Relationship

Have Relationship Questions? Ask a Counselor for Answers ASAP

Ask an Expert,
Get an Answer ASAP!

This answer was rated:

I have been living with my cousin for 4 weeks now, I moved…

I have been living with...
I have been living with my cousin for 4 weeks now, I moved to Melbourne from a small town in Tasmania. He made all these promises to help me when I got here and has not stuck to what he said. When he actually does something which has nothing to do with what he said or why I am here, always brings it up like it’s urgent and I’m not that interested in it and I feel uncomfortable making the call. Two weeks after being here, he spent a week in bed depressed about his girlfriend cheating after being together a bit longer then a year together and then they got back together. He is controlling and every time I talk about a new friend or old friend he tells me something wrong with them and my Tasmania family and me. He also asks me why I say something all the time, I repeat what he asks me to explain just so he knows how rediculous it is. He is always looking to put himself as a hero type person and expects me to be overly thankful for him helping me and you can’t say any information without a essay on it otherwise he gets in a massive debate about the whole thing. Every time I say I need help or that he said he would, he says stuff like well you haven’t asked. My work is an hour away and he said he would take me and now he gets annoyed with it and I have only been working one week and three days, also said I could borrow his car but now when his girlfriend stays they take his car and leave hers in the drive way, so He won’t let me drive it. Oh and three of those days he didn’t take me and the busses don’t start till 7 which I found out the hard way and he was like didn’t you know that and the app said it would be and I start work at 6 so spending a shit load on taxis and last night they gave me a talk on how much it costs him to take me. I got lost all day yesterday with Public Transport And I couldn’t get home so I called him, didn’t answer so I just jumped in a taxi, I was on 15 mins away I got home they where going off at me for not answering my phone, saying they called me 2 mins after I called and it was 15 mins and I said I was in the taxi and my phone was on silent and they was like we thought you was dead you scared us.
They go away for days but pretend they might come back that night and so one night I didn’t tell them I was going home then that all happened and I started crying, I couldn’t breathe and I said I was scared it was dark I had no idea where I was and was scared to ask for a lift because he gets annoyed so I tried so hard to get home myself but it was late and the busses stopped running.
Now these are two nurses on high doses of meds and suppress any feelings and they didn’t comfort me at all and told me you need to meditate and come up with a plan to get a car and I said I can’t afford it I need help and yeah it was back to me as my fault for not researching to higher a car but I looked for three days and I said I don’t understand it and he said he would help and was like in front of her haven’t you been looking and then he said Tuesday we will call together and today he said you call and I was like we agreed with calling together tomorrow.
I mentioned moving out because i said I feel lonely, like he doesn’t understand me and I don’t understand him.
So do I move out or wait for things to settle because I am safe here?
Show More
Show Less
Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Answered in 7 hours by:
3/12/2018
ASacks
ASacks, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 123
Experience: Psychologist and Life coach
Verified

Hello,

Welcome to JustAnswers. My name is***** little bit about me… I am a psychologist and have been practicing for the last five years in private practice and in a community setting. I work with families and people of all ages. I am also a registered life coach and solution-focused therapist. I am passionate about helping people and finding solutions, not growing problems. I believe that the mind is a very powerful tool and can be used to achieve any outcome in life-positive thoughts lead to a positive life. I am here to help you with your question.

Ask Your Own Relationship Question

It sounds like you are going through a really hard time. Being in a new country, not knowing anyone and being let down by family. I am sure you are contending with many negative emotions and feeling quite confused. Your feelings are valid and normal, they offer you some guidance on your thinking habits.

I am sure this has not been an easy transition. It sounds like there is a lot of negativity towards your cousin. However, focusing on the problem never really leads us towards a satisfactory solution... so lets figure this out together and try come to a more solution-focused, positive place. You mentioned that you would like to move out- what do you think this will accomplish and how do you think things will be different?

Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
It will mean I will not have to answer to someone, it means i won’t have a couple to compete against, I will be closer to work which means I can walk instead of relying on him or busses or taxis.
He keeps mentioning putting cameras in the house, so hopefully I won’t have to put up with distrust and have a normal living relationship with someone.
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
I will be more relaxed, less angry, less irritated and I will feel like an adult instead of being babied. Then with space i can learn to be happy to see my cousin instead of one hundred percent annoyed.
My family keep telling me this was a step to leave Tassie, they know what his like and how he is they keep saying when you get the chance.... move out and be greatfull x

It sounds like you have listed quite a few reasons to move out. You seem to have been thinking about this a lot. Unfortunately, we cant control other people and make them do what they say they will. your cousin may have made promises he cant live up to, which is unfortunate for you- but also a learning curve. This often happens with people and the truth is he probably did think he would be able to help... but now sees that it is just demanding and he is more preoccupied with his own life.

