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Second opinion] My girlfriend barely communicates with me…

second opinion] My girlfriend barely...
second opinion] My girlfriend barely communicates with me any longer. We usually text quite a bit during the day and night. She got a new job and car (she has another job with her family, more of a like a night job in the family business). We barely talk to each other since she got the new job. I live about 4 hours from her (I have to fly by plane to see her, she does so too on occassion). We used to live in the same city before i moved for this job. We plan to get married in about 3.5 years. I am the sort of person unfortunately, that likes to communicate (if you met me and you wanted to talk, we could go on for hours as long as it was the right subject). I never let my job or car or whatever stand in the way of our relationship (I even had to ignore my family at one point). I believed in us. However, now I am getting the feeling that because of the "new car" and "job" I am basically on the side walk in this relationship. In the past we have broken up quite a few times and she always said she wanted to be with me (which makes no sense, cause she wont ever consider moving anywhere but stay with family, this I let go too). Yesterday we seemed to be doing fine but after a while she stopped texting me. I was OK with that. So today, I said good morning and I got no response, till I asked the question about why she never texts me back like we used to in the past. She said she was at work (well so was I) and that her car was having some issues (so does mine) and she had to get up early (so do I). I feel like I am being put in an awkward position where I have to give my all or I am giving too much of me in this relationship (I have been vulnerable enough I think). On the weekends sometimes we get to talk or faceTime. Suddenly she became too busy for me (I have things to do, I really do, once as I kid for about a year, I was reading and getting school work done faster than everyone in my class, I am keener and once I get into Keener mode, I loose interest in so much including my relationship, there is a lot on my plate and I can come up with excuses). I feel like our communication is so low that, I feel single. I am wondering what is good about this relationship. I was supposed to be going to see her for thanksgiving but cancelled it because, I thought to mysel what the heck I was doing going in person to see a person that barely speaks to me. Like all human beings we want to be acknowledged and seen as important and vice versa. I am wondering what is left for me with her? I am a really straightforward person and I have historically never had time to play "want me" games or "show me you love me" games (or whatever else is there these days). This is not the relationship I hope for, or that I thought I could be a part of.
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Answered in 2 days by:
9/18/2017
DrJackiePhD
DrJackiePhD, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 431
Experience: I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.
Verified

Hi, I'm Dr. Jackie, an interpersonal communication professor, relationship counselor, and behavioral therapist. I am so sorry you are going through all of this.

A leading researcher, arguably the top, in interpersonal communication, wrote decades ago that, "Communication IS the relationship." I couldn't agree more: if you do not have communication, what do you have? Memories are in the past. Goals and dreams are in the future--the communication is the present. So you really do need to think about this.

My best suggestion is for you to talk--as much of a challenge it seems to be for her--she "owes" it to you after all the time you have been together. Since you decided to cancel Thanksgiving, and in my opinion, that seemed too far away anyway, you need to make her aware of your feelings and how hurt you feel and that you just need to have an open conversation. Remember to use "I" messages since they do not come across as accusatory. That is, instead of saying, "You don't reply to texts..." reword to, "I feel hurt when you do not respond to texts. I know you are busy, but I still feel hurt and left out." In other words, always put it on YOUR FEELINGS and how you FEEL based on her actions, not that she MAKES you mad or sad, etc. See the difference? It may be subtle, but it comes out a lot less preachy.

What do you think? Do you want to chat more or can you rate and accept? I am happy to schedule chat time if you want.

Let me know. Best,

--Dr. Jackie

DrJackiePhD
DrJackiePhD, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 431
Experience: I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.
Verified
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