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My partner of 6 years broke up with me two months ago. She…

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My partner of 6...

My partner of 6 years broke up with me two months ago. She did the i love you but i am not in love with you line on me. We are a same sex couple. I left the house and never came back. Two weeks after the break up she kissed a guy one night when she was really drunk. Told me about it and then started dating him. She says she really isn’t looking for anything right now. She asked me to come home so we could sort out our affairs and friendship as she considers me her best friend (we were best mates before we got together). I came home and she admitted that she has been struggling to cope each day since the break up. She says she hates her life and herself but she is too chicken to end it all. She has been calling me my pet names and has touched me on the inner thigh and rubbed my shoulder including rubbed my sore foot. She allowed me to rub her feet and twice she has gotten undressed in front of me without worrying about me seeing her breasts. We are sleeping in seperate rooms but she is happy to spend the day doing things with me but will then snap and talk about separating our assets and be secretly texting someone. I am confused! I am not initiating any communications with her - she does it and she was visibly upset when I told her I can’t be friends.

Expert's Assistant: The Psychologist will know what to do. Is there anything else important you think the Psychologist should know?

I don’t know what to do anymore but feel I am fighting a lost cause.

Submitted: 7 months ago.Category: Relationship
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Answered in 5 hours by:
11/28/2017
Counselor: DrJackiePhD, Doctor replied 7 months ago
DrJackiePhD
DrJackiePhD, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 424
Experience: I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.
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Hi, I'm Dr. Jackie, a relationship professor and counselor. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I do understand you said you are confused. I'd like to ask a question to help me understand better and be better able to help you. Are you confused about the mixed signals you seem to be receiving?

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Counselor: DrJackiePhD, Doctor replied 7 months ago

The reason that I ask is because it may be that you are hanging onto hope that there will be something again. And the last thing I want to do is burst a bubble or cause more pain. I just want to caution you to be careful. I have been counseling for over 10 years. I rarely ever see someone say that they are "not in love" with their partner but then fall back in love or make it work as a romantic relationship. And it sounds like your feelings are still the same. This is not fair to you. And it won't aid the healing process. Please try to distance yourself. I'm not saying you can never be friends. A friendship if possible would be a good outcome...but only when you are ready. You need to take care of yourself, realize you are worth having someone to love you and much as you love her back, and you owe it to yourself to be good to yourself!

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Counselor: DrJackiePhD, Doctor replied 7 months ago

I will be on later today and this evening after 6:30 EST. I can chat with you then if that is a good time. I'm not sure how many hours we are apart. But I'll try to be available from 6:30 until 11:30 p.m., my time. Please take care of yourself!

--Dr. Jackie

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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
My ex is a habitual liar as well so I usualy have to go by her actions rather than words. Are they mixed signals though?
Customer reply replied 7 months ago
She also is going on a cruise by herself over Christmas and hinted at me going with her. Its unusual that the new person in her life is not going with her.
Customer reply replied 7 months ago
She also texts me constantly. This morning I got one saying good morning and how I was going. Just before the breakup she would tell me how much she loved me and missed me and got upset with me one day in the car because I would not hold her hand so I sometimes wonder if the "I love you" line was just that...a way to push me away. She suffers from low self esteem and hates herself. I have made it clear so many times that I don't want to be friends...why is she not listening?
Counselor: DrJackiePhD, Doctor replied 7 months ago

Hello there,

I am sorry it has taken a few days to get back on. We had a family emergency and I was focused on that. I am back and hopefully can help.

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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
She wants to sit down and have a conversation over dinner tonight. I have been home for the last 11 days - first time since we broke up at the end of September. When I got upset one night with her (she asked me why I came back) I told her that I was just over everything and just wanted to just move on with my life. She kind of got upset and asked me "What happened to us" I did not reply until the next day via text which I said "We were in a rut and you walked" her reply was "how many times do we have to be in a rut/unhappy to realise that maybe we aren't meant to be. We were meant to just stay best friends forever" my reply was "no relationship is perfect and there are going to be ups and downs during the course of it. Its getting through those moments together that strengthens the bond between two people". Her reply "but in our case it hasn't strengthened the bond. We just continue to exist in a relationship that is more a friendship than anything else!". I am getting really tired of this girl. What do her statements mean? She was expecting me to forgive and forget and jump into her arms?
Counselor: DrJackiePhD, Doctor replied 7 months ago

To answer your reply questions, yes, she is DEFINITELY sending you mixed signals. Now, she is AWARE that she is doing this? It could be that she is not intentionally doing it. However, she likely is aware on some level but maybe not super aware. It's easy to self-deceive when it comes to matters of the heart when we try to be strong and try not to hurt others, etc. However, it still is not fair to you regardless of her motives. Given that you said she lies continually, you may never get a straight answer from her regarding her intentions. But the bot***** *****ne is that mixed signals are not healthy on the part of the receiver. It is too easy to start re-thinking your decision and then you open yourself up all over again. Think of this analogy--it's like getting a scraped elbow or knee. After cleaning it out and waiting for a few days, it usually gets a scab on it and is on its way to healing. However, if you scratch it and tease it and rip off the scab, then the wound can be more painful than before and will take even longer to heal.

