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I have a close childhood friend of 38 years. I have not seen

him in person in nearly...
I have a close childhood friend of 38 years. I have not seen him in person in nearly five years, although we talk once or twice a week. He is divorced, but has been in a relationship with a very insecure woman who has indirectly prohibited his contact with me for the past 15 years, purely out of [unwarranted] jealousy. For the last 10 years or so whenever I brought up the subject of them getting married, he would state that they are not getting married, he does not want to get married again, he doesn't see the need for them to be married. Today he informed me that, earlier this week, SHE asked HIM to marry her, and he said 'Yes'. So now I am very much in my feelings because the limited contact that I have with him while he's living with her will be totally eliminated if/when he marries her, and I feel like I may never speak to him again. Admittedly, I don't feel guilty that I was neither excited nor happy about this news, yet I realize they are practically married already. I do want him to be happy but I guess for selfish reasons I'm very angry that he does not value our friendship enough to interact with me in person when we live about 45 minutes apart, and I have asked him to see him on numerous occasions and he always flaked. The idea of losing my friend again (we had a fight a couple of years ago and didn't speak for 18 months) is really bothering me and I don't know how to remedy it. I don't want to come off as phony by acting like I'm fine with it and of course he is not concerned about my feelings at all and why should he be. I am a grown up and have to deal with this on my own. Do you have any suggestions on how I can cope with the loss of my closest friend? Realizing that my being upset about it is not going to change anything, I guess I should just accept that I'll have to adjust my life accordingly. I guess it would be easier if his intendrd was more willing to have a friendship or some type of interaction with me, but she prefers to act like I don't exist. Am I being unreasonable?
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Answered in 21 hours by:
1/27/2017
TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship Care
Satisfied Customers: 3,624
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Wroker and Certified Professional Coach
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Thanks for all the info. Sadly these types of situations are quite common. she feels threatened by your friendship and so she needs to set the boundary around that. Because he wants to keep peace at home he is willing to abide by her desires. Yes it hurts and yes you feel that loss, but unless he can help his soon to be wife feel comfortable around you, then this will be the result. You are not unreasonable with your desire to have him as a friend and want that to continue even if he marries, but sadly you don't get much of a choice in that. So, you pull back and see if he reaches out and wants to remain connected. It will hurt because this is a long term connection for you and you will feel this loss. The wound is raw and time will hopefully ease that for you.

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Let me know your thoughts.

Jen

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Customer reply replied 10 months ago
I agree with your assessment and I realize I must accept the state of things. I doubt he will make any effort to make her comfortable with our friendship, as it's been 15 years already, and he is always quick to jump to her defense. He attempted to reassure me that things would not change between us, but I'm not buying it. I've just decided that this is obviously a turning point in both our lives. He is entitled to his happiness, so I will just step aside. Thanks for your input.

I hear your clarity and that is a good thing. It is painful so give yourself time to heal and move forward.

My pleasure to support you. Please take a moment to click the rating faces to rate my support. You are not charged again for doing so but without it, I do not receive credit for my time. Thanks so much.

Jen

TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
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