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Second opinion] My bf and I have been together for almost 3…

Second opinion] My bf and...
Second opinion] My bf and I have been together for almost 3 years, amazing relationship in so many ways... unfortunately every week or so something comes out of left field and he accuses me of various things such as looking at other men trying to get their attention, that I dress provocatively, that I can't be trusted, that if my phone is on vibrate its because I'm trying to hide calls or texts from him from other men. That if I have to travel overnight for work I must be cheating and he'll break up with me over it. All of these accusations are so out of character for me, I've never been remotely accused of such things before. A little background... I'm 40 he is 45, he lost his wife 8 years ago to cancer, she was 38... they had 3 very young children. He lost his dad to cancer 2 mos prior to his wife. He is the primary caregiver for his children and has a very strong connection to his Greek culture, which is great, however does include many obsolete beliefs such as women not being equal to men. We have broken up more times than I can count, our communication is not great, although improved a bit... He wanted to live together early on but then backed away and we both agreed it was too soon given we have 7 children between us. We have started and stopped an addition on his home several times. An addition I had apprehension about as we don't need to for financial reasons, it is because his kids and he are connected to the home and the neighborhood and he doesn't want to start over. I have agreed to compromise and sacrifice to move into his home despite what all the books say to avoid that for several reasons. He never got grief counseling for himself or his children, it's not his way... he also refuses to believe that his irrational behaviors that have devastated us are a real problem. I've read alot online about grief and loss of a spouse and abandonment issues and paranoia, psychosis, mania.. etc... I'm not a clinician but he refused to believe me when I tell him I am not disrespecting him in any way. He has major commitment issues to the point that we aren't friends on social media because he is concerned if we were to break up that it would be awkward... so in one breathe he loves me so much... wants to live together but in the next breath he's always thinking when it ends... I have literally been a doormat and allowed his kids to treat me like crap for the first year or two by just ignoring me trying to break us up, etc... all because of their loss and I read as many books as I could find to help me be supportive and understand that complex situation. I have nothing left to give in this relationship and now he is continuing to be verbally and emotionally abusive towards me. I see the writing on the wall but I just wish and have begged him to go to counseling to understand why he is this way. He is such an amazing person and no one would believe me if I told them how he behaves when he gets into these fits of truly believing he's watched me try to make eye contact with random guys walking down the street... or if I have a random unexplained bruise on my body he accuses me of sleeping with another guy who bit me during sex... the irrational behavior and accusations go on and on... He refuses to go to counseling... keeps saying I'm the one with the problem and won't change... yet he will not leave me alone when I block him on the phone and beg him to leave me alone since he is the one always breaking us up. I met with a counselor I've seen over the years and he agreed that this is something I should absolutely run from... is there any chance this is salvageable? I don't know what else to do and I fear he has BPD and would benefit from DBT but again he won't even consider the idea that he could benefit from counseling... this is someone that has the means yet won't take his kids to the dentist because he believes they will just try to charge him for unnecessary services............ I'm so emotionally exhausted, what should I do? thanks
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Answered in 1 hour by:
8/23/2017
TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,804
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Verified

I am so sorry to hear of this pain and struggle for you. You sound like a terrific and loving woman that has done so much for him and his kids. He has suffered a lot with his losses and you have suffered a lot by being in this relationship. I know the love for him has kept you there so please go easy on yourself and don't beat yourself up for staying and having hope. That is what makes you a loving and genuine person. It would be great if he had counseling but as you clearly know he will have no part of it both personally and culturally. So what do you do??? That is the hard part, because your gut knows the right thing, but the love and hope keeps you there. What do you envision for yourself moving forward in any relationship? If it is more than this now, then it sounds like caring for that piece in you and feeling strong enough to care for you. You have given so much to him, but maybe it is time some of that care is self directed.... Let me know your thoughts at this point and we can continue our discussion.

Jen

TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,804
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Verified
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Customer reply replied 9 months ago
Thank you. I want someone to that will extend the same trust to me that I do to him. I believe he wants to but doesn't know how. He tries butnots a constant emotional roller coaster since he truly believes in these instances that I'm disrespecting him and looking at other men or behaving in a disrespectful way, which I'm not and have never, it's not who I am period. I'm at the point where I won't let the situation continue as is.. I've reached my limit of tolerance and exhausted all I have to give, which I think is a lot and so hard for me to feel like I'm giving up especially since there is so much good with our relationship. I think my best next steps are to continue to take care of myself as you mention self direct some of that care. And encourage him to even read a book or two on how he can work through his insecurities and trust issues. That's all I can do at this point. If he doesn't care enough for me and us and our future, as well as himself then there's my answer. Any advice I could pass to him knowing his unwillingness to talk to anyone? Or do you find people are more willing to talk online in this format since it's a bit less invasive and informal? Maybe he would consider chatting in this forum. Thanks
I love how you are thinking now. Our focus is on the self-care. And yes these forums can feel less threatening so maybe he would be interested in that but again your work and your focus is on you. You can make the suggestions to him again whether it be a book or coming to me here but in the end if he chooses not to then we focus again on you.
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Customer reply replied 9 months ago
Ok, if he was willing which I'm sure he won't be but.. with some small miracle maybe he would try. Is there a way he can work with you if he wants since you would already have a bit of background? Or he should just go through the process on his own? Thanks
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