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Attn: Therapist Leslie Leslie. Can you give me your thoughts…

Attn: Therapist LeslieHello Leslie. Can...
Attn: Therapist LeslieHello Leslie. Can you give me your thoughts on how I should respond to Allie since she finally contacted me yesterday? Please see my last comment below.Thank you.
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Answered in 1 hour by:
10/17/2017
Therapist Leslie
Therapist Leslie, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 445
Experience: Owner and Psychotherapist at Self-Employed, Private Practice
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Good evening, Ben.

Thank you for opening up a new question.

Wow...she is accusing you of ignoring her? How strange as it seems she has been ignoring you! Certainly withholding a lot of information to say the least.

If you would like to reply, I would keep it very very formal and somewhat guarded. I might say something like this, "I rec'd your message today. Hope your travels went well. Are you looking to speak or connect in person?"

I would keep it very simple and try to get a better sense of what she is asking prior to any actual meetings or phone conversations.

Please keep me posted on how she responds.

Warm regards,

Leslie

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Customer reply replied 9 months ago
Ok, thank you. I am nervous about reaching out because I won't know what type of mood she will be in.I don't know why she would be reaching out to me since we haven't spoken in 3 weeks and she said never talk to her again and to go away forever.She called me again. I was working and couldn't answer.I also noticed she emailed me tonight. I'm nervous to read it.I think she is getting frustrated that I'm not responding to her.What should I do?Can I email it to you first so you can tell me how bad the email is?

Absolutely, Ben. Please send it my way to***@******.*** and I will take a peak and circle back.

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Customer reply replied 9 months ago
Hello. Actually, I went ahead and looked at the email after I mentioned it to you earlier tonight. It wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. This is what her first email said (she just send me a 2nd email too):Here's her first email:"Hello Benjamin. I tried contacting you but obviously you are ignoring me. Let me know if you want me to leave you alone. I just thought we should talk."This is how I responded:"Hello Allie. I got your messages. I hope you had a safe trip. What would you like to talk about? Would you like to meet somewhere?"This is her 2nd email that I just received:"Yes, but unless you don't want to. Why didn't you answer?"What should I say to her for her 2nd email?

Thanks, Ben. Ok, this is crazy making as you have been trying to speak with her about all of this for months only to be told to never speak to her again and now she is reaching out accusing you of ignoring her?? My gosh, this is absolute gas lighting behavior.

I would simply say, "I was simply honoring your request to not speak with you. If you would like to speak, I am open to it."

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Customer reply replied 9 months ago
Ok, I sent her what you said. Thank you.I'll let you know what she says.I wonder why she was mad that I didn't answer her calls?

I wonder too as this is beyond strange especially since she asked you not to contact her. Oyyy

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Customer reply replied 9 months ago
Hello. I got an email back from Allie with her thoughts about things.I'm going to forward it to you if you can read it and let me know your thoughts.Thanks.

Absolutely and of course, Ben. Please forward it to: ***@******.***

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Customer reply replied 9 months ago
Hello. I just forwarded you her email.Thank you.
Customer reply replied 9 months ago
Please let me know if you didn't get my forwarded e-mail that Allie sent me.Thank you.
Customer reply replied 9 months ago
Oh, I forgot to mention that it would help me if you would consider responding to the e-mail in a red color under the original sentences, just so I don't miss anything in your responses. If you've already starting writing your responses, then never mind.Thank you!
Customer reply replied 9 months ago
Hello. I'm just wondering if you've had a chance to read her e-mail yet? I would appreciate your feedback. I better send her a response today.Thank you.

Good afternoon, Ben.

I've read her message through a number of times and this is how I would respond....

Dear Allie,

Thank you for your message. I have never intended to hurt you and am overwhelmed by sadness knowing I've caused you such pain. It was never intended and my heart aches that you experienced my behavior as abusive.

Yes, I do believe we need to speak--all within the context of us not being in a relationship--and please know this will be a calm, constructive conversation.

What is your availability to meet?

~Ben

I would then connect with her and discuss logistics moving forward. You need to decide how involved you would like to be and what arrangements will be made financially. I would also insist on a DNA test.

Does this help?