I would encourage you to do the same- start looking for ways to make you own life better. This might mean moving out or it might mean staying with your cousin for another few months until you can really stand on your own two feet. But use you own internal resources to accomplish the things you need to accomplish. This might have been a great stepping stone to get you to this new place and offer you a start. It also seems to be something that is forcing you to rely on your own resources and self more fully- i am sure you will surprise yourself with your ability to do so!

Use the opportunities you get and keep positive and grateful as your family say- because this will lead to better and better outcomes in your life. Try see your cousin for the good things he has brought into your life and not what he has failed to do and of course most importantly- see yourself for the good you have accomplished. it is not easy to move to a new place- but it shows you have strength, bravery, resilience and ambition.

You can do this!

Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
Well it will mean I am closer to work and more independent and no rely on transportation to work.
Well I wish he would stop trying to control me.

the move is something to consider. However, it will be something you will have to weigh up and see if it is worth your while. you mentioned that it feels safe at your cousin for now and maybe that means you might need a few more months to get on your feet. In which case, you will have to adjust your expectations about him and try and avoid confrontation situations.

I have been a psychologist for a while, but as a student it was compulsory for us to attend our own therapy and the most significant piece of information I gained from months of therapy that i would like to give over to you is this: you always have a choice and you teach people how to treat you... maybe your cousin is trying to control you- but you dont have to let him. You could easily say "ok" when he tries to control you (not get into an argument) and do what you please anyway.

It is often difficult to share our space with someone. this goes for both you and your cousin. However, I am sure there are also many good aspects to him. If you are going to stay, I would encourage you to look at his good aspects (maybe even make a list) because its so easy to get caught up in the negative and focusing on what is going wrong. Once you have made a list (aim for 10 items if you can) you will begin to shift your feelings about your cousin, he will also respond subconsciously to this shift and you might get along better.

Every person wants to feel good and to feel appreciated (so maybe mention some of the good you see in him to him) - this might be a way to get along better with your cousin (this is also the only form of influence that works on people- we cannot force them to be what we want them to be).

I hope this helps!

Ask Your Own Relationship Question

Hi :)

Just checking in, is there anything further I can assist you with?

ASacks
ASacks, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 123
Experience: Psychologist and Life coach
Verified
ASacks and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
Customer reply replied 5 months ago
Oh sorry I should update you on what happened.
Yes very true I had a lot of negative feelings towards my cousin and I am completely flattered that you was trying to make sure I didn’t do anything to risky to make sure I was setting myself up properly.
I followed my instincts and moved closer to work to the new home and I am very relaxed. I get along with my house mate and are getting a new one today, I am not isolated out in the sticks with my cousin with no promision to have anyone around and he never had friends or family around. My anxiety has gone down 50% because I’m not worried about getting to work, buses and him. He was much more nicer once I said I was leaving as well.
So worked out for both of us.
Thanks for your advice
Was this answer helpful?

How JustAnswer works

step-image
Describe your issueThe assistant will guide you
step-image
Chat 1:1 with a counselorLicensed Experts are available 24/7
step-image
100% satisfaction guaranteeGet all the answers you need
Ask ASacks Your Own Question
ASacks
ASacks
ASacks, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 123
123 Satisfied Customers
Experience: Psychologist and Life coach

ASacks is online now

A new question is answered every 9 seconds

How JustAnswer works:

  • Ask an ExpertExperts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional AnswerVia email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction GuaranteeRate the answer you receive.

JustAnswer in the News:

Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

What Customers are Saying:

Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help.

Mary C.Freshfield, Liverpool, UK

This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!!

AlexLos Angeles, CA

Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult.

GPHesperia, CA

I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion.

JustinKernersville, NC

Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around.

EstherWoodstock, NY

Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know.

RobinElkton, Maryland

He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here.

DianeDallas, TX

< Previous | Next >

Meet the Experts:

TherapistMaryAnn

TherapistMaryAnn

Counselor

1,744 satisfied customers

Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues

Ms Chase

Ms Chase

Life Coach

853 satisfied customers

Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues

Alicia_MSW

Alicia_MSW

Psychotherapist

468 satisfied customers

Specializing in relationship/family counseling

Dr. Norman Brown

Dr. Norman Brown

Marriage Therapist

427 satisfied customers

Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples

DrJackiePhD

DrJackiePhD

Doctor

385 satisfied customers

I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.

Dr. L

Dr. L

Psychologist

366 satisfied customers

Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.

