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I found out my time boyfriend had a nine month affair with…

I found out my...

I found out my long time boyfriend had a nine month affair with younger girl at work..fell in love with her and wanted to start a life..I contacted new girlfriend (who did not know about me..she filled me in on every detail) we exchanged all of his lies he told us..I left and moved..they remain together..why did he recently contact me, and continuisly lies about most of it? He says his life has been depressed lately too..is he lying or telling the truth? Either she finally left him, or he is lying to play the victim so I should feel bad for him..no matter what the reason is?, why is he bothering with me still..he ignored me for three months and I am still absolutely decanted how he ruined the life I had and moved out..I still care for him unfortunately, but need to remember that he is a cumpulsove liar and treated me like a fool for the past year! Why is he contacting me now trying to get me to sympathize with him as if he is not that bad, and a sad victim..not ever really apologized to me either of the trauma he put me through...he still will not take on that responsibility and lies about it.,just wondering why did he suddenly start txtn me? And I think he's lying still..even says he is not seeing her anymore, when pics in social media says otherwise..I truly don't understand this, or him..I'm hate being soft and nice to him and still believe what he tells me..however I have to remember what he is capable of and will lie to me about anything to this point? So confused?? And my heart is still so broken over him

Expert's Assistant: The Psychologist will know what to do. Is there anything else the Psychologist should be aware of?

We were together for six years..lived together for five years..yes our relationship was getting verbally and emotionally abusive in the end..I wanted to work on out our problems...he instead had full on affair after starting new job with new position that brings in a much bigger paycheck then he ever had..I feel used up, and now look back and see that he hasn't been in love with me for at least past two years...new young girlfriend makes him happy and told her she is the best thing that has ever happened to him in his life..(I was and am completely crushed!) it has been three months and I have moved and sleeping on my fathers couch, as they flash pics on social media of how happy they are..I(I hear that from friends, we blocked each other)...why contact me a week ago, with no apology and trying to get me to realize that what he did wasn't that bad, since our relationship was falling apart anyways..I'm still devasted everyday with the quick shock of moving and loosing my dog and cat, friends from our area we use to live, and even miss him bc he was my best friend..but why is he contacting me? And also trying to make me feel bad for him? I know he has no idea or empathy of the pain I'm going through..he might be really depressed if she left, or might be happy still and playing a game with me that he is not that big of a jerk and playing dumb and denying there long relationship? Very confused..I'm happy to talk to him again (must admit I miss him).,but it's not the old him I fell in love with..has not asked once how I am doing..all about himself and trying to manipulate me into feeling bad for him and that he still is a nice guy..why does he care about my opinion so much? Big chance I will never see him again, and no chance we are in love...what is the point of all of this..trying to move on with no closure..and now his confusing behavior that I do not trust one bit sadly.

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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
Just to add, his side girlfriend showed me every txt message, pictures of them together, and even videos of how intimate and affectionate they were..I almost threw up and passed out..I couldn't believe my eyes..so he I can't understand why he is trying to get around that what he did to me was not that horrible..again tho, why is he trying to down play to me..he was a nasty jerk to me when this was all working out for him behind my back, and even ignored me and threw me out of his life after I exposed all of it three months ago? Why be nice and try to talk to me as friends..again all about him, and doesn't get the damage he caused to me..or doesn't want to admit jay was he did was horrible..would be fine, but why trying to get my approval that he is not a scumbag..starting from a week ago out of nowhere through txt while he was drinking..I acted nice, now think we are friends and everything is fine? I expressed my anger, and hurt, and that we are not friends..does know that I have a big heart tho..so throwing sad story of his circumstances to me..(which I'm sure is a lie)..what is making him to do this..he moved on from me at least a ur ago??
Answered in 2 hours by:
1/12/2018
Rev.Dr. August Abbott
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7,881
Experience: Ordained minister: Counselor (spiritual/life)
Verified

First, it sounds like this fellow is a pathological liar associated with perhaps narcissistic tendencies and very likely some serious insecurities. He's just a potential plethora of disorders that won't improve, change or go away until HE takes that first step in admitting there's something in need of attention and it's time to seek professional help in the way of counseling.

