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ASacks
ASacks, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Psychologist and Life coach
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I have been living with my cousin for 4 weeks now, I moved

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I have been living with my cousin for 4 weeks now, I moved to Melbourne from a small town in Tasmania. He made all these promises to help me when I got here and has not stuck to what he said. When he actually does something which has nothing to do with what he said or why I am here, always brings it up like it’s urgent and I’m not that interested in it and I feel uncomfortable making the call. Two weeks after being here, he spent a week in bed depressed about his girlfriend cheating after being together a bit longer then a year together and then they got back together. He is controlling and every time I talk about a new friend or old friend he tells me something wrong with them and my Tasmania family and me. He also asks me why I say something all the time, I repeat what he asks me to explain just so he knows how rediculous it is. He is always looking to put himself as a hero type person and expects me to be overly thankful for him helping me and you can’t say any information without a essay on it otherwise he gets in a massive debate about the whole thing. Every time I say I need help or that he said he would, he says stuff like well you haven’t asked. My work is an hour away and he said he would take me and now he gets annoyed with it and I have only been working one week and three days, also said I could borrow his car but now when his girlfriend stays they take his car and leave hers in the drive way, so He won’t let me drive it. Oh and three of those days he didn’t take me and the busses don’t start till 7 which I found out the hard way and he was like didn’t you know that and the app said it would be and I start work at 6 so spending a shit load on taxis and last night they gave me a talk on how much it costs him to take me. I got lost all day yesterday with Public Transport And I couldn’t get home so I called him, didn’t answer so I just jumped in a taxi, I was on 15 mins away I got home they where going off at me for not answering my phone, saying they called me 2 mins after I called and it was 15 mins and I said I was in the taxi and my phone was on silent and they was like we thought you was dead you scared us.
They go away for days but pretend they might come back that night and so one night I didn’t tell them I was going home then that all happened and I started crying, I couldn’t breathe and I said I was scared it was dark I had no idea where I was and was scared to ask for a lift because he gets annoyed so I tried so hard to get home myself but it was late and the busses stopped running.
Now these are two nurses on high doses of meds and suppress any feelings and they didn’t comfort me at all and told me you need to meditate and come up with a plan to get a car and I said I can’t afford it I need help and yeah it was back to me as my fault for not researching to higher a car but I looked for three days and I said I don’t understand it and he said he would help and was like in front of her haven’t you been looking and then he said Tuesday we will call together and today he said you call and I was like we agreed with calling together tomorrow.
I mentioned moving out because i said I feel lonely, like he doesn’t understand me and I don’t understand him.
So do I move out or wait for things to settle because I am safe here?

Hello,

Welcome to JustAnswers. My name is***** little bit about me… I am a psychologist and have been practicing for the last five years in private practice and in a community setting. I work with families and people of all ages. I am also a registered life coach and solution-focused therapist. I am passionate about helping people and finding solutions, not growing problems. I believe that the mind is a very powerful tool and can be used to achieve any outcome in life-positive thoughts lead to a positive life. I am here to help you with your question.

It sounds like you are going through a really hard time. Being in a new country, not knowing anyone and being let down by family. I am sure you are contending with many negative emotions and feeling quite confused. Your feelings are valid and normal, they offer you some guidance on your thinking habits.

I am sure this has not been an easy transition. It sounds like there is a lot of negativity towards your cousin. However, focusing on the problem never really leads us towards a satisfactory solution... so lets figure this out together and try come to a more solution-focused, positive place. You mentioned that you would like to move out- what do you think this will accomplish and how do you think things will be different?

Customer: replied 8 months ago.
It will mean I will not have to answer to someone, it means i won’t have a couple to compete against, I will be closer to work which means I can walk instead of relying on him or busses or taxis.
He keeps mentioning putting cameras in the house, so hopefully I won’t have to put up with distrust and have a normal living relationship with someone.
Customer: replied 8 months ago.
I will be more relaxed, less angry, less irritated and I will feel like an adult instead of being babied. Then with space i can learn to be happy to see my cousin instead of one hundred percent annoyed.
My family keep telling me this was a step to leave Tassie, they know what his like and how he is they keep saying when you get the chance.... move out and be greatfull x

It sounds like you have listed quite a few reasons to move out. You seem to have been thinking about this a lot. Unfortunately, we cant control other people and make them do what they say they will. your cousin may have made promises he cant live up to, which is unfortunate for you- but also a learning curve. This often happens with people and the truth is he probably did think he would be able to help... but now sees that it is just demanding and he is more preoccupied with his own life.

I would encourage you to do the same- start looking for ways to make you own life better. This might mean moving out or it might mean staying with your cousin for another few months until you can really stand on your own two feet. But use you own internal resources to accomplish the things you need to accomplish. This might have been a great stepping stone to get you to this new place and offer you a start. It also seems to be something that is forcing you to rely on your own resources and self more fully- i am sure you will surprise yourself with your ability to do so!

Use the opportunities you get and keep positive and grateful as your family say- because this will lead to better and better outcomes in your life. Try see your cousin for the good things he has brought into your life and not what he has failed to do and of course most importantly- see yourself for the good you have accomplished. it is not easy to move to a new place- but it shows you have strength, bravery, resilience and ambition.

You can do this!

Customer: replied 8 months ago.
Well it will mean I am closer to work and more independent and no rely on transportation to work.
Well I wish he would stop trying to control me.

the move is something to consider. However, it will be something you will have to weigh up and see if it is worth your while. you mentioned that it feels safe at your cousin for now and maybe that means you might need a few more months to get on your feet. In which case, you will have to adjust your expectations about him and try and avoid confrontation situations.

I have been a psychologist for a while, but as a student it was compulsory for us to attend our own therapy and the most significant piece of information I gained from months of therapy that i would like to give over to you is this: you always have a choice and you teach people how to treat you... maybe your cousin is trying to control you- but you dont have to let him. You could easily say "ok" when he tries to control you (not get into an argument) and do what you please anyway.

It is often difficult to share our space with someone. this goes for both you and your cousin. However, I am sure there are also many good aspects to him. If you are going to stay, I would encourage you to look at his good aspects (maybe even make a list) because its so easy to get caught up in the negative and focusing on what is going wrong. Once you have made a list (aim for 10 items if you can) you will begin to shift your feelings about your cousin, he will also respond subconsciously to this shift and you might get along better.

Every person wants to feel good and to feel appreciated (so maybe mention some of the good you see in him to him) - this might be a way to get along better with your cousin (this is also the only form of influence that works on people- we cannot force them to be what we want them to be).

I hope this helps!

Hi :)

Just checking in, is there anything further I can assist you with?

ASacks and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 8 months ago.
Oh sorry I should update you on what happened.
Yes very true I had a lot of negative feelings towards my cousin and I am completely flattered that you was trying to make sure I didn’t do anything to risky to make sure I was setting myself up properly.
I followed my instincts and moved closer to work to the new home and I am very relaxed. I get along with my house mate and are getting a new one today, I am not isolated out in the sticks with my cousin with no promision to have anyone around and he never had friends or family around. My anxiety has gone down 50% because I’m not worried about getting to work, buses and him. He was much more nicer once I said I was leaving as well.
So worked out for both of us.
Thanks for your advice