Suzanne

Suzanne

Therapist, LCSW

338 satisfied customers

Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency

< Previous | Next >

Related Relationship Questions
I hate how online dating has become all about just texting.
I hate how online dating has become all about just texting. I have been talking to this guy for a week and he seems like he wants to meet. I even asked him about meeting on Wednesday. He couldn't that… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
181 satisfied customers
My boyfriend has depression, sleeps most of the time, is
My boyfriend has depression, sleeps most of the time, is awake when I'm not with him, doesn't want to sleep in the same bed because he wants to stretch out, be alone, and most recently tells me that I… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
181 satisfied customers
My boyfriend has attitude and starts arguing over stupid
My boyfriend has attitude and starts arguing over stupid stuff. He also appologizes all the time when he doesn't have to, for things that he wouldn't have anything to do with or control over. he had g… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
966 satisfied customers
Im dating a guy I know for a few years now. He's 30 and has
Im dating a guy I know for a few years now. He's 30 and has a 1 year old kid and I'm 22. We started dating 4/5 months ago and a few weeks back I asked him where this dating was going. He said he didn'… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
966 satisfied customers
I am getting increasingly concerned about my boyfriend's new
I am getting increasingly concerned about my boyfriend's new friendship with a female colleague. He has only been at his job for four months but seems to have got quite close to a girl there. I have n… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
181 satisfied customers
I have been with my boyfriend year; whom I love dearly and
I have been with my boyfriend for a year; whom I love dearly and is good to me. However, his frustrations and impatiences with small things have escalated to explosive anger to throwing things and yel… read more
Jen Helant
Jen Helant
Bachelor\u0027s Degree
365 satisfied customers
I'm 17 years old and I've been screwed over by my so-called
I'm 17 years old and I've been screwed over by my so-called best friend/ex! I've been best friends with this guy for 4 years and I've helped him through everything! He had just gotten out of a bad rel… read more
Jen Helant
Jen Helant
Bachelor\u0027s Degree
365 satisfied customers
I met this guy 3 years ago briefly. We followed each other
I met this guy 3 years ago briefly. We followed each other on social networks but he was in a long term relationship so I never pursued anything. He seemed like a great guy and devoted boyfriend thoug… read more
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Adjunct Professor
Master's Degree
1,014 satisfied customers
So I met this guy in nyc. We spent two weeks together and getting
So I met this guy in nyc. We spent two weeks together and getting to know each other. He told me he liked me a lot and even though he tried to kiss me, nothing beyond friendship and a little flirting … read more
Dear Debra
Dear Debra
Advice Columnist
Earning Associate degree
1,299 satisfied customers
Please help This is a relationship question: My boyfriend
Please help This is a relationship question: My boyfriend and I broke up. I left him, over 20 times. We were dating 5 years now I am 43, and he is 51. We are both divorced We live separately. I have t… read more
SREED177
SREED177
Family Resource Specialist
Master\u0027s Degree
6 satisfied customers
Hello I started dating a guy in June 2011, Im 31 and he
Hello I started dating a guy in June 2011, I'm 31 and he is 35. Things went very well, but we both were not able to open up. I first needed a bit of space and then he wanted a bit of space. At one poi… read more
Dear Debra
Dear Debra
Advice Columnist
Earning Associate degree
1,299 satisfied customers
About a year ago when I was 19 (Im now 20) I met this guy
About a year ago when I was 19 (I'm now 20) I met this guy on an online dating site. I live in Michigan and he lives in Georgia, and he is 12 years older than me. We instantly clicked, and for a year … read more
Kevin Kappler
Kevin Kappler
Clinical Psychologist
Doctoral Degree
353 satisfied customers
Ok, so the guy I met on holiday has been home for a while.
Ok, so the guy I met on holiday has been home for a while. In the last email he sent he said lets meet sometime soon and you can tell me about your holiday – id been on another a week later.Anyway I t… read more
Kevin Kappler
Kevin Kappler
Clinical Psychologist
Doctoral Degree
353 satisfied customers
I am now very confused about my relationship with my boyfriend.
I am now very confused about my relationship with my boyfriend. I have slowly started putting things in motion as far as moving, my niece is moving into my house at the end of the month with the expec… read more
psychlady
psychlady
Clinical Director
Master\u0027s Degree
3,517 satisfied customers
I met a girl not too long ago in my nursing class (recently
I met a girl not too long ago in my nursing class (recently graduated thank God). She had been dating this guy for 4 years and he proposed to her last July. I had always been attracted and had a crush… read more
Dear Debra
Dear Debra
Advice Columnist
Earning Associate degree
1,299 satisfied customers
I have been seeing a guy for two months. As we work different
I have been seeing a guy for two months. As we work different hours, I only get to see him from Friday night to Tuesday morning. However in the time that we're apart, I don't hear from him unless I se… read more
psychlady
psychlady
Clinical Director
Master\u0027s Degree
3,517 satisfied customers
I have a friend that moved to another state a couple years
I have a friend that moved to another state a couple years ago. Once my boyfriend and I visited her and her fiancé and we stayed at their house for two nights. A year later they came to our house to v… read more
Cher
Cher
JustAnswer Expert & Mentor;Teacher/Tutor
Masters Degree
1,382 satisfied customers
I want him to understand I miss him and dont want to break
I want him to understand I miss him and dont want to break up agian I broke up with my ex 5 months ago. We dated for 4 and a half years. He treated me really well, we were very happy. I broke up with … read more
Cher
Cher
JustAnswer Expert & Mentor;Teacher/Tutor
Masters Degree
1,382 satisfied customers
Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Show MoreShow Less

Ask Your Question

x