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My boyfriend stop having sex with me for over 9 months now.

Customer Question
He has no sexual desire...
My boyfriend stop having sex with me for over 9 months now. He has no sexual desire but nothing has change in term of our connection, communication, he still act needy and always want to be near me. He avoid me touching him down there. Help.
Submitted: 4 months ago.Category: Relationship
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Answered in 10 hours by:
3/7/2018
Counselor: ASacks, Psychologist replied 4 months ago
ASacks
ASacks, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 116
Experience: Psychologist and Life coach
Verified

Hello,

Welcome to JustAnswers. My name is***** little bit about me… I am a psychologist and have been practicing for the last five years in private practice and in a community setting. I work with families and people of all ages. I am also a registered life coach and solution-focused therapist. I am passionate about helping people and finding solutions, not growing problems. I believe that the mind is a very powerful tool and can be used to achieve any outcome in life-positive thoughts lead to a positive life. I am here to help you with your question.

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Counselor: ASacks, Psychologist replied 4 months ago

It sounds like you have found yourself in quite a tricky position. I am sure this can lead to many feelings of confusion. I would like to figure this out together. Maybe you can provide me with some further information…

  • How long have you and your boyfriend been together?
  • Before these 9 months what was your sex life like?
  • How old are you and your boyfriend?
  • Is there and medical reason he may not want to participate in sex?
  • Had he undergone any mental or physical trauma?

Maybe clarify for me how I can help you- as I want to help as best I can.

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Customer reply replied 4 months ago
He is 35 I am 34, we have been together for 2 years .. And our sex life was amazing he was a great lover and well attentive in bed room .. of course I liked it so much even sometime it gives me pain. He show no signs of cheating unless he is really really good, he left his phone anywhere, computer and emails - we live together if he ever meet with his buddy he always home on time.. I mean can predictable person be mastermind about cheating -?
And of course the first 3 months in those 9 it taking a huge toll on me, I blame myself, I cried I feel insecure and my confident level went out the window I have broke up with him and left for about a month .. he came over one night we had really nice make up sex .. and follow after it went from once every weekend and then once a month and then slowly just completely disappeared and there’s no sex in my life Right now and I feel that it is so unhealthy for me even thought I have been sailing with it, I’ve supplements for him, I’ve tried doing exercise for his healthy and ask around and even got acupressure specifically for ED done for to. Nothing works, so attempted arranging this meet to have sexual with someone else just to my fixed but I couldn’t get my mental state to go thru with it.. at this point I don’t think I can stay in this relationship any longer but I love him, and he comes home to me everyday, and very needy of me as far as kissing holding hand, cuddling up Netflix, we have little family him and I and our dog .. and it seem he just very happy and content but he feel like I should make peace with it .. I can’t I need sex and real feeling in bed room, he won’t please me other way either - it is zero sexual. I feel like he is so so so disconnect from sex. Please help us.
Counselor: ASacks, Psychologist replied 4 months ago

I would like to start by apologising for the delay in getting back to you, I had a number of urgent matter to attend to in my practice.

Thank you for supplying further information. I know that this can’t be easy for you and it’s often hard to acknowledge and verbalise our feelings. You clearly have so much bravery and strength, I can also see that you care deeply about your partner.

So let’s start by acknowledging that sex is a really important part of life and a healthy relationship and I think that the value you place on it is correct. You deserve to have a great sex life and to feel loved. I understand why this has taken a toll on you especially given that it is a change from your early relationship.

It sounds like you have tried many different options that have to do with his physical health and these didn’t prove to work so I won’t get into any of that.

