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I need a little help on how to go about having a

I need a little...

I need a little help on how to go about having a conversation with my boyfriend. I have been working on myself in the aspect of not lashing out as soon as I'm upset and saying things I don't mean and instead walking away and really thinking about how I feel and how we can come up with a solution but this one is a little harder for me.

Expert's Assistant: The Psychologist will know what to do. Is there anything else the Psychologist should be aware of?

Ok so here's what happened but there is a pre story to why I was upset. A few weeks ago by boyfriend borrowed my car to go up to the bar for a beer with friends around 8pm. Ended up not comming home till about 4am with no contact or communication about staying out late. Gave me a big story about a bar fight and needing to help his friend only to find out the next day there was no fight at all and he was hanging out with everyone till the bar closed and took a few of my girlfriends home. I was upset that he lied in the first place right to my face. So anyways last night I woke up around 4 am to find he was not in bed with me. I waited for awhile thinking he was in the bathroom and eventually I got up and walked around the house he was not there. I looked outside my car was still there but no sign of him. I texted him and about a half hour later he responded saying he went for a walk and came home about twenty minutes later. I'm upset mostly because I can't trust that he is telling the truth because the other insident just happened but also leaving me alone in the house like that not knowing what happened to him. I don't want to say text me next time you leave so I know because honestly I don't want him leaving in the middle of the night like that but I also dont want to say you can't leave the house at night in case he really was just getting some air. I don't want to come off in a bad way.

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Answered in 2 hours by:
3/14/2018
Carlett F
Carlett F, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 64
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice
Verified

Hello! Welcome to JustAnswer. Thank you for your question. I’m CarlettF LPC and I can help you today. I'll be back shortly with my reply!

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Hi,

Trust and Respect are the cornerstone of any healthy relationship and the first incident should be cause for you to really take inventory on this relationship, if your boyfriend was not doing anything wrong when he went to the bar that night there really was no reason for him to lie about there being a fight causing him to stay out until 4am......and he should have been able to given you the respect of calling so that you know he would not be home until late.

This second incident with him leaving the house in the wee hours of the night unannounced understandably adds fuel to the fire and upsets you even more because really the fact that he lied the first time has not really been addressed and now you have all kinds of thoughts about what he is really doing out that late.

My advice to you is that you take some time to quietly think about how it would best to approach your boyfriend to talk about both incidents and the best time to do so. And calmly without attacking him, let him know that him staying out all night without calling and leaving the house in the middle of the night without letting you know is upsetting to you and kindly ask him to please give you the courtesy of letting you know when he is going to stay out so late or leave the house in the middle of the night. Its a matter of respect. He would want the same from you.

Or you could also just ask him not to leave the house in the middle of the night or stay out til 4 in the morning because it cause you to question what he is doing and to not trust him.

Either way you are not going to be able to tip toe around this issue with him. You really need to put it on the table and talk about it. You need to be totally honest with him about how it makes you feel. You do not have to get angry or argue just talk.

If he does not receive what you are saying or in anyway show you that he sees no need to respect you nor be honest with you about when he goes out and how late he stays or how it makes you feel, I have to tell you, you are not with a man who truly cares about you or a future with you.

It is good that you have been working on yourself and not lashing out as soon as you are upset, however, this kind of behavior is a trigger for causing emotional instability in you. If you find that there is behavior that is constantly triggering your anger and other negative emotions which you sometimes have difficulty controlling, you are not in a healthy situation and really should think about whether or not this is how you want to live and be treated.

I wish you the best....Carlett

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Carlett F
Carlett F, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 64
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor in private practice
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