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I have a girlfriend who I've been with now for about 3

I have a girlfriend who...
I have a girlfriend who I've been with now for about 3 years. She struggles with mental problems including bipolar and PTSD. I love her a lot but she's very difficult to deal with. Like every couple we've got into fights but she used to be an MMA fighter and several times now she has turned the situation violent including broken my nose broke my finger, and has taken chunks out of me with her teeth. Because of this and other things are late relationship has been stressed significantly and there were times where we talked about not being together. During one of those times as she started texting with an old friend lying to me and disrespecting me by basically emotionally cheating on me. I love her but I don't know what to do she wants to come back but I don't fully trust her. Can you give me some insight on the situation. Would it be unreasonable that if she comes back that I would want access to her phone?
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Answered in 27 minutes by:
8/20/2017
TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,757
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Verified

It sounds like this is a very chaotic and unstable relationship. It is not just about the phone but about the way you both connect and you have been harmed physically. If she hasn't gotten help to understand her behavior and anger then things most likely will remain the same. Any relationship that one feels enough mistrust that phones need to be checked makes for a very tough relationship...so you need to ask yourself why stay in this and what keeps you coming back to the chaos.

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Customer reply replied 6 months ago
I love her and deep down I guess I believe she is just this way cause of her mental issues. What kind of help should she get. She is not in a good place and wants to come back to my house. She is in NJ and I'm in Cincinnati. She's manipulative to because she says when I talk to her about the anger and stuff she says you don't see how this is your fault too. I guess I have abandonment issues on some level I guess I have abandonment issues on some level as well so I don't like to be alone but I had been talking to other girls since she laughed and she still all I can think about

Maybe you can see a counselor together so you can work on your issues as a couple and go from there. It is quite possible with some good professional support you can both grow, learn alternate ways of dealing with your feelings and come back together stronger than before with new trust and easier times.

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Customer reply replied 6 months ago
What's some ways I can overcome my issue of not trusting her fully because of the things that she's done behind my back? I do want her to come back but all the challenges she comes with is making me kind of hesitant. Even though that's what I want.

She needs to do the work to help you rebuild trust...it won't happen magically and it will happen when she is true to her word and commitment to you without reaching back out to others and being untruthful about it.

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Customer reply replied 6 months ago
Is it going to reasonable for me to ask her to block certain people? And for me to have access to her phone until I do trust her? She's really good at manipulation and when I start talking to her about that in the past she's said oh you don't want me to have any friends I don't want to be with a person who doesn't want me to have any friends? And that's not the case at all I just don't need her to have friends that are like that and I'm not okay with it.

You can requet anything you want but again any relationship that this needs to happen is not a relationship with a foundation of trust.

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Customer reply replied 6 months ago
what you're saying is that even though that would make me feel better that I should if I want to be in a relationship with her give her another shot trust her and if she doesn't just do these things on her own then it's not meant to be?

I believe that if anyone is in a relationship where the trust is so shaky and one feels the need to check phones, ask someone to block others, then there is a good chance the relationship does not work long term. It can be helped if you both sought counseling together to rebuild trust and work on your individual issues.

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Please take a moment to click the racing faces to rate my support. You are not charged again for doing so but without it i will not receive credit for my support. I see you have several unrated questions and we do our work here with the hope you will provide a positive rating. Thanks for your understanding and integrity around this.
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I would appreciate you offering the rating now. As you are familiar, when you work with an expert, we don't receive any credit without it.

TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,757
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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