Until he does, this is a pattern likely to continue throughout his life, leaving a trail of broken hearts and betrayals while building a shaky foundation of poor character, lack of ethics and being untrustworthy. Even though this might be behavior reserved for his 'love' relationships it is still the underlying 'man' he is and people who are good judges of character will always know

So, my second statement and hopefully the strongest is that you are deserving of much better than this.

By tolerating such poor treatment and disrespect you are telling him that it's alright for him to do. If and when he feels like he's losing one of his 'con jobs' - he struggles to regain control and his position by revving up his 'sweet talk', just as you've seen.

There is absolutely no point in entertaining the slightest thought of renewing anything with him. Unless he can attest to receiving professional counseling, which is usually apparent when the recovering individual seeks out those he's harmed in some way and makes amends. This means he admits to every single thing he did wrong, specifically and apologizes from the bottom of his heart. You'll know if it's genuine.

But you don't need that; you deserve a better man than that and it's important for you to make this choice in life right now. Otherwise it will only happen again and again and you do not need that, right?

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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
real answer is..are his feelings genuine for me at all? Where they ever? He's short and I was considered attractive above his means..curious if he ever loved me, why be with me for 6 yrs, go through so much also..was it all a conjob for him you think? Just trying to gain some real perspective on him...I loved him unconditionally..is he trying to win me back later, or just keep me on a shelf forever when life doesn't go his way..when it does, I know I'm gone again like dust..I almost thought for a moment he reached out bc he genuinely missed me..we did have many good times spent together..just questioning now if any of that was real? Your thoughts??

Ask yourself this: IF his claims of what he felt for you were honest, would he have done what he did? If you love and cherish someone - truly, honestly love them - you would step in front of a bullet for them. You would do anything on earth to save them from suffering any pain and you'd be there for them, 100% in support of them, caring about them, if anyone else were to hurt them.

So it's rather doubtful that any of his claims about what he felt were honest. And again, if a pathological liar, anti-social personality disorder or any one of a dozen more possibilities, it's just not his fault. He loves himself first and last. It's all about self-serving; getting what he needs or wants.

It isn't that he's viciously planning on hurting others. It's just that he can't comprehend that others have feelings or value above himself (or even equal to himself)

Without professional help - it won't ever be different. He has a 'need' to have others 'love' him and to that end he'll do and say whatever it takes. Very unlikely any of the things he does or says is genuine.

And I honestly believe you know that. You don't want to know that, but you do

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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
Thank you for the insight..I spent everyday with him for years up until 3 months ago..hard to see him for he really is instead my delusional image I made up for him that I adored
Customer reply replied 7 months ago
Your absolutely right.,you did explain him very well..thank you so much

Please don't blame yourself. It is not your fault in the least. These people are very talented and experienced in what they do. They start in early childhood. Sometimes it's nature (they are born with a chip malfunction); other times it's nurture (parents, family with dysfunction create more dysfunction) and sometimes it's a blend of both

They are the ones at fault. NOT you.

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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
I know that now as time goes by more..he doesn't realize that he's fully self serving and selfish... I did see that in him all along deep down..accepting it now

Recovery won't be easy even though you know the truth. If it only it were that simple right? You need support in order to stay strong. Do you have a good, solid friend and/or family members who will be compassionate, understanding and help you through this?

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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
Not so much, willing to seek therapy myself to get years of self worth and self esteem back that I lost over time with him

Oh that is the strongest thing you've said! If you follow through with that promise to yourself there is no way you'll fail.

And so smart to acknowledge it, understand you need a 'guide' to show you the way to grow into the woman you are deep inside. Deserving of a real love and faithfulness

You got this. I'm here for you too

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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
Thank you!

You're welcome. Please be sure to rate this so I can close it. And you can re open it any time or post a new question and ask for me "August"

I mean it. I'm here for you. Stay strong

Rev.Dr. August Abbott
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7,881
Experience: Ordained minister: Counselor (spiritual/life)
Verified
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