The next point of discussion is communication. It seems like this is something that needs to be addressed within your relationship… specifically because you love your partner and it seems like he loves you and needs you as well. One of the problems that often come up in relationships is that we don’t communicated in the best way possible. When we try and talk about topics it often ends up being a “blame game” or something like “you never do this” or “you always do that” – these forms of communication often make people (especially men) very defensive. But still it is time for a conversation with your partner…

The mind is a very powerful tool and it can be our friend or our enemy so before any communication… use your brain power (I know this sounds a little silly- but give it a try) and visualize (see in your mind’s eye) / pretend that this conversation with your partner goes exactly as you want it to go. See yourself expressing yourself well, see him accepting what you have to say and really understanding you and mostly feel how great it feels to have this conversation in a mature, positive way. This will pave the way for the conversation to go well… even do this a few times before.

When you find a good moment, ask if you can chat. The key to communication is to be positive, which means express what you want rather than what you don’t want:

If you say “We never have enough sex” this would immediately make him feel defensive, criticized and bad.

But if you say, “I really love you and I adore being intimate with you” – this is a much softer approach.

So use statements like:

“I love you”

“I love being intimate”

“ I really enjoy sex with you and want it to be part of our life”

“I appreciate you so much and miss our sex life”

Remember never use blame or “you never…” or “you always…”

This is the best way to have the conversation around what you want.

However, if you feel you have already had this conversation and it wasn’t well received or if your partner reacts negatively than its time to change track. You can’t control another person and you cant make them do anything…but you can control yourself (your thoughts, your feelings, your words and your actions). So it’s time to put yourself first…. Leave your partner out of the equation and spend some time focusing on you… this is so important because we often feel that we need other to make us feel good about ourselves- when really this is not possible because everyone is looking out for themselves. So we really can feel good about ourselves irrespective of others. Also when we focus on a problem the solution cannot come.

* Start cultivating a positive mind-set: Start by writing a list of things you love about yourself- your personality, your body, the way you look. Your accomplishments, your health – you will see that there is far far far more going well than not. Make this a daily habit to write things down you appreciate about yourself and the world around you. Say these positive things to yourself (maybe in the mirror) – at first you might not believe them but persevere because your brain will eventually take these on as truth and you will start to believe.

* Be more positive in general: try to stop complaining for a whole, day then 2 days then 3 and more and more (this will really change your life for the better). Stop watching depressing news, stop talking to people who make you feel sad/ bad. Don’t follow sad things on social media or watch sad shows on TV- try and cultivate happiness for a little while.

*Take care of yourself: Do things that you love, take long baths, exercise, go out with friends, play with your dog, take up a hobby- anything that makes you feel good.

Try do this for a few days and see some changes. Once you are in a solid place of feeling better, now direct your feelings towards your partner- he doesn’t even have to know about it.

*Write a list of what you want out of your relationship: Make this list positive. E.g don’t write “I don’t want to feel unsexual” write “I want to have a wonderful, fulfilling sex life”. write everything you want our of the relationship you are in.

*Write a list of positive aspects about your partner: it become so easy for us to forget all the good in someone when something is going wrong so make a list of all the things you love about him and all the reasons you fell in love.

* Use that mind power we talk about before: see everything working out really well, imagine it, pretend it and most importantly feel what it would feel like if your relationship was exactly as you want it (use your list from above to help you). This really primes the brain to go after what you want.

Once you are in this good place, things will start to shift in your life and you can try approaching your partner again or decide if this is still a relationship that is making you happy. But doing this kind of “work” first will give you clarity, focus and a positive mindset that will help you make good decisions.

Remember you deserve to live a wonderful, happy fulfilled life- that is really why you are here.

You are on the right path and you deserve all of the very best!

Wishing you the fulfilment of all that you desire!

AS

I sincerely ***** ***** I have helped you and that I have earned my 5 star rating today! Please remember to rate my service by selecting the 5 stars at the top of the screen (rating me now does not close your question). We can continue here until you are satisfied, simply use the reply box and let me know.

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Counselor: ASacks, Psychologist replied 4 months ago
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Customer reply replied 4 months ago
Ho thank you for following up. :) i read your responded few days ago but I want to reread again i like to take in a full grasp of it.. I’ll be sure to reply whether with question or simple just letting you know what I got out of it.Thanks again :)
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