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I have two children, both girls, 18 and 20. They are both in…

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I have two children...

I have two children, both girls, 18 and 20. They are both in college, doing well, etc. My youngest daughter started to gravitate towards her father when she turned around 13. I thought it was a phase - i.e. hate mom phase, but she has not just outgrown it but become even more focused on her dad. She has basically told me that she does not need me in her life - she is fine just having her dad. I have tried multiple time to discuss with her the what/why/where did it go wrong between us. She refuses to talk about it. She has no interest in making our relationship better and will not seek counseling with me. She is impolite, dismissive, and irritated constantly by me. My older daughter has told my younger, you are so rude and impolite. My husband thinks i am the parent and therefore i am the one who should be fixing it. I don't know how. I truly don't. I question if is

Expert's Assistant: The Psychologist will know what to do. Is there anything else important you think the Psychologist should know?

I feel like I am in an emotionally abusive relationship. If she was not my child, I would have written her off long ago. what tactics are there.

Submitted: 4 months ago.Category: Relationship
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Answered in 6 hours by:
11/26/2017
Counselor: TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC replied 4 months ago
TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,784
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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It is not uncommon for a child to feel closer to one parent more than the other, but that does not mean that you need to be her doormat or accept her being rude and dismissive. I applaud your efforts to build the connection and even offer counseling but at this time she seems content to leave things as they are. So what does that mean for you? It leaves you wanting more but unable to achieve it. And as you said, you would write her off if she wasn't your child. So, I think the best thing you can do for now is to let her be and let her come to things on her own. But, I would also not accept her being rude, dismissive, etc. So I would let her know that you desire to build a connection with her and will do what you can on your end to achieve that but will not tolerate or accept her behavior when it is rude, impolite, etc. And when she becomes that I would simply not engage with any of it. She might settle down when there is no longer any engagement. Similar to a toddler having a tantrum...simply walk away, literally and figuratively and not engage when things feel abusive. Hopefully in time as she continues to mature, she will recognize that value in a mother daughter relationship and desire to connect. While it may never be all that you long for, we can hope that it moves past this type of behavior and more into a comfortable space of getting along and feeling at peace with things.

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Counselor: TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC replied 4 months ago
I await your thoughts.
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Counselor: TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC replied 4 months ago

Let me know how else I can support you. If all good for now, please take a moment to click the rating faces to rate my support. You are not charged again for doing so but without it, I do not receive credit for my support. Thanks for understanding.

Jen

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Counselor: TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC replied 4 months ago
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