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Customer reply replied 9 months ago
Hello. Thank you for your suggestions. She actually texted me today about meeting up for lunch. I did go ahead and meet with her for lunch to talk about things. Overall, our talk was fine.She mainly focused on the fact that if we can be friends and communicate, then I can be around her and the baby as much as I want. She did also ask about splitting her medical bills and that she didn't want myself or anyone in the delivery room when the baby is born.She still brought up how we always argued in the past and doesn't like us talking as if we are still in a relationship together. She seemed to be doing fine physically with the pregnancy. I briefly tried to get some clarity about why she said that she wanted to marry me and have my babies back in May and June. But, she said things had changed since then. I'm not sure if the pregnancy hormones contributed to her changing or not. I still don't have peace about why she chose to get pregnant and not try to work out our differences so we can stay together.I honestly found it hard not to still be attracted to her and I still have alot of positive feelings for her (love). But, I really don't know if she would reconsider working on our relationship to where we could reconcile and get back together.I wish she could just forgive me and not hold the past against me. It seems she only focuses on how we "always argue" and that everything is my fault.Also, how do I exactly bring up the need to have a DNA test done? I assume that will be something that would bother her and she would probably accuse me of not trusting her faithfulness.Please let me know your thoughts about how and when to ask for a DNA test. Please let me know how also I should go about handling giving her money for her medical bills. My other counselor said I shouldn't have to pay for her 2 ER visits ($5,000) last month because she had sever headaches. The counselor said I should only have to pay for the baby things.Thank you.

Good afternoon, Ben.

Wow...so much has happened! Holy cow!!!

So in regard to the money part, please ask her to see a mediator with you so the two of you can have your financial arrangements clearly defined so she doesn't hit you up left and right for random amounts. This will not be expensive and will allow a legal document in place to clarify everything.

In regard to your feelings, please, sweet soul, try your best to put these on the shelf right now. She is obviously still very angry and has no interest so trying to push anything at this point will only cause her to push you away.

In regard to the DNA test, perhaps you can contact the mediator in advance and have her insist on it as part of the arrangements, perhaps referring to it as "standard protocol."

We sadly cannot change Allie's feelings but time will allow you to prove you are working on yourself and perhaps in time she will be able to see you in a new lights. Time will be your friend in this case.

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Customer reply replied 9 months ago
Hello. I'm really confused and think Allie got pregnant by me (if mine) on purpose. She still blames me for everything and won't take into account the things she did to contribute to our issues, that I've told you about.We actually had some friendly texts over the weekend. But she texted me last night about how I want to do things. She is referring to visiting the baby and paying for things. She asked if I want to do things with legal help or on our own and if I can be friends and communicate then I can be around her. She didn't want me to come over and ask the same questions (about the breakup I assume) over and over.I said I can be friends but that I would need to think about some things because she broke up with me.She said for me to seek any legal help would be a joke. (What does that mean Leslie?)She assumed that I would "sit back for 5 months before the baby arrives while she is in pain and can't do things at home and then suddenly I would just show up and want something."She brought up why we can't be together and the stress that I cause her and blamed me for everything again. Yet, she won't admit her part in things. I have shown her that I can support her, but my counselor said there are things she can do herself to help with her stress. Allie is going to a counselor.She also asked me last night if I was online dating? I said no I wasn't and that I wouldn't do that to her because I still have feelings for her.I asked her if she was online dating and she said no. I also asked her if she was dating someone else and she said no.She said she didn't want me taking the baby to my apartment and didn't want my son around the baby.I told her again what you suggested in that I was sad that she thought I would do things on purpose and purposefully cause her stress. I also asked her to try to forgive me for things in the past and that we can be good parents together.Leslie, I haven't mentioned to her about getting a DNA test yet or any legal help.Why do you think she said it would be a joke to pursue any legal options?Please let me know your thoughts.

Good evening, Ben.

Yes, this very well may be the case that Allie got pregnant by you on purpose. She may have still loved you when she got pregnant, though....this is, of course, always a possibility.

I'm glad to hear you had some friendly texts over the weekend as this is certainly progress. Yes, I do understand how she no longer wants to discuss the relationship you guys once had but wants to keep things friendly and co-parent together.

Seeking legal advice is anything but a joke and actually is for both of your protections. This ensures you are able to see the baby regularly, ensures she is paid child support and ensures she doesn't just throw bills at you. This is absolutely necessary in my opinion.

