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I got into my first relationship after so many years of

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being single. He was funny...
I got into my first relationship after so many years of being single. He was funny, respectful and an overall very nice attractive guy. Besides all that I thought he was really great too at first because he didn't try to jump into bed with me as fast as any other horn dog would have tried. We're in our mid-late 20s and after a couple of weeks then months he still wasn't trying to get intimate with me besides making out and the few times I tried we were unsuccessful due to him not being able to perform properly. I later found out that he was a virgin (he lied to me about that). After talking to him that it was okay and accepting it and trying to get us to make love it still was just not happening. After so many months no matter how much I thought we loved each other, how comfortable I tried to make him feel he was just not responding to me. Turns out, which I found out on my own, he's been masturbating and watching videos or just using his mind/imagination once to a couple times a day, just pleasuring himself while I was just left to the side yearning for us to get intimate, getting my advances turned down and left hurt and torn. Don't get my wrong I believe that masturbation is a perfectly healthy part of life - but not when you're choosing masturbation over sex. I've told him that the fact he's getting sexual pleasures but not me felt as if he was cheating, that it really is just as bad as a "meaningless" hookup due to the fact that he's getting sexual gratification and I am not at all. Even if it isn't with an actual human being I felt as if I was being cheated on. He doesn't agree with that at all. He believes there's no way that compares to actual cheating. I know if he kicks his addiction we possibly could have a normal sex life (or something close to it) but until then am I crazy or wrong to think that?
Submitted: 4 months ago.Category: Relationship
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Answered in 23 minutes by:
10/18/2017
Counselor: TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC replied 4 months ago
TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,756
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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Comparing it to cheating, while I understand why you would go there, isn't a helpful comparison for you because that is not the real issue. The issue is his inability to have a deep, meaningful connection with another human being which also includes sexual intimacy. As you say and know well, masturbation is normal until it begins to interfere with relationships and ability to be in a mutual and caring relationship and it sounds like this is what is happening. Sure, he could have anxiety over his performance since he has never had sex before, but this sounds a bit more than that. So if you can, leave the comparison out of your conversations and try to focus more on his not being able to connect in this way to you and how his masturbation and need for porn could be an addiction.

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Counselor: John-Michaels, Counselor (LPC) replied 4 months ago
John-Michaels
John-Michaels, Counselor (LPC)
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 876
Experience: 25+ years helping resolve relational issues.
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Hello, my name is John. I am going to agree with you to a degree anyway. Masturbation in and of itself is not cheating as you acknowledged. Doing it once or twice a day is cheating in that it is finding pleaseure aside from you. He is pleasing himself without any regard for your pleasure. He is therefore in essence cheating you of sexual pleasure. That becomes outright cheating when you add in the porn with it. Studies confirm that porn diminishes sexual satisfaction in marriage. In the least, there is no way you can measure up to what the porn stars have to offer, nor should you be expected to. So you difficulties are doubled with the comparison to porn stars then added the sexual gratification of masturbation.
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Counselor: John-Michaels, Counselor (LPC) replied 4 months ago
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