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I don't know! I realize now my ex girlfriend is dismissive…

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I don't know! Expert's...

I don't know!

Expert's Assistant: The Psychologist will know what to do. Please tell me everything you can so the Psychologist can help you best.

Ok thank you. I realize now my ex girlfriend is dismissive avoidant. I've also just found out the truth about what triggered this. My oldest, closest friend talked to her behind my back. This friend moved away from London and wants her friends to live near her. I think this was her motive. She suggested that we move in together and move to her town. Until then it had been fantastic, and not a hint of any problems. Inclredibly warm, caring , affectionate, etc. From that moment she distanced me, seemed to find fault with everything I did, and a month later finished the relationship. I've missed out in that I had a serious operation shortly afterwards, and when she tried to talk to me I was unable to engage due to a huge amount of medication. I now see the picture but probably too late, as the break up was three and a half months ago. When she tried to talk to me was two and a half months ago. I've not seen her for 2 months. We exchange some messages - she seems warm, affectionate and caring , from a safe distance, but doesn't want to see me. It seems the feelings are still there. shouudl I just give up and move on?

Expert's Assistant: Is there anything else the Psychologist should be aware of?

We've never had a cross word. In the descriptions of dismissive avoidant it's uncanny how they describe her behaviour - even down to the words she used. She didn't seem to understand why she'd finished it, saying she felt overwhelmed and needed space. I'm finding it difficult to move on because it somehow just doesn't feel like it's over.

Submitted: 4 months ago.Category: Relationship
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Answered in 5 hours by:
11/28/2017
Counselor: DrJackiePhD, Doctor replied 4 months ago
DrJackiePhD
DrJackiePhD, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 383
Experience: I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.
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Hi, I'm Dr. Jackie, a relationship expert and counselor. I'm so sorry you are going through so much on top of recovering from surgery! You certainly have had a lot to deal with in the recent past! I do want to try to help, but I'm a bit confused about who moved where and for what length of time. If you can get on chat here later, it would be probably better to chat in real time. I'll try to be on from 6:30 p.m. through at least 11:30 p.m. my time (EDT). If I don't hear from you by tomorrow, I will try to respond. But it's always easier to chat in real time so that I can ask questions in order to better understand and ultimately try to help.

Take good care until then,

Dr. Jackie

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Customer reply replied 4 months ago
Ok thank you. I don't know where you are so I don't know 'your time' - I'm in London, it's 3.45 pm here - what time is it there?
Customer reply replied 4 months ago
The box for the phone number doesn't accept my UK number
Customer reply replied 4 months ago
By the way I can chat now if you are free?
Customer reply replied 4 months ago
Sorry - just foud EDT - I'll look for you around 6.30 your time. Best wishes,
Adam
Customer reply replied 4 months ago
Dr Jackie thanks for getting back to me. I'm sorry but I'm too tired to stay up another hour - could we chat tomorrow? Thanks and best wishes, Adam
Counselor: DrJackiePhD, Doctor replied 4 months ago

Hello there,

I saw this and was unable to get back on the next day. Are you available now? I'll wait. If not, then I'll try to write a bit more. :)

Dr. Jackie

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Customer reply replied 4 months ago
Hello, thank you for getting back to me. I’ve just got home and need to go to bed! Are you available tomorrow?
Counselor: DrJackiePhD, Doctor replied 4 months ago

I am very early in the morning (around 3 or 4 a.m.--I don't know what time that is for you). I have some time around lunch like at noon/12:30 p.m. EDT and then again after 5:00 p.m. EDT. :)

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Customer reply replied 4 months ago
Ok great. The 12.30 or 5 - I’ll message you to see if you’re free.
Best wishes, Adam
Counselor: DrJackiePhD, Doctor replied 4 months ago

:) Sounds great!

