Have Relationship Questions? Ask a Counselor for Answers ASAP
Welcome to JustAnswers. My name is***** little bit about me… I am a psychologist and have been practicing for the last five years in private practice and in a community setting. I work with families and people of all ages. I am also a registered life coach and solution-focused therapist. I am passionate about helping people and finding solutions, not growing problems. I believe that the mind is a very powerful tool and can be used to achieve any outcome in life-positive thoughts lead to a positive life. I am here to help you with your question.
It sounds like you are going through a really hard time. Being in a new country, not knowing anyone and being let down by family. I am sure you are contending with many negative emotions and feeling quite confused. Your feelings are valid and normal, they offer you some guidance on your thinking habits.
I am sure this has not been an easy transition. It sounds like there is a lot of negativity towards your cousin. However, focusing on the problem never really leads us towards a satisfactory solution... so lets figure this out together and try come to a more solution-focused, positive place. You mentioned that you would like to move out- what do you think this will accomplish and how do you think things will be different?
It sounds like you have listed quite a few reasons to move out. You seem to have been thinking about this a lot. Unfortunately, we cant control other people and make them do what they say they will. your cousin may have made promises he cant live up to, which is unfortunate for you- but also a learning curve. This often happens with people and the truth is he probably did think he would be able to help... but now sees that it is just demanding and he is more preoccupied with his own life.
I would encourage you to do the same- start looking for ways to make you own life better. This might mean moving out or it might mean staying with your cousin for another few months until you can really stand on your own two feet. But use you own internal resources to accomplish the things you need to accomplish. This might have been a great stepping stone to get you to this new place and offer you a start. It also seems to be something that is forcing you to rely on your own resources and self more fully- i am sure you will surprise yourself with your ability to do so!
Use the opportunities you get and keep positive and grateful as your family say- because this will lead to better and better outcomes in your life. Try see your cousin for the good things he has brought into your life and not what he has failed to do and of course most importantly- see yourself for the good you have accomplished. it is not easy to move to a new place- but it shows you have strength, bravery, resilience and ambition.
You can do this!
the move is something to consider. However, it will be something you will have to weigh up and see if it is worth your while. you mentioned that it feels safe at your cousin for now and maybe that means you might need a few more months to get on your feet. In which case, you will have to adjust your expectations about him and try and avoid confrontation situations.
I have been a psychologist for a while, but as a student it was compulsory for us to attend our own therapy and the most significant piece of information I gained from months of therapy that i would like to give over to you is this: you always have a choice and you teach people how to treat you... maybe your cousin is trying to control you- but you dont have to let him. You could easily say "ok" when he tries to control you (not get into an argument) and do what you please anyway.
It is often difficult to share our space with someone. this goes for both you and your cousin. However, I am sure there are also many good aspects to him. If you are going to stay, I would encourage you to look at his good aspects (maybe even make a list) because its so easy to get caught up in the negative and focusing on what is going wrong. Once you have made a list (aim for 10 items if you can) you will begin to shift your feelings about your cousin, he will also respond subconsciously to this shift and you might get along better.
Every person wants to feel good and to feel appreciated (so maybe mention some of the good you see in him to him) - this might be a way to get along better with your cousin (this is also the only form of influence that works on people- we cannot force them to be what we want them to be).
I hope this helps!
Just checking in, is there anything further I can assist you with?