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I just have a couple basic questions about my 3 1/2 year…

I just have a...

I just have a couple basic questions about my 3 1/2 year relationship before going to the next level

Expert's Assistant: The Psychologist will know what to do. Please tell me everything you can so the Psychologist can help you best.

Ok , have been in a long distance 3 1/2 year relationship and for the last year have been working on my professional licensing to be able to move to and work in the state where my boyfriend lives. my kids are grown and he still has a 10 year old so we decided I would be the one to move. Of course being middle age, we both have baggage. I was married 22 years to a man who was repeatedly unfaithful and my BF was married for 8 and has been single for about 16 years with a couple serious girlfriends thru the years and several girls he just dated for a short time. Obviously due to my past I have had several trust issues and we have worked thru many of them. However I am concerned about a couple issues with the pending move and making a major change in my life. The issues are that we have had a repeated argument about the fact that he rarely turns his phone up and with us being long distance it is our only source of communication. I most always get his calls but many times when I call him he does not get mine and may not call back for several hours. He says he cant remember to turn his phone up and that is an issue for me because when/if I do make the move I want to be able to get ahold of him, especially since he has asked me to move there, he should make an effort to be available to my calls....in my opinion. I want to know If i am being unreasonalbe that it bothers me that he says he cannot remember to turn his phone up,

Expert's Assistant: Is there anything else important you think the Psychologist should know?

The only other thing and I feel silly about it and not sure why it bothers me, is an issue with social media. we are both on facebook and when I make post for his birthday or whatever I always say stuff like My thoughful man or that I love him and I show that I am proud of this relationship and claim him as my man. He does not do the same for me, he always refers to me as "this girl or this sweetie" he does not claim me as his woman and I read in a book about relationships that if a man is truly ready for commitment that he will claim the woman he is in a relationship with as his woman or lady....is that right ?

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Customer reply replied 4 months ago
We grew up together and reconnected at a class reunion, we have so much in common and are very compatible. I do have concerns though about his level of commitment. I'm ready to either go forward or call it quits, I'm tired of trying to figure this out. I believe he is a good person, but have been waiting to see if these issues get resolved. I just need to know if I'm being overly sensitive because I am scared to take the plunge again or if my concerns are valid. I am truly wondering about his commitment ability.
Answered in 19 hours by:
3/21/2018
Carlett F
Carlett F, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 64
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice
Verified

Hello! Welcome to JustAnswer. Thank you for your question. I’m CarlettF LPC and I can help you today. I'll be back shortly with my reply!

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Hi,

Your concerns are completely valid and you should not make a move until these matters are resolved for you because not only do you need to be able to trust him, you also need to feel secure with him and not vulnerable out there in a new city.

My question is why is his phone turned down to begin with? Do he have a job or is he in meetings throughout the day that require him to turn his phone down? If so, if you are at the forefront of his mind throughout the day he should automatically think about turning that phone volume back up so he does not miss your call especially after having had repeated arguments about it.

Also, YES, if the two of you show pictures of each other on social media, he should definitely be claiming you as his girlfriend and not just " this girl". especially when you are claiming him in your post.

It seems that he may not yet be completely where you are as far as commitment, that does not mean he is cheating or that he does not love you, he may just have some reservations about fully entering the type of commitment the two of you are about to enter, once again in his life. He has been married before and has had his freedom for 16 years now.

You really need to sit down with him and address these concerns completely and honestly. I do not recommend doing this over the phone. You need to look in his eyes and see his body language when discussing this with him. This will give you a lot of information as well as what he is saying.

Be totally honest with him about your fears, doubts and how you do not want to make a big move with these issues unresolved and without him committing to doing things differently.

I hope this helps

Best Regards .....Carlett

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Carlett F
Carlett F, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 64
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice
Verified
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Customer reply replied 4 months ago
Thank you so much, I've been hurt so much in the past I don't want to be overly sensitive. To answer your question, yes he is in sales and is in and out of appointments thru out the day so his phone is turned down when in appointments. But at times it's even an i as he on his days off. His adult children complain about it as well, that he is hard to get a hold of. He has several solid good values and we are so compatible but this issue really bothers me. I truly appreciate you in put !!

You are welcome!

The fact that he is a good solid guy with good values is great and makes it highly likely the two of you will be able to resolve the issues and move forward with your relationship.

I wish you the best,

Carlett

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Customer reply replied 4 months ago
I think I am allowed 5 questions ? If so can I ask you this......ive had a ring on my finger for a couple years. If he gave me a ring and wants me to move there but is having these commitment issues and I've taken my time with him just to make sure we were compatible, giving us both time to make adjustments since I've been divorced 10 years and him 16. If he gave me a ring, why would he make that move so quickly after 1 year of dating and still show these signs of commitment fears, in your opinion , how big of an issue do you think I'm facing with this situation ?

He gave you the ring when he did because he felt committed to you and wanted to express it through putting the ring on your finger or proposing.... he did not know or foresee his fears or that they would come later. Men can be so sure one minute and then not sure another.

I do not see this as being a big issue for you just one that you both need to really give some attention to, discuss and make some adjustments for the good of the union.

And if he really is having a hard time remembering to turn his phone back up because he is very busy, he has got to find a way to remind himself or simply put it on vibrate and in his pocket so he can feel or hear it vibrating when you and his kids call. He has to remember and be mindful that this is extremely important to you and he needs to show you that if it is important to you it will be important to him. This hold true for any valid concerns you may ever have.

It seems that he really loves you.......so dont worry about it just get together and have a sincere conversation. Try to refrain from arguing. This may be making him more resistant to changing. The same regarding the Facebook situation.

Carlett

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Customer reply replied 4 months ago
Thank you, ***** ***** your insight, it helps to have another perspective :)
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