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Can you help with my cancer ex? My ex broke up with me 1…

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Can you help with my cancer ex?

Expert's Assistant: The Psychologist will know what to do. Please tell me everything you can so the Psychologist can help you best.

My ex broke up with me 1 month and 2 weeks ago. It was out of the blue after almost 3 years. I was being difficult these past months because I wanted more from the relationship. He broke up after what I call a trivial argument. I tried to fix things but he said he cannot change how he feels and that we have fundamental problems. I refused to talk and I sent an email explaining how I feel (I was hurt and that he nurtured our love to then break up). we spoke 3 weeks after where I called him just to have news. I am seeing him in 2 weeks where he has to come pick up his stuff. I am thinking to politisé to him and telling him I love him and want him back. Is it the right approach?

Expert's Assistant: Is there anything else important you think the Psychologist should know?

We were serious in the relationship and were talking about getting engaged but nothing concrete. He also bought a bigger house for “us” about 5 months ago. I was getting impatient and instead of talking about it I was just frustrated and angry at him.

Submitted: 7 months ago.Category: Relationship
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Answered in 10 hours by:
1/3/2018
Counselor: Dr Ted Manos, Doctor (MD) replied 7 months ago
Dr Ted Manos
Dr Ted Manos, Doctor (MD)
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 978
Experience: Self employed 40 years experience Ob-Gyn
Verified
Hello, and thank you for choosing Justanswer answer about your concern. I’m Dr Ted Manos M.D., and I can answer your question shortly.
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Counselor: Dr Ted Manos, Doctor (MD) replied 7 months ago
I’ve spent many years counseling patients and their relationships. Life is full of choices and hopefully people consider options and think deeply before acting. Your boy friend decided to end the relationship and what can you do. He’ll be coming over to collect his belongings and that leaves the opportunity to communicate with each other. The key to effective communication is powerful listening. You need to be willing to forgive him for his choice and not resist him. The less you rehash the past, the more likely you can give him the opportunity to consider what he is doing. Relationships are extremely important as it will be the biggest step in ones life where the future will depend on the outcome. He has revealed his thinking particularly about fundamental differences. One thing you can’t fix is him. If you try to fix him, then he’ll feel he’s done something wrong. I have studied communication through many seminars and the more effective I’ve learned to communicate the more powerful my life has been. We all have a perception of our reality and can mistake it for truth. If this is your first relationship to come apart, you have to learn how to handle it. If this is not the first relationship to end up with this stress and pain, then try to see what is common to the situations. I hope my information helps, although if you watch Dr Phil on TV there is so much people don’t know about their lives.
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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
Thank you Dr Ted.
I understand your point about communication and I have thought about my mistakes. I was thinking to tell him what I did wrong and apologise to him. I have tried fixing things and not fixing him because I think we spent 3 wonderful years and I think he loves me. I was difficult these last months because I was under a lot of stress but I want him to see that.
My question is - shall I tell him all that, that I love and that I want him back in my life? Or is this exposing myself too much and taking a lot of risk where I can be left heartbroken again?
Counselor: Dr Ted Manos, Doctor (MD) replied 7 months ago
Your communication to me was well thought out and tells me you are taking responsibility for your life and future. “Exposing myself”, is being vulnerable and in your situation apology is important. Acknowledgement is powerful in getting your love across. Giving him the space to acknowledge you and being someone whose word he can respect. Both of you have a future together and always moving forward is vital. Complete the past and any shortcomings that may have shown up on both your parts. My prayers are for the healing of your relationship with him and a powerful future together.
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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
Hi Dr Ted. I hope all is well.
I have decided to talk to him as discussed but I am hesitant as I am worried that this is going to be useless. He took his decision and he was very clear that we are not going to recover from the argument we had (which was trivial. The argument is about him not giving me attention that afternoon. I was needy and I started crying. This happened quite often these past months and it was me over exaggerating and being over emotional. I was very emotional because I wanted more from the relation, i.e., getting engaged and nothing was happening). I could not talk to him about me wanting to be engaged because I didn’t want to pressure him/sound miserable. I ended up ruining a beautiful relationship because of my behaviors and what I call tantrums. Again it was a serious relationship and i think he loved me (he was very attentionate, buying flowers, sending me love letters/texts all the time, etc...). The break up was out of the blue as I said, I tried to get him back for one week but he was strong in his position and He didn’t want to change his mind (saying I am an incredible person but that he cannot change the way he feels and in the long run for both of us this has to happen). He also cried knowing that he never does that. He also never explained what the fundamental problems were (he only said that it has been more than a year that he wasn’t happy and that we have too different characters). But I am guessing it is because of my tantrums.he never gave me a chance to explain myself or to try to fix things and be a better person.
