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I’ve been with someone for 4 years. It’s been on and off. I…

I’ve been with someone for...

I’ve been with someone for 4 years. It’s been on and off. I begged him to commit to me for 2 years and fought like hell for him. But he wouldn’t. I think he thought I’d just always be there. Finally after two years, I decided I couldn’t do this to myself any longer. So I moved on. I dated someone else for about 5 months but Mitch finally came and presented me with all the things I was begging him for for 2 years. He promised me the world. Promised me he’d commit to me, we’d get married, etc. 4 months later, he cheated on me with one of my friends. He was having a secret relationship with her and I caught him by finding messages. He dated her for one month and came back to me and told me he shouldn’t have ever left, finally gave me the apology I deserved, and was willing to do whatever it took to make it work. He moved back in and there was a few times my anger got the best of me and I would tell him to leave. That’s a trigger for him from his childhood because he has abandonment issues. Even though I handled my pain wrong, I feel like I should get some patience on his end because he’s the one who put me through this when I didn’t deserve any of it. So he left, and now is unsure about everything again. I told him with him not being here is harder for me because I obviously don’t trust him right now. He’s only thinking of himself. I feel like he’s punishing me for handling my pain wrong when he’s the one who put me through this pain when I wasn’t deserving of it. I told him if it’s gonna work it has to be an all or nothing deal. He’s either gonna move in and commit to me like I deserve, or I can’t do it. Am I wrong for having that reaction? I have no trust in him and after him promising me all these things 5 months ago and then cheating on me, That’s why I need those actions to feel secure. Please help me!

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Answered in 6 hours by:

4/17/2020

Counselor: TherapistJen, LCSW replied 2 years ago

TherapistJen, LCSW

Category: Relationship

Satisfied Customers: 6,477

Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker

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His betrayal shattered that trust and a relationship cannot survive without trust. But, moving in isn't necessarily the answer as that does not magically give trust. You are allowed to have your emotions and reactions...I would work on things by talking about everything and building trust again but moving him back in could cause more stress because you want him there with the idea that he will then be faithful and committed.

Customer reply replied 2 years ago

I think the hardest part for me with him not moving in, is how do I earn back his trust when I’m having to constantly question what he’s doing, who he’s texting, etc.
also- the fact that 5 months ago he promised me all these things, like getting engaged soon, etc. but then 4 months later, he cheated. I’ve been fighting for him our entire relationship. And he’s never been able to give me that commitment. I don’t want to keep wasting my time if he’s not serious about giving me those things, ya know? That’s why I feel like I deserve those things. Especially now with what he’s just done to me. How do I learn to trust him with him not being here? I’m too much of an over thinker and go into straight panic mode.

Counselor: TherapistJen, LCSW replied 2 years ago

Yes you deserve those things, but it just may not be with him..he may not be capable of giving you what you need or capable of being faithful. No relationship can survive with you having to question where and what he is doing.

Customer reply replied 2 years ago

if he’s not willing to give me those things, would you say it’s not worth it to me? Cause I can’t keep putting what I deserve on the back burner so he gets what he wants, ya know?

Counselor: TherapistJen, LCSW replied 2 years ago

I agree....you need mutuality in a relationship and you don't have that. Betrayal takes a long time to heal from but both must do the work and I don't hear that he is.

TherapistJen, LCSW

Category: Relationship

Satisfied Customers: 6,477

Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker

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TherapistJen and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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Customer reply replied 2 years ago

Ok, thank you

Counselor: TherapistJen, LCSW replied 2 years ago

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