Please, Ben, do not ask her about her dating and what she is doing relationship-wise. I know you are eager for answers but fear she will push you away further if you continue to ask these questions.

She has no right to say where you take the baby and if the baby meets his 1/2 brother. This is not her place to say as it's your decision unless the courts order otherwise. And this is exactly why a formal visitation schedule is put in place with a mediator. A mediator session is not stressful as he/she will sit with you for approximately one hour and put everything in writing and that is it.

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Good morning, Ben.

I haven't heard from you and just wanted to check in and ensure things are going o.k.?

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Customer reply replied 8 months ago
Hello Leslie. Thanks for writing. We met a few times for lunch recently. She mostly wanted to talk about things with the baby. Like splitting costs for the crib, etc...We plan to go shopping this week sometime. She invited me over to look at things online. It seems like she's more open to being around me. But I am still staying a little guarded and don't try to contact her unless she contacts me first or if I haven't heard from her in a couple days.Also, she's been texting me more I've noticed. I like hearing from her. She basically just says "hey, how are you doing?". I reply I'm fine and ask her how she's doing and ask her how the baby is doing. She also shares things with me about her day, like she's getting new glasses and can feel the baby kicking and that it feels weird! She also shares some frustrations like how she wishes her 2 dogs would sleep in her bed more instead of sleeping with her mom in he other room of her house. I try to empathize and encourage her when she shares frustrating things with me.In a way, I feel we are working on our friendship. She did bring up some of my past issues (trust) at our last lunch meeting and I say I understand you are hurt by those things and that I hope she can forgive me at some point so it won't bother her anymore.Her mom will be leaving for Europe soon, I thought this weekend, she hasn't mentioned anything about that though and may not.Allie has asked for my help with things around the house and I agreed to help her to show support because she says she's in pain and can't do certain heavy lifting things.What are your thoughts about her texting me more lately to see how I'm doing?Also, at our last lunch meeting, I asked if I could give her a hug goodbye and she said yes. I hugged her for a few seconds and she seemed ok with my strong hug.What are your thoughts?Thanks.

Good afternoon, Ben.

Wow...this is incredible progress! I'm so pleased to hear this. She is certainly opening up to you significantly. Please keep doing what you are doing--don't contact her unless she contacts you and offering your support . I'm so pleased she is willing to include you in her life at this time. Oh Ben, this truly is wonderful!

I gently request you provide a star rating for me. Of course, we can continue to talk after the rating is provided.

Warm regards,

Leslie

Therapist Leslie
Therapist Leslie, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 445
Experience: Owner and Psychotherapist at Self-Employed, Private Practice
Verified
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Customer reply replied 8 months ago
Ok, I will. Thank you.
Customer reply replied 8 months ago
Hello again. Quick question: she texted me earlier this evening asking if I still teach my private music students on Sundays, like I was doing while we're dating. I said I still do, but every other Sunday in the afternoons now.She also just asked me if my music business that I own and manage is doing good? I said it's doing ok and that it can always be doing better ��.Why do you think she asked me those questions?Do you feel they are just harmless questions and she's probably just genuinely interested in things about my work?

Good evening, Ben.

Hum, it's either because she is genuinely interested or else trying to figure out the amount of money you have coming in. Please be vague with her on these types of questions so as to protect yourself financially.

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Customer reply replied 8 months ago
He, I was thinking the same thing. Thanks.

Yes, please be careful.

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Customer reply replied 8 months ago
Quick question: should I just ask her why she is asking me these questions about my business and work schedule?This was actually the 2nd time she asked me about my business and how it's doing?I thought my explaination last week about my business was detailed enough. Maybe she didn't get that text and that's why she asked again. Not sure.Now I'm getting more mixed signals from her if what you say is true about wanting to gauge my income.Why would she be doing that? It's interesting because she never responded to any of my texts when I answered her questions.Should I assume she was not genuinely interested in those areas of my work life?
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Customer reply replied 8 months ago
Should I not help her buy baby items then? (Crib, stroller, etc) We talked about going this week to do some shopping. She said it's all overwhelming and that I could come over to look online with her first.Would you say I am getting mixed signals then based on her new questions about my business?What do you think she will say if I ask her why she is asking me all these questions?How should I respond if she asks why I am asking her that?I'm really trying not to catostrophize, but I will be cautious and guarded.Please let me know your thoughts. Thanks.
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