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My partner, currently separated, has, in my opinion, been…

My partner, currently separated...

My partner, currently separated, has, in my opinion, been abusive, with insults such as calling me names, eg pervert, rapist, etc, when angry. For three years we have had an on off relationship, usually after arguments about my past, before I met her, and questions of trust, etc. It got to the extent that I have stopped going out, even to work events.

Lawyer's Assistant: Since estate law varies from place to place, can you tell me what state this is in?

The issue is.. we have separated this time, and I am being threatened with ruining my reputation with my job by claiming she will say I beat her etc, however I have a taped conversation, argument in which she says, if you don’t do this or that, I will call police and tell them you hit me and raped me. Thankfully I have that on tape, and told her this. She was very sorry and was nice to me fir a while. She is now claiming I promised a ring and that she is abusuve because I broke a promise. As you can imagine, I am very frightened. She is planning to tell people about our sex life and talk about things that did and dudnt happen. And to tell my work colleagues that I am this awful person. I have no idea what to do. She is very angry because I think she knows I am not going back this time. I understand that I should have left, but I was in love and believed when she said she would stop the awful comments and threats. She also thinks I owe her three thousand for credit card she spent during our five years. I spent considerably more. I undersatabd this is very volatile. But I am Afriad .. is what she doing illegal. Would I be ok when she takes a legal case against me which she may do

Lawyer's Assistant: Has anything been filed or reported?

Uk. Northern ireksnd. At the moment she is being aggressively angry and threatening to contact everyone I know. This can’t be ok.

Lawyer's Assistant: Anything else you want the lawyer to know before I connect you?

I do have emails and emails of name calling etc etc .and a tape of admitting to lie to the police . She is a divorcee with kids and she is now clsiming I groomed her fur sex. She has a therapist who seems to be telling her I was never getting engaged because I just want sex.. for 5 years.. I am not getting engaged because I don’t like the threats if I don’t domthis or that.

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Answered in 2 hours by:
3/11/2018
frantzgregory
Category: UK Law
Satisfied Customers: 831
Experience: Principal at Gregory & Co Lawyers
Verified

Dear sir I read your question with tears in my eyes. This must be a very difficult period for you. I am really pleased you have been able to speak out here albeit for a fee. I am hoping you go a bit further by contacting the right people who deal with domestic abuse experienced by men. You may contact Men's Advice at http://www.mensadviceline.org.uk/.

With regards ***** ***** alleged criminal offence, she may throw at you, which you have no control over, you must keep all the evidence you have. Keep a diary of incidence that occurs or have occurred ed, what was said etc. It may be sensible to report to the Police but I fear that the Police are really clued up with domestic violence against men as they tend to be biased.

I am here to answer any further specific questions you have. Do you and your partner share your home together? if so I would suggest you move out immediately and have no more contact with this person.

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JimLawyer
JimLawyer, Senior Associate & Consultant
Category: UK Law
Satisfied Customers: 203
Experience: Senior Associate Solicitor and Litigator
Verified
Hello and thanks for the question. Unfortunately, she has crossed the line in to criminal liability, most notably blackmail. You also have evidence of this on tape. Before it gets out of hand, you need to stop this in its tracks and speak to the Police on their non-emergency number (dial 101). You need to tell them the above but specifically you are being blackmailed and have evidence. The Police will take that seriously and it’s worth reporting now even if you don’t plan taking it further - at least it will be on record and the police can act on it if so requiredI hope I have helped - it’s not an easy situation by any means but from what you have said, there’s a god case for the police to take action.Best wishes,J
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Customer reply replied 1 month ago
I presume in your experience, even if a reconciliation was possible, that this behaviour escalates, with further volatility. I am wondering, for future learning, that if a person accepts the behaviour is awful, that once this behaviour has started that it will take form in different formats. Ie changing the form of manipulation etc.
This is not the first time she has threatened me, when I taped the threat, she stopped saying she realised how upsetting it was and stopped. Clearly this has not stopped.
I am wondering now she has apologised etc that it will happen again and again.
That any discussion is just that.
Customer reply replied 1 month ago
I am at work presently and unable to talk.
I really wanted to know if ever point pursuing even if couples therapy etc

Yes, I agree. There's no harm reporting to the police and if they speak to her, this may focus her attention and stop her from carrying on like this.

You could of course try couple's counselling as there could be underlying issues which could come out and it could well make things better. However, those threats are serious and really it's up to you whether you want to take it further or not.

Her main issue is the threat of blackmail and alleging that you did things which you did not - the Police are aware that some women try to allege these things but if it turns out there is no evidence, she risks wasting police time and not only that, more and more women are facing custodial sentences.

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Hi, if you could please accept my answer, many thanks
JimLawyer
JimLawyer, Senior Associate & Consultant
Category: UK Law
Satisfied Customers: 203
Experience: Senior Associate Solicitor and Litigator
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JimLawyer and 87 other UK Law Specialists are ready to help you
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Customer reply replied 1 month ago
Hi
I have a question about what is abuse?
The pattern is that I will get insulted threatened with my job etc
then she acts as if nothing is wrong and says -- I only say these things I haven't behaved it -- so its not abuse -- then when she wants to do normal things - coffee etc to talk and I say I don't want to and suggested we only seek therapy -- she then gets very angry and upset and says I am being abusive because I am rejecting her and I don't want her... which is very unsettling
the argument being ... you should not have an issue with me as its just words and I would never do the things I say -- but gets the result of making me afraid and paralysed - and I am being like this because you don't want me...- which feels abusive (eg. why don't you be my friend after I have attacked you verbally) - is this process abuse?
I would classify it as abuse. It is a prolonged campaign of verbal abuse which is designed to cause mental distress. To me there’s no question that it meets that definition
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Customer reply replied 1 month ago
Thanks JimYou have been very helpful - a part of me and most partners want to believe that it is "just" anger and words and clearly it is not all the time, but when she doesn't get what she wants or I do something she doesn't want me to do - then it gets abusive. A part wants to believe that its just insecurity on her part - but even if that is so - it is not ok that I suffer for her insecurity. The other belief is thinking it can change - unfortunately over five years it only gets worse despite promises of change.
Thanks
Michael

Hi Michael,

Yes, I totally understand - something similar happened to me and it turned out to be post-natal depression on her part. Not pleasant at all. But there is light at the end of the tunnel and a better life elsewhere.

Have a good weekend anyway.

If I can ask you rate my answers, I would be much obliged.

Best wishes,

J

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