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If you are there I would like to describe the situation,

Jen, if you are there...
Jen, if you are there I would like to describe the situation, which I asked you about yesterday, in more detail as I would value your opinion.
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Answered in 1 minute by:
1/19/2018
TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,930
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Verified

I know how much pain you are in and feel free to express anything you desire, but just so you know I will probably still believe staying the course we mapped out yesterday is the way to go.

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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
I understand that and I have completely accepted it. I am at a place so low I thought it wasn't possible but what is much worse is my worry for Katy, my x-girlfriend. I have coped today, been in some tricky meetings, and I don't think anyone noticed anything. However, afterwards it almost makes it worse. However, I was hoping that describing our circumstances a bit more could maybe help you assess future actions better. I know that will not be for some time. I know I muct leave Katy alone however awful it feels and however worried I am about her.

This is a hard space for you and for her and you both need your own time to process, heal, work on yourselves and hopefully come back together. I wish there was a short cut, but there just isn't and rushing or pushing will not get you what you desire.

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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
No, I understand. I hope that maybe explaining a bit more would enable you to give me a more detailed assessment of might happen later and how to go about it. My previous wife and I had many lovely years raising three wonderful boys. They are adults now, and we are both really close to all three of them. However, we drifted apart mentally, I don't think the connection on that front was so good. Eventually, we divorced and got together with Katy. We have had an immensely strong mental connection although she is sixteen years younger than me. However, I still have conncetion with my family and they have not been willing to connect with Katy yet. This is a problem as I spend some time at the family house. Katy hasn't wanted children and is an extremely free spirit but I can see it must have felt to her as if her and me did not take the full step (that is, I didn't) and make us the centre of everything. In my mind Katy was the centre of my life but practically that was not fully borne out. My ex-wife has the family house but I am still involved in it and help with it. Katy and I got a little house but it has not allowed us to really build our base and I was not very engaged in that house. We have been planning for some time to find the right place when a lot of work problems arose, beginning two years ago. That and the fact that my youngest son got very depressed at university made me lose focus and over Christmas when Katy was with her father, it clearly snapped for her. I know I have been terribly stupid and have failed Katy. I should have done soemthing about finding the house much earlier and pushing much harder to sort the family issue out. I was trying to balance too many things. Nevertheless, it shocked me beyond words that Katy simply broke up rather than discussing it again. I was in disbelief but I am not blaming her, because I should have been awake a long time ago. Considering how incredibly good we are together, and how we have magical times whatever we are doing it seemed so wrong to me. She told me on New Years Day, and soon after I was away in the US for work. At that time, she kept saying that we would talk about it when I got back but, by then, she changed her mind and wrote me an email to say that she had to be honest to herself and therefore it was over. I tried hard to respect it and we met to talk about closure and I more or less lost it completely, telling her how unhappy I was about the way I had treated her, how stupid I had been. The day after I proposed to her at work - but without anyone knowing - and she heard me out although she said she was uncomfortable with it. I promised her I would do everything to make things right (and I absoloutely mean it) and we talked a bit afterwards. She seemd very gloomy but did say that she needed time. Fool that I am I then went to see her in the evening poured my heart out. She said with some bitterness why I hadn't proposed to her on a holiday we had in Rome two months ago and she thought I hadn't said that I love her. She was wrong about that, I constantly tell her that I love her, maybe too much, but I can't help it because I do love her so much that it constantly comes into my mind. The things is, I have started two companies and had to leave one of them in September because we had hired the wrong CEO who has no respect for the employees - this was very traumatic for me and these are some of the problems that have brewed for two years. I think this has cost me dearly because our relationship has in taht time not developed fully. However, the only thing I wish is for it do that. That last evening - on monday - when I spoke to Katy she then said that I am only doing all this now because I am afraid of losing her. I am afraid of losing her but I also want to make her happy and fulfilled, and I realise I should have prioritised her over everything else earlier. I understand I have made things worse by overwhelming her with my feelings and my promises. Do you think I would be doing the right thing for her by trying to rescue us later and do you think what has happened looks very damaging for that possibility? Sorry it's so long...

Please give me a few to read all and absorb and respond.

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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
of course
Thank you for going more in-depth. My response would still be the same. She needs time on her own but based on the fact that your family has not accepted her I don't hear that she will have much of a desire to return to that same situation. You are a great dad with your children but she might feel that there is a bit too much involvement for her with the ex. You must give her time and space to go through all this.
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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
after writing with you yesterday I am determined to give her time and space. But, after all that has happened in the last week, do you think she will believe that I am determined to do the right things for her, to commit to her, if she decides to talk to me at some point?
I think she knows that you are determined but she may also feel that it won't matter because your family won't accept her.
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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
What has mostly blocked that is my ex-wife but she has now realised that this could be very serious, so I think I can change the situation. Also the boys are grown up now. The question is whether Katy will believe it? Also, it is not entirely in my control.
Why does the ex-wife have so much say and control in your life? That is something that you need to figure out for yourself.
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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
Although we have remained friendly, she has used the feelings of the boys and herself almost as a threat to me sometimes. Saying that one of the boys would go under or other terrible things would happen if I did not give them enough attention. I find it very hard to hurt anyone's feelings, I am afraid I am quite a fool and should have been more decisive.
that kind of manipulation hasn't helped you as an individual or for you to move forward in your life. Your girlfriend is right to have the feelings that she has had and I am not sure hearing all this that she will be able to come back.
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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
I have realised my mistakes now and I would be decisive going forwards.
Okay so that's all good to know let's see if she comes back and you can take it from there
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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
thank you. I would like to be in touch with you later if something happens.
I would like that as well. Please stay in touch with me and let me know how you were doing. You know how to find me in a new question.
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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
Thank you!
My pleasure.
TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,930
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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