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This is a relationship question bc I am very confused and…

This is a relationship question...
This is a relationship question bc I am very confused and have a lot of emotions and care invested into this person.
So i was in a relationship for six years, have lived together for five. The relationship was never to intimate but I believed we had such an amazing bond and almost felt I found my soulmate. Although he he's an attractive face, he was 5'4 in height,. I'm taller but it never bothered me...I know that made him feel very insecure about himself, so I actually used to tend him more, ignored all his rude remarks lack of bringing much to the table. He eventually got his dream job. I thought our finances would be solved and he would feel more secure in his boyfriend role. However, the tables turned quickly. He had a three month affair behind my back with a girl from work who was ten years younger and high status at work. He never broke up with me, kept me around invited me around family and friends while all of them knowing, meeting, and adhering other women behind my back..he enjoyed gas-lighting me when I questioned his shady behavior and seemed more disgusted by me when I slipped into a deep depression and drinking heavily bc I could feel that he didn't love me anymore..he told me to stay at my fathers for me to get better with self care...It was then I found out about affair and I was already discarded by now...the trauma with no questions and my life I built gone, I did research to come to find that he has txt book traits of a Narcissistic. At least that brought me some closure...he reached out months ago through txt, explaining that his relationship ended. At first I wanted him back, (desperate and broken)...I found out that he does not want me back, he is very content in his new job and financially stable life. He only checks up on me and speaks to me like a child on how to be positive and be happy that everything had to work out the way it did..
I know this is a form of hoovering at some sort? But my question is what is his motive...he does not want me back, but does want to see me become happy and peaceful in life to move on (as if he now cares about me)?. I told him I forgave him to clear his conscience (even tho I don't yet). Over the months he has reached out to a family member of mine, that he made mistakes and wished we stayed together. Once in awhile he'll send me a sweet or personalized song. But denies any talk or feelings that he wants to get back together..and I truly know that we could never after I relationship was slandered and destroyed in public with support from his family and friends and I knew he has no desire for me...My question is, why the mixed signals?! Why reach out after tossing me? I forgave him, but he still txt me...he txt me on my birthday about his cat, but no regard to wishing me a happy birthday? Mixed signals such as that. He speaks to people that I am nothing but an old chapter in his life and forgotten me like nothing towards people....I actually believe that after seeing his cruel side.,,big question is? Why keep reaching out to make sure I'm happy and wanting me to do well...he clearly knows I'm not..Is he just guilty?, and if so, why not and not at all before? (Before he had no shame if not pride of his cruelty towards me as if it was revenge or something)? I did nothing but try to love him even tho I was emotionally difficult when I felt ignored. He went to our old house last night and our old bar we spent years going to. So 50/50 assumption for me is either secretly mourning our relationship finally? Or is this a big con? Speaking to other girls on side, prob still with gf from work, and deliberately just messing with me? I don't think he's capable of that, but knowing his compulsive lying, and reading about narcissistic it it just all a big ego stroke? Sorry this is so long! I want to believe that I am talking to the old "Doug" that I've known and loved for years, who has remorse and secretly misses me..but is this the new "Doug" who I don't know..the one who lied, cheated and used me for months? Who doesn't want to her together again. Which is fine with me, And makes sure I understand that.but why hearing and receiving mix signals? I ask him all these questions..he gets around all of it, denies everything I mentioned..won't open up one fact about his life. The conversation is not normal flow...it's never about him, all about me to help me get out of my rut?! This has been going on for almost four months and most likely I will not understand what his intentions are? Any insight into this crazy scenario would help? I have a million more stories and facts if you have more questions? Why Hoover if he doesn't want me back, but wants me to think it? Or genuinely feels bad and embarrassed that he made a mistake? (Better conclusion) unfortunately after all the hell, I still love him, and worry for him.
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Customer reply replied 4 months ago
Not parading around other women..typo!
Paraded her around as serious new girlfriend and love of his life, to family and friends behind my back.
Customer reply replied 4 months ago
I should add that he speaks to me different like an ex should..I know he doesn't want me back...but why so nice now after he enjoyed treating me so cruelly in front of everyone. He really hated me in our relationship, but still wants to keep in touch with me, and accidentally shows signs that he misses the years that we had? He's alone now, but I don't have to offer him anything, he left me wth nothing! Kicked me out of my own home, and knows I'm sleeping on my dads couch? So his positive motivational talks irked me a lot and sounds like he his speaking to me like a five yr old to move on from him, and be happy on my life?! ��
Answered in 13 hours by:
3/17/2018
ASacks
ASacks, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 116
Experience: Psychologist and Life coach
Verified

Welcome to JustAnswer. I am an experienced Psychologist and I work with families and people of all ages. I am reviewing your question now and will be right back with a response for you.

Ask Your Own Relationship Question

It sounds like this person has really hurt you and it's valid and ok to experience the feelings you have. However, it sounds like you are dealing with a person who may be manipulative and somewhat abusive. He did not consider you in your relationship in any way and I don't believe he has your best interests at heart now either. It seems he just wants to keep in touch to keep himself on your mind- and he is succeeding.

You need to realize that you deserve the very best relationship, with a person who appreciates and loves you. This relationship is waiting out there for you and you can have it. I know it is hard to get over feelings for a person and it feels like the heart wants what it wants. However, there is a relationship that is more important than any relationship with another person and that is your relationship with yourself. I am sure that if you really stop to think about it you will feel that this is not right and you deserve more (you will know because this person doesn't make you feel good).

It may take some strength, but you may want to cut ties with him completely and ask him not to contact you. Be firm on this! From your info above I can see that this is something that you may already know.

Now start working on your relationship with you - learn to fall in love with yourself, with your best qualities, with your personality, with your looks, your experiences, and achievements. Make a commitment to do more things that you love and that make you happy, have more fun and do things that interest you. You are not defined by others, but by who you believe you are and want to be.

Wishing you all of the very best- you deserve it!

ASacks
ASacks, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 116
Experience: Psychologist and Life coach
Verified
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