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Customer reply replied 4 months ago
Hello Dr Jackie, are you about?
Customer reply replied 4 months ago
Hello again, this time difference is annoying ..... it's getting late and I'm going to bed. I hope this is ok - I've written in more detail what has happened - I'm sorry it's long - I don't know how else to do this.I'd love to hear what you think. ....I met Ginka last November, and we gradually saw more of each other until we really got together at the beginning of February. It was obvious from the amount of time until we got together that she was very careful and slow to let anybody in.
The relationship was going absolutely fantastically, and I’m sure it wasn’t one sided. I was open with her about my feelings and she said this helped her to open up.
We went on holiday together to Cuba in April and both had a lovely time. We seemed to be getting closer and closer, and it was a lovely, warm, affectionate relationship. We were spending every weekend together, and seeing each other 2 or 3 times during the week.
In early July I had arranged to meet my oldest and closest friend, Jo, on the Monday evening. She had met Ginka and they got on well so I invited Ginka.
Jo works in senior management and has a reputation for being a bit bossy and controlling, and often feels entitled to involve herself in other people’s lives.
Jo lived in London, but a few years ago moved to Brighton. She has said many times that she’d like me to move there. (We were together as teenagers, but now in our 50’s, we just have a very longstanding friendship.)
If I am correct about what happened, I suspect her motive was about me moving to Brighton.
That evening, I met Jo, and just before Ginka arrived, she asked me what Ginka does for a living. I told her it was finance, and Jo said ‘oh ok, well if the two of you moved to Brighton the only big corporation she could work would be American Express’. I was clearly horrified, and said very clearly that we were nowhere near that stage.
Ginka and I had just had a lovely weekend away together, and there wasn’t a hint of a problem. She arrived that Monday evening a few minutes after Jo’s question, and as usual was warm and affectionate with me, and was laughing and joking.
I got a phone call – 2 of my friends were about 20 feet away at another table in the pub garden. I went to say hello, was gone no more than 5 minutes, and when I returned, for one thing I’m sure I heard the word ‘Amex’, and secondly, Ginka had completely changed – she wouldn’t look me in the eye, she pulled away when I went to touch her, and was just cold. I had not seen any hint of this behaviour before that moment.
She left shortly afterwards and I immediately asked Jo what had happened. She said she had no idea.
From then on, she was cold, seemed to find fault with everything I did or said, she distanced me, and a month later finished the relationship.
A few days after that evening, Jo went away for 3 weeks, and was out of contact. When she came back I asked her again what she’d said – I told her how things had been since that evening and that it was obvious Ginka was very close to finishing it, and she absolutely promised me she had no idea what could have caused this.
I believed her, and I think that as a result of not knowing what I was dealing with, missed several opportunities to put things right.
We were still seeing each other after she’d finished it, and it really seemed like she was in two minds, though if i said anything about still being together she immediately got cold and distant.
In mid August, the night before my ankle operation, just as we were about to leave a pub, she started talking in a way I found really odd. It was as if she was trying to convince herself that there’d not really been anything between us.
A couple of weeks before the evening it all went wrong, she’d said she was falling in love with me. I’ve been lucky enough to have had lots of girlfriends, and I’m sure she was in love with me. In that odd conversation she tried to qualify her comment about falling in love, saying she hadn’t really said that...
The following day I had my ankle operation – ligament reconstruction – and was then on over 150 tablets per week, so obviously not in any state to think clearly.
She was very kind to me immediately afterwards, then I didn’t see her for a couple of weeks. She then just arrived at the door with bags of food for me, and we sat and talked for a while. She then said a couple of things – ‘ I must have had a reason’, and ‘ we couldn’t go on like that so I had to do something’. Unfortunately I then made a stupid joke, at which point tears came to her eyes, and she wouldn’t say any more.
She then messaged later saying that she had felt a bit overwhelmed and needed some space.
She came over again a couple of weeks later, and I’ve not seen her since, ie a couple of months ago.
Each of those last times I saw her she still seemed to be in two minds – when she said hello and byegood she gave me a very strong, and long hug, and seemed like she couldn’t decide whether to kiss me on the lips or the cheek.
Customer reply replied 4 months ago
We still message each other every couple of weeks or so. The warmth in her messages doesn’t seem to match the distance she is keeping. She is warm and caring, except when I suggested we meet, which prompted a much more formal, cold reply saying we would both benefit from time and distance.
I’d worked out it had to be some sort of attachment issue at play, and a couple of weeks ago started reading on the internet, and it is uncanny how accurately the dismissive avoidant articles describe what happened between us.
The tone of her messages suggest warmth and care, which makes sense with what I’ve read about pushing lovers away to a safe distance. It’s odd too, it just doesn’t feel like it’s over, though maybe I’m just not accepting it.
It was her birthday a month ago. I was feeling so depressed, presumably a combination of a long time on crutches, isolated at home, and about her. I realized I had things I wanted to say to her, but as she didn’t want to see me I had no way of expressing them. I decided to do something creative and cathartic, and made her a jewellery box. (I used to be a carpenter).
I also included a letter, expressing what I’ve just said, saying what a lovely time I had with her, and how disappointed I felt that due to the medication I’d been unable to engage with her when she tried to talk to me, and that having a proper conversation would help closure to happen naturally.
I also described the present as a momento.She has a very busy like, she finished it, and now another 2 months have gone by, so I’ve no idea where she is at now. The only things I know are these – if i hold back in my messages and say very little, she seems to come back and ask questions about how I am etc.
Also, I gave the box to a close friend of hers to pass on to her. Ginka messaged me a couple of weeks ago saying she knew there was a package and still hadn’t picked it up, but thanks anyway. That was nice of her, at least to acknowledge it, and to have some concern for my feelings. 2 weeks later I still don’t know if she has it. It makes me feel that if she had really moved on she wouldn’t need to avoid getting it, particularly as it means avoiding one of her closest friends.When I realized this about her attachment type, it then came back to what had triggered it. I cannot see there is any other conceivable explanation than what initially seemed obvious, ie Jo suggested to her we move in together. This is a horrible situation, as if this is right, it means she ignored my obvious reaction and regardless said it anyway as soon as i left her alone with Ginka, and it also means she has repeatedly lied to me since then, depriving me of the understanding which might have meant i could save the relationship.
Btw Ginka was married, then separated, then tried again, finally finishing that 10 years ago. They have a 30 year old daughter.
I gather her last boyfriend turned out to be a complete liar, and was very aggressive, practically stalking her, when she finished it.
I suppose what I want your opinion is whether you think there is any hope with Ginka, and whether you agree with what I’ve surmised about Jo.
I just get the feeling with Ginka that there is more to it than what it seems to be on the surface. Probably she’s gone, and that’s it. I just feel she has strong feelings which she hasn’t processed, and wonder if people who behave like this are liable to come back.
Jo has again completely denied it, and says how hurt she is that I’d accuse her of lying.. I’m very upset at the prospect of spoiling a 40 year old friendship.
Thank you!
Customer reply replied 4 months ago
Ps - could I ask one more thing - how concerned should I be about the amount of time that is passing?
Thank you Dr Jackie, best wishes, Adam
Customer reply replied 4 months ago
Hello Dr Jackie, I received an email this morning saying you had replied, but nothing has come through...
Customer reply replied 4 months ago
Dr Jackie could you just tell me if you would prefer not to deal with this? Thank you
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