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My girlfriend of 10 years suddenly broke up. I have

My girlfriend of 10...

My girlfriend of 10 years suddenly broke up. I have chirldren with a previous partner and we still keep the family house and gather. But my family has not accepted my new partner `although she is everything to me. My new partner says she broke up because she is not being accepted by my family which still means a lot to me. My partner/grildfriend has raised this before and I have tried but not made progress yet. Still it came as an earth-shattering shock to me that she broke with me. It is now 18 days ago and, since then I believe I ahve behaved like a fool. I have pleaded with her, declared my endless love for her, admitted it has been my fault (which it is) and that I have not done well enough for her. I have also promosed her that I would change everything and proposed to her. I have not in any way blamed her or anything like that. I just think this is wrong because I know we love each other endlessly and, maybe more importnat, that we share thoughts and fun and everything in a way I never thought was possible. And we have never argued when we are together. We have been so comfortable that we are never bored together. I have now apologised for pushing so much after she broke with me and sais I understand why she did it (and I meant everything I said). Have I lost any chance of coming back together with her again and making things as I should have done?

Expert's Assistant: The Psychologist will know what to do. Is there anything else important you think the Psychologist should know?

I think I have given a reasonable picture. I would add that my girlfriend can flick moods very dramatically and when she gets gloomy, she isolates herself and locks up. I think it is a knd of self-preservation because she was not valued as she should have been when she was a child.

Expert's Assistant: What can I say?

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Answered in 13 minutes by:
1/18/2018
TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,803
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Verified

I don't think you acted like a fool....you have poured your heart out and she knows you are there if she desires to come back. If she feels that she isn't accepted by your family and you don't support her in that then it might be hard for her to come back. But, if you can work to make things different in that area then she might feel safe enough and trust you enough to have a different experience. I would let her know you will do what it takes with your family and that you will give her the space and time to feel her feelings and decide what works for her. Giving her that space and time will allow her feelings to come up and she can miss you and desire to return. Try not to push the issue further because then she may isolate more...let her be and she just might want to reconnect.

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Customer reply replied 4 months ago
Thank you, ***** ***** right to me and is encouraging. I am in black despair. Do you think I should avoid contacting her at all or do you think it would help things - and her (she is as far as I know extremely distressed) - if I occasionally send a small message asking about something not to do with us? For example, whether things went well with a course she has done, things like that?
Customer reply replied 4 months ago
I would like a call but I can't be alone tonight. Is it possible to schedule a time?

I think if you contact her even for little check ins then you are not honoring that space for her and she might feel like she doesn't have room to breathe. You can send her a text now and let her know the family stuff as I mentioned above and that you will give her the time and space she needs and are there if she needs you.

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The phone call request is an auto pop up from the system. We can continue here.

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Customer reply replied 4 months ago
I have already told her that I would do anything to change the situation with my family and that I realise my priorities have been muddled, i.e. that, although I thought of it that way, it was not always her and our relationship that came first. Not being in contact at all seems counterintuitive and a bit cold but I see that maybe it is best as you advise, that is, to wait and see if she wants to be in touch?

Yes it does feel counter-intuitive but if you push then she may feel suffocated and not respected. Giving her the space allows her to miss you, think about things and desire to return. In my many years of experience this is what I have seen as the best course of action.

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Customer reply replied 4 months ago
I understand. I should add one thing. I am worried that I have been so overwhelming in appealing to her and promising her everything that she is concerned about being in contact at all. We have had such a good way of talking, both seem so rational, and I found it deeply disturbing that suddenly she wouldn't talk at all so I overreacted. I feel I muct somehow make her trust that we could talk sensibly about it all.

Yes and that is more confirmation that pulling back now and not reaching out is the way to go...more contact pushes her away. Less will allow her to breathe.

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Customer reply replied 4 months ago
I can see that. Is there any way of telling for how long it is best not to contact her?

I wish there was a simple answer to that, but there isn't because for you each minute seems like an eternity but for her several weeks might not feel enough. Take it day by day and focus on your growth during this time.

TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,803
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Verified
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Customer reply replied 4 months ago
Thank you, ***** ***** see that your advice is the best I can do and it makes it easier to cope.

Good work!

Keep me posted please. If you need some support again, please begin a new question and request therapist Jen and it will come to me.

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Customer reply replied 4 months ago
Thank you, ***** *****
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