I love him and He is the one for me. I am so convinced of that. This is very hard for me because I have so many regrets. I am not sure anymore if I should say that to him to only be rejected yet again, because this will crush me. What do you think?
Thank you.
Zineb
Counselor: Dr Ted Manos, Doctor (MD) replied 7 months ago
You need questions answered by him about his comments to you for some peace of mind. He owes that to you before he exits from your lives. You can ask him, because it will help you in future relationships. You can tell him this stuff and don’t fear being vulnerable.
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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
Thanks.
We have just spoken briefly via texts and agreed to meet on Sunday.
Anything in particular you think needs to me talked about?
Thanks
Zineb
Counselor: Dr Ted Manos, Doctor (MD) replied 7 months ago
I suggest you listen freely without adding to what he is saying. Don’t resist his comments or get defensive. Be with what he says, and keep the conversation open to what’s possible in the future.
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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
Hi Ted
I hope all is well.
We met yesterday as I mentioned before. It was a very bizarre meeting and I would like to get your views as a specialist to understand more.
The beginning was a general catch up, and we talked like we just saw each other the night before. He then talked about how difficult it is for him to be away from me and how much he misses me, cannot concentrate at work, etc.. I then talked about my mistakes and I apologised for how I behaved and for making him unhappy. I also said and talked about things I did to change. He listened and appreciated my apologies. He then told me that he misses me but think of this break up as a mutual decision (it was not and mentioned it to him). He also said that he does not believe in "on and off" relationships and that he does not believe in us, in getting married and having children together. We both want that, but he thinks that us as a couple will not work in the long run
I tried to talk him through all the reasons why we have to give each other another chance (i.e., we spent 3 years together, we built something, we love each other and care for each other and that nothing that happened is "unsurmountable"). He said at the beginning that he needed time but that seeing me was very difficult and that it "messes up" with his head. The problem in his opinion is that we have different personalities and that he wasn't happy with me (I find this last point a bit difficult to believe as we were extremely close, have a complicity that is still obviously there and can talk about anything to each other. he also contradicting himself saying that he finds it very difficult to forget all the amazing time and memories we have with each other and that he cannot remember a single bad time between us). he also cried multiple times talking about that - I have never seen him cry during our 3 years, a part from the day of the break and in our meeting yesterday.
We left each other hugging and we kissed, saying that we love each other and that he needed time but that we will try to keep seeing each other every now and then. He called me after when I went back home to say sorry for how emotional he was, that he knew that seeing me was going to be very difficult and that it was a very bad idea. He also said that it was good to see me but that he does not want us to see or write to each other anymore because it is too difficult for him and that he wanted to move on and focus on forgetting. I reiterated that I loved him and that I knew what I wanted (i.e., him), that I will give him time and that I will never not forget about him. He mentioned his belongings that I still have not given to him and he said that when I can send it in a cab - to then saying that I just needed to let me know when I and ready and that he will come pick it up quickly for my place.
I need help as I am very confused. I am not sure if he needs time or if we are done and that I need to work towards moving on. It has been almost 2 months now and I was very surprised to see him in this situation (i.e., crying and still finding the whole situation painful) as he was the one taking the decision to break things off and seem to be sure about his decision.
Looking forward to hear your views.
Thanks
Counselor: Dr Ted Manos, Doctor (MD) replied 7 months ago
You don’t need him in your life. He doesn’t have faith in the relationship you had. He and his mind are his worst enemy. There is baggage from his past that doesn’t allow him to truly relate to others including you. You need to choose your life without the incomplete person he is. He says he “loves” you but he doesn’t trust you for his future. He is a sad case but there are better men you can find. The experience will give you better discernment for future relationships.
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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
Thank you for your swift reply.
I fully understand what you said and I hope in the long run I can get to the same conclusion. For the time being I just find it extremely difficult as I have never seen a bad thing from him in 3 years, he is very loving, caring and reliable. I am worried that he is going through a breakdown.
I hope I am not going to come out "broken" from this as I loved him, love him and I didn't see this coming at all.
Thanks
Zineb
Counselor: Dr Ted Manos, Doctor (MD) replied 7 months ago
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