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Counselor: DrJackiePhD, Doctor replied 7 months ago

When you say you were at home, do you mean the home you shared with her?

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Counselor: DrJackiePhD, Doctor replied 7 months ago

If this is the case, you are not going to be able to at least for the moment, end the friendship. Like you said, she has low self-esteem. She knows you love her and that helps her self-esteem. Controlling you (you have "come running" when she has wanted you to) also boosts her self-esteem. So she is manipulating you in order to increase her self-worth. You don't have to participate in this. Please do not let guilt or any other unhealthy factors dictate your choices here. You need to protect YOU. She should not rely on you to boost her self-esteem, and this is NOT your responsibility.

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Counselor: DrJackiePhD, Doctor replied 7 months ago

By all means, please do not have dinner with her this evening. I think you are only continuing to pick at that scab. The more you pick, the longer it takes to heal. And it has started to heal several times. But it will never heal fully unless you just leave it alone. I hope that makes sense.

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Counselor: DrJackiePhD, Doctor replied 7 months ago

I am hoping what I have said makes sense. What do you think?

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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
It is the home we share. My other alternative was to fly back to my home state on the other side of the country. I needed to come back here to get documents for my lawyer. I slept in a spare room. I think dinner was to pin me down to discuss how we sort our affairs? If she wanted to be with me surely she would have said something? I think the other person in her life is more attractive to her than me at the moment. I was going to ask her just to email what she wants to say as I have to go back to work tomorrow and don't want a sleepless night.
Counselor: DrJackiePhD, Doctor replied 7 months ago

OK. Thank you for clarifying that. Yes, I think your plan to ask her to email you is smart. I think you seem to know the answers to the questions you have asked about mixed signals and what you need to do. You are smart and know you need to protect yourself. And it seems like BECAUSE of her manipulation, you have grown less attracted to her, which is a super sign that you are healing and dealing with things remarkably well.

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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
I wish we were not going through this. We were so good together...she got stressed at her job and them BAM did this to me. She did the exact same thing many years ago to me and ended up cheating on me. She spent the next 4 years of her life regretting it.
Customer reply replied 7 months ago
It does not sound good that she wants to "talk" does it?
Counselor: DrJackiePhD, Doctor replied 7 months ago

It is unbearable to go through a breakup after so much time, especially when it sounds like so much of it was good. However, you seem to be flip-flopping--are you having trouble reconciling what you know in your head is healthy with what your heart is still crying over?

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Counselor: DrJackiePhD, Doctor replied 7 months ago

As far as the "talk," I am a bit confused--I thought you had mentioned she probably wanted to talk about sorting out your affairs and such? Again, do you think maybe your head knows what is right for you--to walk away and not even be friends, at least not for now? But your heart keeps second guessing because it still is looking for that "one in a million" sign or chance to see if you can make it in a relationship again even though your head knows the answer?

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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
My heart says it can be fixed. My head says she does not want to even try!
Counselor: DrJackiePhD, Doctor replied 7 months ago

Either way, you need some distance to preserve your emotional and mental health. That is not admitting your are weak or anything--it is a sign of strength to walk away. That is my recommendation--at least for now. You know right now she is manipulative and lies and has been giving off mixed signals. You need a break for your own health. If you don't, things will not get better on their own. Things will only get worse. OK--research shows that without any type of intervention (like a life altering experience such as a devastating accident, loss of a loved on, or therapy/counseling), some intervention, without that, things will ONLY spiral downward negatively 99% of the time. Things just simply CANNOT improve without therapy or counseling (or someone having an epiphany because of a near fatal experience).

So in order to be healthy for her or for anyone else in the future, you NEED to be healthy. And that means backing away for now.

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Counselor: DrJackiePhD, Doctor replied 7 months ago

This is just my opinion based on 2 decades of research and then anecdotally dealing with my own clients. Of course you can do whatever you want that you think will make you happy. I just caution you because if she does not get therapy/counseling, her lying and manipulation are not going to just stop one day. That does not happen. And then I fear you will be in the same boat that you are in right now except with MORE hurt because the scab keeps getting ripped off before the wound fully heals.

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Counselor: DrJackiePhD, Doctor replied 7 months ago

I am hoping this helps. If it is, can you please rate me? If it has not, perhaps I can continue explaining in a different way or chatting with you longer. After you let me know if I am helping, of course we can chat more if you want! :)

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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
That is what I tried to do. I tried to cut all contact with her. I left home for 6 weeks. She chased after me with text messages etc... I do need to get our financial affairs sorted though. I don't know what happened to this girl. She changed over night on me.
Counselor: DrJackiePhD, Doctor replied 7 months ago

Did she really change overnight or just reveal what she may have been really good at hiding? I'm just asking so that you can think about it.

Just because she is chasing you, in order to be healthy, you will have to ignore or block her. It does not have to be forever. But right now she controls you. And she knows it. And that right there is not healthy. And even if she were in love with you again, you still would not have a good relationship. When one person controls another, the relationship CANNOT BE HEALTHY!

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Customer reply replied 7 months ago
Sorry. I am having trouble clicking on the stars to rate you
Counselor: DrJackiePhD, Doctor replied 7 months ago

Do you want me to get a moderator to help? The moderators on this site are incredibly helpful and can walk you through anything! I know because I've had technical issues before. :)

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