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Dr.G.
Dr.G., Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1525
Experience:  Licensed Psychologist in the state of Minnesota
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I have reached a stalemate in my current relationship. We

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I have reached a stalemate in my current relationship. We have been together for 3 years, and have massive trust issues. Some background is that since dating I have found that my partner lied about numerous things such as things as silly as made upndoctors appointments to more serious things such as number of sex partners and if protection was used With them in the past. Each time I was told that it was none of my business, and he didn't feel the need to have to disclose anything to me. He is secretive, and that alone has lead to an abundant amount of trust issues. The big points of contention are these- he had what I would call an emotional affair with his ex wife while we were together. He would hide phone calls with her whenever he could such as having her call him at work, even going as far as buying a secret phone that I discovered so he could call her, sending her texts that were flirtatious in nature, always comparing me to her, and even though I obviously felt uncomfortable with the relationship he refused to give it up causing many many fights between us. His use of pornography and online attention seeking with women are the other point of contention. These two things happen mostly when we fight which is all the time. He will phone his ex wife or watch pornography or seek out attention from other women online such as dating sites then will lie about it forcing me to dig and dig to uncover the truth. Then when I have "hard" evidence he will then just dismissively tell me that he didn't feel I had a right to know, which is infuriating. Not to mention extremely hurtful. Now the problem is such that he has done these things so often that all of the trust is gone, and it can never be built back because everytime we fight he cannot or will not stop himself and engages in one or more of the above behaviors. It has gotten to the point that I'm afraid to leave him alone at all. I find myself sitting at home all day and feel like a prisoner because I'm scared if I leave he will do these things. (He has proven that he will in the past when I give him a bit of space) it makes me even more fearful as he is always highly critical of my looks, my weight, his sexual dissatisfaction etc. he will often tell me that he has a better time watching porn and the women are hotter which he later says he didn't mean, but none the less I'm fearful to leave the house because I'm afraid he will turn to this. I check in him constantly, and this drives him crazy, and he becomes super mean and belligerent towards me in return. When he's in the bathroom I come in and look at his phone to see what he's looking at because I have vsudght him masturbating to porn or using it as an opportunity to contact an ex or get attention from other girls when he feels he's out of my site. He's very opportunistic, and will use any bit of space I give as a way for him to do wrong. I also demand that if he's out of my site such as in the basemnt that he use face time so that I can monitor him. He has turned the basement into a glorified man cave, and rarely ever comes out. Another big problem. He tells me that I'm driving him buts with the surveillance, but everytime I stop he does something that just breaks my heart. He tells me that I'm paranoid which hurts my feelings, but I don't see how we can ever rebuilt trust if he won't respect my boundaries and apply self control. He tells me that he's not attracted to me anymore because of this and refuses to be intimate with me even though h would demand intimacy from me when he emotionally cheated, and I was heartbroken. This makes me feel more afraid that we are no longer intimate because he has a very high libido and it makes me feel that he's taking care of needs elsewhere such as porn. I understand that he's frustrated, but I'm not sure how else to guarantee my emotional safety in the relationship other than monitoring him all the time because I can't trust him on his own. He refuses to go to counseling, and every time we try to talk it becomes all about him, and he just can't see how I feel. I'm really stuck I just don't know what to do. He feels that even though he has betrayed me so many times that I should just forget about it and keep giving him freedom, which obviously is not gonna happen for me. Are we at a point that we should just go our own separate ways? I love him a lot, and the thoughtvreally saddens me,but I just don't see a way out of this. Thanks.

I only have one question. Are you married?

Customer: replied 1 month ago.
Hahah. No.

Ok then my answer is simple. RUn away as fast as you can. He is emotionally abusive and manipulative towards you. He has no plans to change and he doesn't want to face the damage that is being done to you. Because you are dating, per say, you have no obligation to stay with him. That is why it is called dating and not marriage. I am sorry for everything you have been through but I think your time for freedom and happiness is long overdo. I just hope this bad experience with him does not carry over and interfere with your next relationship. Best wishes. Please don't forget to accept the answer so I get credit for my time.

Customer: replied 1 month ago.
Thank you for your answer. I will not argue it. I am definetly in a abusive relationship even without the trust issues I can assure you that. I know my constant monitoring is not at all normal, but I am afraid of the outcome if I just let go and do not check up on him. I have been hurt so much by him that this almost feels like a self protection mechanism as weird as that may sound. He has made me question myself with his talk of me being paranoid and needing counseling for having to check up on him all of the time.
Its natural tendency to want to protect the relationship and basically protect him from himself. Unfortunately you don't have that much control over him, and if you did, he would just find better ways to hide.
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