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I am a mother with a close but at times rocky relationship…

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I am a mother...

I am a mother with a close but at times rocky relationship with my 28 year old daughter, who is a single, fourth grade teacher. She often feels I try to be overly controlling of her in a variety of ways, and get too much in her space. Through simply googling the name of her boyfriend of 4 months, I found a recent arrest record for him related to theft that I do not believe she is aware of. He had told her that he got into some minor trouble with the law when he was a teenager (he is now 32), but that seems to be all he has acknowledged. She is highly sensitive to people being untruthful with her. She told me that she "caught him lying" to her once, and that she made it very clear to him she would not tolerate it again. I am afraid if I tell her about what I found out she will a) get mad at me for being invasive and/or b) blow up at him and create havoc in her life. I am afraid if I don't tell her she will a) eventually find out and get angry at me for not telling her and/or b) get damaged by this guy in some way because he is engaged in nefarious activities. She has a history of being a poor judge of character when it comes to boyfriends.

Expert's Assistant: The Psychologist will know what to do. Is there anything else important you think the Psychologist should know?

She has a terrible temper at times. Also she tolerated controlling, psychologically abusive behavior from her last boyfriend, who she was with for over two years. My husband and I were aware of this but felt there was nothing we could do because she refused to acknowledge it.

Submitted: 8 months ago.Category: Relationship
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Answered in 13 hours by:
12/29/2017
Counselor: TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC replied 8 months ago
TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,944
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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You are in a bind for sure because in the past she has felt you have controlled her and now you have this information that you believe is important for you to address with her. Yes I agree that she will be upset for you "investigating" him and may not even like the information you are giving her. so yes, it is a judgment call based on what you feel the right thing for you and tour relationship is. It is hard to let children grow up and make decisions and be in relationships that you deem aren't appropriate for her and sometimes we need to take a step back. If she is being harmed then that is more of a pressing issue....so take some time to think what will help your relationship the most and what will help her the most as well.

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Counselor: TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC replied 8 months ago

I await your thoughts.

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Customer reply replied 8 months ago
At this point I am leaning towards not mentioning it. I am feeling that if she wants to know about him, she can find it as easily as I did. I remain concerned, though, and feel somewhat angry at her for not being more careful with who she gets involved with. Her last boyfriend, in addition to being psychologically abusive to her, took advantage of her financially and my husband and I had to bail her out to the tune of thousands of dollars. In an effort to help stabilize her life, we then gave her some money for a down payment on a very modest house (as we did with her brother). Then I see about this theft issue with this new boyfriend, not to mention that he flat out told her he does file taxes, does not have health insurance, has a tenuous job, spends most of his free time skateboarding, and never finished college, but somehow manages to drive a BMW sports car. She is thinking about moving to be closer to him (currently they live about 30 miles apart). I fear she will sell the house, and take the profits to help support him. In the meantime, we still are helping her financially with car repairs, medical bills, and some other things that we feel we cannot let go unaddressed.
Counselor: TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC replied 8 months ago
It is excruciating for you. And I think the best thing to do is sit back and monitor it for a bit so that things don't get out of hand like the last relationship that you mentioned and if you feel at any point advantage is being taken of her then quickly step in. The last thing we want to do is have her move away from you emotionally and not rely on you when she needs to.
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Counselor: TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC replied 8 months ago
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