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I am very introverted and need my quiet and alone time

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uninterrupted. I feel like my...
I am very introverted and need my quiet and alone time uninterrupted. I feel like my spouse is barging into my private time and it infuriates me and I respond with aggravation to his attempts to chat it up. A perfect example is I had a very long day yesterday which it didn't end until nearly 9 at night after taking my kids to a scout meeting. My husband was working late and I was on the elliptical and my plan was to hop on there for a few minutes to get myself nice and tired out and then turn on a calming meditation and go to bed. I was in my zone and enjoying the quiet and the peace and he comes home and comes in the room and his very presence destroyed the ambience and then he tried to strike up a conversation which really annoyed me even more. I almost feel like I need my own room to hide away and lock the door and put a do not disturb sign out. When I need my alone time I really need my alone and quiet time and get highly agitated when anyone interrupts. What do I do to keep the harmony but still get what I need?
Submitted: 8 months ago.Category: Relationship
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Answered in 13 hours by:
9/28/2017
Counselor: Dr. Norman Brown, Marriage Therapist replied 8 months ago
Dr. Norman Brown
Dr. Norman Brown, Marriage Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,207
Experience: Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples
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Welcome to my couples workshop, where people 18-80 of diverse cultures & orientations have come to explore their questions and find a path of heart. Your feeling points to one of the very best solutions to your problem: negotiate with your husband to dedicate a small room as your spiritual sanctuary. DO use a Do Not Disturb sign on that door if it helps. You may have to negotiate and assert yourself several times to get him to agree, and keep adjusting the guidelines you need until the two of you develop the habit of honoring that part of your personality. If you need authorities to back you up in gaining his understanding, there are books like The Introvert Advantage, Solitude, and, what might be the most help Elaine Aron's two books The Highly Sensitive Person (with a self-test online to help you identify your probable characteristics) and The Highly Sensitive Person in Love. There are also couples who sleep in separate bedrooms some of the time or most of the time.

It's possible that your need for solitude may collide head-on with his need to reconnect by talking to you or with you--These two needs are not exactly the same, and he might not know which of them is stronger if either one is. Traditional women in America may have never seen a couple with negotiated guidelines for when and how to manage their alone and together times. So you may find you'll need to negotiate to meet some needs of his that will require you both to design a broader couple- and alone-time plan than seems necessary at first. You might even need to enlist a skilled couple therapist to manage your negotiations, esp if you're not confident in asserting for your own needs when such needs were never accepted in either of your families of origin. This could be even more necessary if you begin to realize that there are some types and durations of intimate time that you don't want to share with your husband, and you're not sure you deserve to fulfill that need to not do everything he wants you to do together with him. If you are curious about this issue of what kinds of intimacy you do and don't feel good about sharing with your husband, and which of these kinds he seems to want from you--then let me know and I'll paste up a list of 13 kinds of intimacy in my next reply, and you can consider what you want to do together and what you'd rather keep to yourself. You could also both use the list to negotiate.

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Customer reply replied 8 months ago
Excellent advice. I like the idea of a private sanctuary. I am comfortable talking with him about my needs. Thank you!
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