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I have been texting a guy for nearly 5 months. He is really…

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I have been texting a...
I have been texting a guy for nearly 5 months. He is really sweet and fun. He always texts me asking about my day. WE chat about everything and anything Around Christmas he told me he adored me and he has said he loves me a number of times. We only met up once as we live in two different cities.
last week he was saying he hopes we will move in together in the future now that I am going to be staying close by. We have talked earlier in the relationship that we both want a relationship too.
After that he started to get distant in texting me. Then I was on my email and saw I keep getting posts from plenty of fish so I decided to go on and deactivate my account. While there I saw his profile online and he was paying a subscription to the website. I have looked over the last 3 days and he has logged on each day.
We decided to meet again this week but I am now worried that he is not that into me as I really thought.
I want to ask him about where we are going but I am worried as I don't want to lose him.
Submitted: 4 months ago.Category: Relationship
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Answered in 1 hour by:
3/6/2018
Counselor: ASacks, Psychologist replied 4 months ago
ASacks
ASacks, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 116
Experience: Psychologist and Life coach
Verified

Hello,

Welcome to JustAnswers. My name is***** little bit about me… I am a psychologist and have been practicing for the last five years in private practice and in a community setting. I work with families and people of all ages. I am also a registered life coach and solution-focused therapist. I am passionate about helping people and finding solutions, not growing problems. I believe that the mind is a very powerful tool and can be used to achieve any outcome in life-positive thoughts lead to a positive life. I am here to help you with your question.

Lets try figure this out together. Can you let me know a little bit more about the sort of information you are looking for...

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Customer reply replied 4 months ago
Am I looking into the situation too much into the situation with this fella? Should I be taking a step back from this? I never felt this so worried or confused. I want to see if we can work out but I feel like I am anxious about it since I found out he is on a dating website. How can I feel less anxious?
Counselor: DrJackiePhD, Doctor replied 4 months ago
DrJackiePhD
DrJackiePhD, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 424
Experience: I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.
Verified

Hi, I'm Dr. Jackie, a therapist, interpersonal communication professor, and relationship expert. I am sorry you are going through some confusion right now.

Maybe you can give me a little more detail. First, I thought POF was a non-paying/free dating website. At least, I thought that is what a customer once told me. But that was several years ago. Maybe the policies have changed. I was thinking that if it were free, maybe he is checking his email when he is on just to say, "Hi" to anyone. But I think your curiosity is valid--you believe he is sincere and yet he still seems to be communicating with other potential relationship partners.

Do you ever video chat? You can tell so much more by talking on the phone than mere text because at least you get to hear the voice. And certainly with video chat, you get to see facial affect as well. So is it just texting besides the one face-to-face visit, or do you talk on the phone/video chat?

My second question--how far away do you live from one another? If you have been texting for 5 months and live within a few hours of each other, then on a weekend you should be able to get together unless perhaps one of you does not have automobile transportation or something like that is posing as an obstacle.

Third, can you clarify, "Staying close by?" Have you moved to a city closer to him now? I am hoping if you did move, that it was for a job or school, not for him. I say that not to be pessimistic or negative but that at this point it does not seem to me that you have made a commitment enough to warrant one of you moving to be close to the other. I hope that makes sense.

I don't know how personal your texts are, but after 5 months, there should be sufficient sparks and normal human curiosity aroused that you should be dying to see one another if there truly is something developing. I understand the nervousness and jitters, but you should be trying hard to see one another. So maybe this is present and I'm just misinterpreting your post. Of course it is tough to interpret feelings in text like it is on posts. So perhaps if you can respond to my questions, I definitely will reply and give you my thoughts.

At this point, I really must stress that it is OK to ask where you are headed or how he feels. You can also tell him what you did--logged on to POF to cancel your subscription and happened to see he is still on. You don't have to sound accusatory--just genuinely but directly tell him you are just trying to figure out where the two of you are. I think women more than men tend to worry about "the relationship talk" because we know from research that women tend to want to talk about this a lot more than do men. But also understand that some women constantly have to have reaffirmation as in daily or multiple times daily. This is what can really irritate men. But in your case, assuming this is not something discussed before, it is totally appropriate. Both of you should know where you stand and how you feel about trying to move to the next step.

Please let me know how I can help you further in a future response. Looking forward to hearing back.

