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Hi there I am looking for advice on how to establish communication again with a girl who has recently gone quiet on me through our phones - Can you help? Thanks

Expert's Assistant: The Psychologist will know what to do. Please tell me everything you can so the Psychologist can help you best.

We met about 45 days ago - Communication was good off the start. We had two amazing dates. She expressed her interest in me physically as well as verbally. She is a recent college graduate, in a new city, and very committed to her job, also she is not good with her phone, which is ok but sometimes tough for me. Because of her job time commitments we had two dates that we had to cancel. We have not seen each other since around middle of December. We talked for about 10 days straight and since Christmas i have heard nothing. Sent a text Christmas day, called a few days later, wished her a happy NYE - I have heard nothing back. I am a bit confused on why she has gone silent & what the best way to get her attention and primarily get back in front of her again. I have been out of town and we will both be back in the same city in a few days and I would like to see her, but do not want to freak her out. Any suggestions on what I should do? Thanks

Expert's Assistant: Is there anything else the Psychologist should be aware of?

I know her family is important to her and over the holidays was splitting time focusing on each parent, grandmother, sister - So she was probably focused on that, but i feel like if interested wouldve been more responsive. She returned back to where we live for an athletic game with her college, a bunch of her friends were in town and then celebrated New Years before returning to work. I was out of town for New Years and when her friends were in town, still am - But could possibly see her in a few days

Submitted: 4 months ago.Category: Relationship
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Answered in 6 hours by:
1/4/2018
Counselor: CounselorJules, Counselor replied 4 months ago
CounselorJules
CounselorJules, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 821
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor
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Thank you for your question. I hope that I can offer some insight or perspective for you.... This is a tough one though. I think that you are aware of the need to probably tread likely so that it does not seem that you are over-zealous about seeing her, but also don't send the wrong messages to her such as "not being interested at all." I think that I would focus on what you know about her-- she isn't glued to her phone, which is good, and also suggests that she is independent. She appreciates one on one time with family and friends and focuses on the quality of those interactions. It may also mean that she desires those qualities in someone. You notice how not having communication with her has led you to feel that you want to spend time with her and actually are seeking some sort of interaction, right? So, maybe you could actually take her approach for a while and see what happens? There is an author who wrote a book called “Silent Power.” His name is***** have several of his books here in my home. He talks about when you recognize that you want something badly that you pay a "wanting it tax." I am going to send you a quote about this..... "When you lean psychologically or emotionally toward people, it is a sure sign of insecurity. It makes others feel uncomfortable They resent the way you’re leaning on them and will react by denying you. They don’t like your self-indulgence and your insecurity reminds them of their own vulnerability. It rattles them. Animosity builds. Consciously and subliminally, they sense the weakness your leaning creates, it robs them of energy and crowds them. They have to buy into your needs and emotions when they would prefer to concentrate on their own. They don’t like the imposition and they often react negatively, even if they don’t say so. Alternatively, they accept the imposition of your ways, but then feel they can take advantage of you emotionally, sexually or financially. They will feel empowered to use you, or deprecate you, or discredit you, in some way. Remember, when your energy touches others, they subliminally know if you are weak or strong. It effects how they see you. Thus an important first step in silent power is don’t lean. It’s obvious but most don’t know it. When you are frantic for people, your needs have an air of desperation. They weaken you and push things away from you. Have you ever had a romantic relationship where the other person was all over you like a hot rash, desperate for you? What did you do? Probably for the first few days you enjoyed the attention but on day 3 you gave this person a hard time and you started to toe them around by the nose. You enjoyed that for a bit but eventually their insecurity or desperation bugged you and soon you tossed this person out. When you are in love and crave someone, and this individual keeps his or her distance or retreats from you, then your desire increases. If this person advances to far forward then your desire lessens, or may dissipate completely. When you’re desperate for a deal and lean into it, you push it away or you wind up paying more. It’s called wanting it tax. Before every deal take a moment in the hallway and remind yourself you don’t need it. If you don’t get it, it doesn’t bother you. If you do get it, it will be under your terms and you won’t pay too much’." That sounds counter-intuitive, but what it offers is contrast. She knows you desire time with her, but if you don't communicate with her for a bit, she may want to know what is going on in your life, and reach out to you? What would you think about that approach? That sort of puts the ball back in your court, more than you realize.....

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Counselor: CounselorJules, Counselor replied 4 months ago
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