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I would like to see if my ex boyfriend still loves me. I

know that we still care...
I would like to see if my ex boyfriend still loves me. I know that we still care for each other, but he says that he wants to be friends and that too much trust has been damaged in the relationship long term
JA: The Psychologist will know what to do. Is there anything else the Psychologist should be aware of?
Customer: I suffer from depression and have lashed out at my ex when we were together
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Answered in 5 hours by:
11/23/2017
John-Michaels
John-Michaels, Counselor (LPC)
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 791
Experience: 25+ years helping resolve relational issues.
Verified
Can you tell me what led him to say that your trust has been damaged?
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Customer reply replied 23 days ago
On holiday the beginning of October we had a couple of arguments and I regrettably did get physical and shoved him a few times. When we got back I could tell that things were tense between us... then after that I did become rather depressed and hated myself for what I did. At one point the end of October I got hysterical because he said he couldn’t do it anymore.In regards ***** ***** helping me when I feel low I do find it hard to communicate and say how I’m feeling.... and if he said something I didn’t like then I would get angry and throw things across the room. I understand that these actions are not acceptable, I do lash out and say hurtful things, I don’t want to blame it all on depression, but when I’m in that moment I become totally irrational and I become a different person, once I have calmed down I feel worse because of my actions.I would like to try relaxation and communication techniques to calm me down when I get angry. Although I worry that it’s to late to try this with my ex because I’ve pushed him away and damaged his trust too much.When we were together my boyfriend suggested I do CBT, as he went through it prior about 5years ago. I am on the waiting list for an appointment, I have also seen my GP and was prescribed a low form of anti depressants (I have been taking them for about 3-4weeks now).Of course I would like to slowly build the trust again with him, not just for myself but to show him that I’m serious about changing and mean what I say, I’m worried he has heard “sorry” too many times, and I would like to show him how much he really means to me. I am on day 2 of no contact, I did message him a few times before I started no contact asking to talk, but I now know that I should respect his wishes and leave him for a while and give him the space that he deserves (which I never did in the past). I would like him to know that I am here to talk when he’s ready, I’m just confused as he said on Sunday that he thinks too much trust has been damaged and he would like to stay friends... I’m not sure if he said that because he was still angry or if he really meant it....I would like to hopefully speak to him once things have calmed down, I don’t want to force him or manipulate him into feeling bad so he will want to start again, I would like to take baby steps and see if we can rebuild the trust and move forward from this difficult time.I know that we still care for each other and I would like to show him that I can move forward and rebuild the trust, if he’s willing to do so
It sounds like you are heading the right direction. Waiting a couple weeks before you contact him seems like a good idea. I would have a definite step by step plan that I have already begun that could lay out for him. Counseling is a good idea. I am sorry you have been put on a waiting list. I would probably try to find another therapist. I am going to give you a couple three techniques that might help.
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This is a technique to use in the moment:ANGER•Retreat - don’t necessarily leave the room but take a mental break.•Rethink - we often get angry because of faulty thinking. You likely did when you discovered your wife had been drinking alone with your in law. Take this short time to correct that faulty thinking.•Respond, do not React - When we react, we do what we feel like in the moment. When we respond we think in through before we act
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Customer reply replied 23 days ago
Do you think it would be worth reaching out in a couple of weeks? I am scared he has heard all of this before and also he may be angry if I chose to use the no contact rule for a couple of weeks
Another thought is you might need to clean you reservoir. I tell my clients we all have a reservoir in which we store all our negative emotions. In here, we store all our negative emotions that we have no processed. This includes anger, sadness, and fear. Over time, if we do not process and release some of these negative emotions, our reservoir becomes full and we run out of room for new negative emotions. This cause anger outbursts, uncobtrolled sadness, and anxiety attacks, because of they have to be acted on, because there is no room to store them. We need to process our old negative emotions to make room for the new.
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You know how long better than me. Use your best judgment on how long. You need to be careful not to contact him too soon and be pushy nor wait too long and him misread you as not interested. Does that make sense?
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Another technique to try is a breathing exercise. In a nutshell , you breath in slowly for about 5 secs, hold it it for the same, then out for five seconds. Do this while sitting up straight with hands in lap. Repeat this a few times.
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Customer reply replied 23 days ago
It does make sense, I would like to give him time and space (which I never gave before.)he really deserves that
Makes sense to me. Also, make sure he sees progress when you contact him.
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If I have been a help, would you do me a favor? Would you give me a five star rating so I can get paid?
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Customer reply replied 23 days ago
Do you know how I would show him progress if the no contact rule is in pace?
Well one, by honoring the contact rule, you show some progress. Two, try the techniques I mentioned between now and then. You will probably have reason. If not, just memorize them and tell him. He will see the difference I think. Oh yeah, don’t sit around and wait on a therapist to find time for you. Find someone that can get you in between now and then.
John-Michaels
John-Michaels, Counselor (LPC)
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 791
Experience: 25+ years helping resolve relational issues.
Verified
John-Michaels and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
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Customer reply replied 23 days ago
How would I bring across the points without emotionally targeting him? I would like to show that I am serious about changing and building up the trust again. He is a very strong minded person
When it comes down to it, all you can do is what you can do. I honestly if you practice these between now and then, he will recognize the change without prompting. Other than that, he is going to have to take your word for that. The only way he is ever going to know for certain is for him to give you a chance.
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Customer reply replied 23 days ago
I’ve alreasy been given 3-4 chances, I’m devastated it may be too lat
Customer reply replied 23 days ago
Too late*
I’m sorry to hear that. We never know until we try though. If you try and fail, you have still learned a lesson. Then, He may be willing to give it another try
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Customer reply replied 20 days ago
I’m really nervous about CBT tomorrow, please help!
Have you been to CBT before?
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Customer reply replied 19 days ago
No never. I'm worried that it won't work for me
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John-Michaels
John-Michaels, Counselor (LPC)
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 791
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Experience: 25+ years helping resolve relational issues.

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