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With the father issue. I am sorry to bother you. I was

Hi Jen, It is me...
Hi Jen, It is me again with the father issue. I am sorry to bother you.
I was really wanting to write a letter and thinking it was best, ***** ***** you told me it was best not to I realized you were right and it is good not to write also because of my own dignity and yes he doesn't know me, but he does know I am his daughter and can get to know me if he wanted. I just have a question for you that I need to know for confirmation to make sure I am thinking correct or not.....Do you think it would be best to write the letter because his cousin told me he left his parents and moved from NY to CA cause his family was judgemental and did not show love. He also never wanted or had kids. He also has a twitch in his eye. I have that too and had issues similar with my family. Should I feel bad for him and try to help him get past his issues he may have and be there for him. Also, he said he doesn't know if it is a scam and he doesn't know me. Should I write him the letter, so he can get to know a little about me because the way the world is I understand why he could be skeptical. Do you think I need to cure his fears to help him make a decision. He doesn't know if I am crazy. I gave my mother and her side chances and they did not deserve, so should I give him a chance and "fight" for him, so my kids can have a chance to have a grandfather? Do I need to let him and his wife know that I want both of them in my life and would not cause trouble?
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Answered in 10 minutes by:
10/16/2017
TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,756
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Verified
Please sit tight I will be with you in just a bit. Thank you so much for waiting today like you did for me the other day.
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Customer reply replied 4 months ago
No problem at all....Whenever you are ready! No rush. Thanks!

First and foremost you are not a bother at all. I am glad to support you.

I will never tell you not to follow your heart and if your heart is telling you to write the letter, then follow that. I hear your pleading in what you write to me...if only you could make him see you have love in your heart, if only you could make his wife see that you have only good intention, if only you could show him you are alike such as the twitch in your eyes, etc, then he will love you.

I get all of those very normal feelings.....so I guess what I am saying is if you feel it in your heart and you won't rest unless you write the letter, then write the letter and let the chips fall where they may.

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Customer reply replied 4 months ago
Thanks so much. I had gotten the idea to write the letter from his cousin. She told me to write a letter to his wife, but I had the idea to write to both of them. But on the other hand after you had said not to write the letter I started feeling like I don't want to write it anymore because I started feeling as if it is obvious he doesn't know me, but wouldn't his heart tell him he would want to get to know me and wonder about me in order to find out if I am good or not then make a deciso, so since those thoughts I feel as if I do not want to write the letter, but I am torn now. There is an argument on both sides, so what is best. I was always a strong person and I don't like allowing myself to be open to pain at the hands of others. I think that is how I protect myself from all I have been through. I don't know what my heart is telling me anymore.

I have an idea...write the letter..get it all out and then after you have done that you can decide if you want to send it....

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Customer reply replied 4 months ago
It's funny you say that because before I asked you I started writing the letter a rough draft. It was pages and pages. I feel I wrote too much. I almost finished. After I wrote it and asked you your opinion I felt as if I didn't want to send it anymore. I dont know if it was what you said, writinf the letter , or both, because I started thinking that it is obvious he doesn't know me, so how is that an excuse and why should I treat him like a baby. My heart wants to know him to see if he is good, but why doesn't his heart want to get to know me. Even is cousin and her husband think I am a good person the way I was patient and handled everything . If he does not have that feeling in his heart already should I even try is what I started feeling. I started feeling stupid pouring my heart out like that to someone who doesn't care, but I also don't want pride to get in the way as well.

And when I gave you my view about not writing it it came from a place of respecting his wishes and boundary around his decision but if you need to do this to have some closure or at least give him the time to read your words then follow that.

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Customer reply replied 4 months ago
It's funny you say that because before I asked you I started writing the letter a rough draft. It was pages and pages. I feel I wrote too much. I almost finished. After I wrote it and asked you your opinion I felt as if I didn't want to send it anymore. I dont know if it was what you said, writinf the letter , or both, because I started thinking that it is obvious he doesn't know me, so how is that an excuse and why should I treat him like a baby. My heart wants to know him to see if he is good, but why doesn't his heart want to get to know me. Even is cousin and her husband think I am a good person the way I was patient and handled everything . If he does not have that feeling in his heart already should I even try is what I started feeling. I started feeling stupid pouring my heart out like that to someone who doesn't care, but I also don't want pride to get in the way as well.....What do you think of these mixed feelings I have?

I wrote above the response to that. Your feelings are normal. By the sound of things, I think you won't rest until you write it...at least for yourself and then you can decide what feels best for you.

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Customer reply replied 4 months ago
Thank you, ***** ***** would like a 2nd opinion.
John-Michaels
John-Michaels, Counselor (LPC)
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience: 25+ years helping resolve relational issues.
Verified
Hello, my name is***** am not privy to the entire conversation between you and Jen, but from what I am seeing, I think she is giving good advice. I very often have my clients write letters to their offenders with no intention of it being read by the person of focus.It sounds like you maybe have discovered your birth father, but have no way to prove it. He is apparently not interested in knowing the truth. I often tell my clients in these type of situations to just accept their fate. Basically, it is what it is.I challenge you to take inventory of who you do have in life. Somebody is there for you. Celebrate and appreciate what you have.
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Customer reply replied 3 months ago
Thank you John. The reason why I wanted a second opinion is because I found my father and we took a DNA. He said he can not have a relationship with me because of his wife. His cousin told me to write a letter to his wife. Then I thought to write a letter to both. I Then asked Jen about this and she said not to write it then she said to write it. I feel she is not giving a true opinion, but an easy route to answer the question.
My question is if I should write them both or just her. I felt I had to write to convince them that I am good, but then realized I don't need to convince them. My father should want a relationship with me and if he doesn't I should leave him alone and if he doesn't because of his wife then he needs to learn to make his own decisions and I should leave him alone as it is his loss. What do you think?
I agree. If I discovered I had a child somewhere out there, hell nor high water would prevent me from making contact with her. Not everybody sees it that way though. I do t believe he deserves your effort or frustration. You have duscovered him. His wishes are clear. Respect them and embrace what you have. By the way, his wishes could change in time. Don’t burn your bridges. Just put this relationship on hold. Does that make sense?
John-Michaels
John-Michaels, Counselor (LPC)
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience: 25+ years helping resolve relational issues.
Verified
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Customer reply replied 3 months ago
it does. Thank you so much. That was very helpful
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John-Michaels
John-Michaels
John-Michaels, Counselor (LPC)
Category: Relationship
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