Best,

Dr. Jackie

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Customer reply replied 4 months ago
Hi Dr. Jackie,Thank you for your response. It was helpful.When I looked at POF there is an option to upgrade your account to get more people to see your profile and if people are reading your messages. If the profile is highlighted yellow it means that the person has upgraded their profile. There are 2, 4 or 8-month subscriptions. It does not say how long the person is on theWe never video chatted but we do talk on the phone every so often, but we usually text every day. There are days we might not text at all and I was never too bothered about it. It was just after seeing his profile on POF that I thought he was a bit off with me for a few days.We live over an hour away on good days but with traffic it can be longer. We both work in the same area (education) and we both have the same past time (equitation). We also own horses but he has a lot more and looks after them in the morning and the evening. We make plans to meet up but sometimes something comes up on either side (I might have to go back home for the weekend, do my college course and exams or he is fixing the house and look after the mares who are foaling or any of the foals). We both are interested in meeting all the time. We are always saying that we need to meet too and try to make plans. When we did meet it was so easy going and we were both very comfortable with each other. It was nice. His body language was relaxed, and he was always either holding my hand or hugging me every so often, kiss on the cheek and we did kiss a few times. His eyes were always on me and had a smile on his face too. We had a good time together (he mentioned this too).I moved to where I live now 2 years ago for my job. Last week my boss approached me and said he is looking to make a permanent member of staff. I am not moving away from where I live as of now. When I first met him over a year before we started texting properly, I was not sure if I was going to be staying in the job I had. I had interviews back home. Then, I decided to stay in my job as I have loads of opportunities. He then texted me out of the blue a year after we first met and started talking. We got close that we can talk about anything that was on out minds.When we did meet up, he was talking about the future. He mentioned that he would like to date me (I was going on courses for 4 weekends after this) and that he would like to move in with me. He even mentioned that he would be willing to follow me back to where I am from (nearly 3 hours away from where he lives now) if I decided I wanted to move closer to my parents and family. He said he would be willing to give up his permanent job for me. At this stage I told him I was not looking to move back home as I was given more responsibility in work and hope to stay close by. This was when he was talking about building a house and that he wanted it to be our house.I think I was just confused on what this all means and if I the feeling of confusion is normal. We are not exclusive but some of the things he says in texts confused me too (he said he “was all” mine).I was not sure if I should talk to him about being on POF and came upon his profile. I never needed to be reaffirmed about that he is thinking about me. I am not sure if I should ask him about where this is heading after him talking about the future? This is the first time I have been in a situation like this and I am unsure what to do here?
Counselor: DrJackiePhD, Doctor replied 4 months ago

Thank you so much for clarifying all of that -- you are very articulate and I definitely have a better understanding. I have a client who just arrived (in person) but I will text you back after our session and respond to this last response. Thank you! I will write back in about an hour or so.

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Counselor: Christopher Hill ,
 replied 4 months ago
Christopher Hill
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 14
Experience: Licensed Alcohol and Drug Counselor at River Ridge Treatment Center
Verified
Just curious if this is a question you would consider a phone conversation?
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Customer reply replied 4 months ago
Why a phone converstion
Counselor: Christopher Hill ,
 replied 4 months ago
Oh I thought it would be easier to discuss. No worries if you done want too
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Counselor: Christopher Hill ,
 replied 4 months ago
I would say if you two are serious and have built trust then there is no need to be afraid to pose the question of whether or not he is still in to you. Sometime people will continue to look on sites out of curiosity not necessarily to date, don’t know if this is the case with him but it sounds like you have an open door to ask since you two talk a good amount already.
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Customer reply replied 4 months ago
If it was necessary I would have spoken on the phone.
Was I looking into it in too much detail then.
Counselor: Christopher Hill ,
 replied 4 months ago
It could be that you’re looking a little deep, however it is good to have healthy boundaries and curiosity in a new relationship is always good as well.
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Counselor: Christopher Hill ,
 replied 4 months ago
I would encourage you think about having that conversation with him, however do it when you are both in a good mood of course.
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Counselor: DrJackiePhD, Doctor replied 4 months ago

Hi,

It's Dr. Jackie. I was not in the office yesterday. I'm reading through this. Do you want to chat more with me? I see someone else popped in here. Did you want to finish or continue?

Thanks,

Dr. Jackie

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Customer reply replied 4 months ago
I would like to finish if we can please.
Customer reply replied 4 months ago
Sorry I meant I would like to continue with our conversation and chat more if we can please
Counselor: Christopher Hill ,
 replied 4 months ago
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Customer reply replied 4 months ago
Dr. Jackie, can I continue our conversation as I would like to know your opinion too and chat more.
Customer reply replied 4 months ago
I would like to speak with Dr Jackie about this topic and continue to talk about this
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