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My husband's parents are in their late 60 ties. They have no…

My husband's parents are in...
My husband's parents are in their late 60 ties. They have no financial sense and spend more than they earn. They always expect my husband to support them financially but refuse to reduce their budget and want total freedom as to how to spend their money. Mother in law has no job but has rentals from her house, she still travel overseas very year going to expensive places like buhdan. Dad monthly income barely support a car but still buys a car and wants my husband to help with payment . My husband and myself are both in late 30th with no kid but I am a cancer survivor with probability of cancer reoccurring. My husband has a ongoing genetic kidney problem that could develop into life threatening issue after 40 or 50th (though only god will know when or if) . my parents in law don't care about our situation although we now appear cash rich (though I am also unemployed now recovering from my cancer) . They don't have basic understanding and caring for my husband and myself. They are so fixated on money and enjoying themselves that they are now very cold to my husband as my husband has refused to give them monthly allowance, considering him a bad son. What to do with selfish parents in law ikea them?
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Answered in 15 hours by:
2/19/2018
Rev.Dr. August Abbott
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7,821
Experience: Ordained minister: Counselor (spiritual/life)
Verified

I hope this empowers you and more than that I hope that both you and your husband join forces on this. People, no matter who they are, cannot take advantage of us without our allowing it. By repeatedly giving in to these senior citizens' demands you are teaching them not only that they can rely on you, but exactly how to press the buttons that get them what they want. They use words for rewards. By calling your husband a bad son or implying anything like that - they get what they want. Not what they NEED, just the 'extras' in life that they 'want'.

Picture a temper tantrum throwing child in any store. Mommy/Daddy does whatever the child wants in order to shut them up - they'll buy that toy or give that cookie - whatever it takes. By doing this they are teaching that child that bad behavior gets a reward. Is that good parenting? Oh absolutely not. It's actually the worst kind of parenting there is. Ideally the parent gives a warning "stop now or we leave this place immediately". Behavior doesn't stop - then leave immediately. Once that parent establishes to that child that they mean what they say, they will always follow through and they will not tolerate bad behavior, that child learns an important and lasting life's lesson, PLUS that their parents are honest, trustworthy people who aren't just making empty threats.

Your husband's parents are those temper tantrum throwing children. Your husband MUST tell them the bank is closed. Not "I can't do this anymore", but "I won't do this anymore". Let the tantrum play out - and believe me, they will throw a major fit, claim they're going to lose the car, perhaps their home - it can escalate pretty quickly.

The hardest part is keeping your word. Not giving in. Keep picturing those screaming kids and tell yourselves it's for their own good (which it is).

Now, with all that said, if you are comfortable enough to allot a stipend to them to help out with basics, by all means tell them that this is the set amount they'll be getting, with extra on their b'days, their anniversary and Christmas/Hanukkah/other, but that's it. If they get themselves into trouble the key words are 'they get themselves into trouble' and they will have to figure out how to 'get themselves' out of it, just like the rest of us do.

You do not need the stressor of grown parents coming between you and your husband or adding to any stressors that are already in your life or to come. You must support each other on this decision and not fall prey to convoluted stories of woe or anger that are sure to come.

You must either follow through on this or just learn to live with what you've done - that is two dependent, possibly greedy people viewing you as their personal ATM with a bottomless balance

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Customer reply replied 4 months ago
My husband has agreed to his parents to help with emergency cash. But they are not happy with this promise. They want monthly cash handout or a share of my husband annual bonus or just a few hundred bucks as occasional allowance to help pay new year celebration expenses or medical expenses, which my husband already gave. But they are just very unhappy with my husband, giving cold face when sitting together in the new year get-together or scolding him in text messages. Not to say caring for us.
Customer reply replied 4 months ago
His mom is not appreciative even after my husband helped pay off the remaining 2000 or so mortgage balance, which they were not able to due to their extremely poor financial sense.

All the more reason to stop allowing this - they cannot take what they are not given, right? If all that your husband has done thus far still hasn't made them happy, why continue? It's the temper tantrum throwing child. No matter how often you give in and get them to stop being cranky for a while, they will ALWAYS do it again. Why? Because it works. He has to stop - or it's really his fault that it's happening.

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Customer reply replied 4 months ago
They say they can have a reduction of monthly allowance from before (600 each person) . Is it OK to give them just 100 per month for each parent? My husband has been thinking about this just to make his parents happier and his life a bit easier.
Customer reply replied 4 months ago
We live in an Asian culture and his parents stresses respect and obidience for parents. But I know dimecitgercsgedcparejts don't ask fir money from their children as they seem to be more understanding.
Customer reply replied 4 months ago
But know some other aged parents don't ask fir money from their children as they seem to be more understanding.

Asian parents do not typically take advantage of their children to excess as you've described. This culture is known for their respect of each other, especially family members.

These parents are not considered typical and you both have to agree to provide only what you can comfortably afford and not allow them to take advantage of you any longer. Then you have to stick to it.

Please don't forget to rate this exchange so I can take it down from the board. Best wishes to you both in moving forward as a team and stopping this cycle of financial abuse by your husband's parents.

Rev.Dr. August Abbott
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7,821
Experience: Ordained minister: Counselor (spiritual/life)
Verified
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