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It’s kind of a story. I was 28 at the time when I met my 25…

It’s kind of a...

It’s kind of a long story

Expert's Assistant: The Psychologist will know what to do. Please tell me everything you can so the Psychologist can help you best.

I was 28 at the time when I met my 25 year old boyfriend. I didn’t want to date him at first. I was his boss and I thought he was too young. But he acted very mature and came on strong. We started to date and he made me feel amazing. He would only look at me. He told me he needed me and loved me unconditionally and that no one was like me. A few months into the relationship I got pregnant. He didn’t want to be a dad yet and asked for an abortion. I thought I’d end up a single mom if I kept the baby this early in a relationship so we got an abortion and I went on birth control. Exactly 1 year later I got pregnant again. He called to make an appointment for another abortion. I told him no way I’d never do that again! So I chose to keep the baby. At first he was so mad. He swore I did it on purpose. But eventually he came around. 2 weeks after we announced our pregnancy at work I was let go. He told me I should sue them for treating me unfairly. He was right so I did. Then he got mad that I filed a law suit. He told me what will the company think of him if he takes his gf to the “circle of excellence trips” if I tried sueing them? Then I discovered I was high risk pregnancy. I was in and out of the hospital. At first he was attentive but then it seemed like it was annoying him. So my parents had me stay with them so they could take me to the hospital and he could rest. While I was at their house he texted me saying he wanted me to move out. He said he wasn’t in love with me anymore, his life wasn’t improving with me in it and he needed to grow, he was done with me. At this point I had just turned 30 and I was 7 months pregnant. So he left and stayed with him mom and didn’t even help me pack. Fast forward to the birth of our daughter. He missed it because he lives 2 hours away. She was born a month early bc of the complications and almost died. I had an emergency c section and needed two blood transfusions. He wouldn’t stay over night at the hospital to keep an eye on the baby (I couldn’t move) and she was in NICU. I thought he had broken up with me Bc he just wasn’t ready to be a dad. He visited her every once in a while but then would get mad and tell me he wanted “alone time” and over nights. He started this when she was 2 months old and premature...

Expert's Assistant: Is there anything else important you think the Psychologist should know?

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Expert's Assistant: What else should I tell the Psychologist?

So then one day he came down to see her after not seeing her for a month and told me he was in a relationship. He had left me for someone else. He brought the gf to my house before uninvited. They play house with my daughter . He used to tell me he was coming to visit her but he wanted alone time so he’d ask me to meet him somewhere and I found out the girlfriend was hiding watching from a far. This whole experience has been so traumatizing. I thought he was my soul mate and he left me in my darkest hour for someone else like I was yesterday’s trash. But it gets worse... he moved her in after they had only been dating for 4 months. They just bought a $400k house even further from my daughter and I. And here is the real kicker... I had to drop my daughter off at our old house which is now “their house” and she opened the door, and she’s pregnant. And they are so happy about it. They’ve only been together a year. She got pregnant after they had only known each other 7 months and she saw what he did to me and she knew he had a 5 month old. I’m devastated. He’s happy about this baby. He’s giving her everything I wanted. And now he is so awful to me he tells me I need to go get friends and get a life and none of this is my business. He’s taking me to court to try and get out daughter 50% of the time because he doesn’t want to pay child support. Why are they getting the life I wanted? Why are they playing house with our daughter? And now why is he happy about this baby but didn’t want me to have ours? I’m not an ignorant girl. I was so happy, successful, outgoing and funny when he met me, and he treated me really well! It’s not like I’m the stupid girl that lets guys treat her like trash. So why am I now quiet, and depressed. It’s been a year since we broke up, our daughter is 10 months old and his girlfriend is 5 months pregnant and I still can’t move on. I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut. They rub it in my face. He tells me she’s not going anywhere, she the love of his life and my heart is just broken. I feel like something is wrong with me bc he chose her. And if he ever got more time with my daughter I don’t know what I’d do. She’s the only thing that makes me a happy and I honestly don’t know what’s going on with this guy.

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Answered in 16 hours by:
3/21/2018
Carlett F
Carlett F, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 64
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice
Verified

Hello! Welcome to JustAnswer. Thank you for your question. I’m CarlettF LPC and I can help you today. I'll be back shortly with my reply!

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I am so sorry to here that you are going through this.

I have to tell you from what I understand from all of this, your boyfriend's behavior has nothing to do with you. Not how pretty you are, how smart you are, successful outgoing or funny you are or were with him. His treatment of you is completely about his immaturity as a man and his own personal emotional issues, unhealed wounds and negative belief patterns. Yes he was not ready for a baby when you decided to go through with your pregnancy the 2nd time but he is not alone, most young father's are not ready and they do not resort to this type of behavior. He is also extremely selfish in the fact that he does not seem to even consider how all of this is affecting you or your child.

He has chosen to "punish" you for "changing" his life before he was "ready" and obviously has some resentment towards you. This is likely why he started the new relationship with the the other girl. But I can almost guarantee you that he was not planning on getting her pregnant too. He thought he would have this relationship without the responsibility and be able to rub it in your face out of anger, but it did not work out that way for him, so his next best thing is to try to appear "happy" and like he wants to be a family man, but with her not you, again to hurt you. He is even trying for the joint custody of your daughter just to try to hurt you.... He has so much anger and resentment built up inside of him that he seems willing to hurt you in whatever ways he can.

But the fact that the two of you conceived a second time is just as much his responsibility as yours. He does not see that he made the choice to lay down and thus changed his own life because a child was the result of that choice. He is a man-child and will not take responsibility for his own actions and you must not blame yourself for his refusal to grow up and his childish antics.

The relationship with the new girlfriend is just that "new." And yes, there is a "new" baby, but his faulty ways of thinking, selfishness and abusive behavior is not "new" they are patterns and sooner or later he will began the same negative cycle with her and he will abandon her and their child too because this is who he is. It has nothing to do with you and how valuable you were/are, he could not see it and as you see now you were too valuable for him and did not even know it. You are quiet and depressed because you are morning the loss of what you believed you had in this guy and now you are believing this False appearance of his newfound happiness.

My advice to you is to find yourself a therapist who specialize in relationships or divorce/custody and began the healing you need for yourself to carry on a healthy and positive life for you and your daughter and maintain minimum contact with this guy only for the needs of your child. If he is harassing you with all his antics you can block him and arrange to have all communication necessary for your child to go through a third party. I would also fight his 50/50 custody appeal. His motives for obtaining it are not pure.

Lastly, he may be a Narcissist, without having diagnosed him it is no way I can know this for sure, but his thinking patterns and relationship behavior sure fits that of someone with Narcissist Personality Disorder.... go to YouTube and search for videos on Narcissist and educate yourself, you might recognize some of the described behavior in the videos in your ex boyfriend.

I wish you the best.... be good to yourself, love yourself, take care of yourself

Best Regards

Carlett

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Carlett F
Carlett F, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 64
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice
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