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I have two adult girls, 22 & 24. One now lives 2 hrs away,

I have two adult...

I have two adult girls, 22 & 24 . One now lives 2 hrs away, the other just graduated college and is working for 1 yr locally. She lives between me and my exhusband, time equally spent. My new husband of 1 yr, lived together for 1 yr prior to marriage and have known each other for 4 years total.

Expert's Assistant: The Psychologist will know what to do. Is there anything else the Psychologist should be aware of?

My new husband is upset when my daughter comes to our home to stay or visit because it's time taken away from him. My daughter also seems to want alone "hang out" time with me. My husband actually has timed it being 1 1/2 hrs that he was "ignored" because I was watching tv, chatting, or playing a game with my daughter after we all came home from work. I actually spent the first 45-60 min alone with him, before my daughter came home. We have two new dogs, one being an 8 mth old puppy, that I care for primarily. I am feeling that the two or three days a week that my daughter is with us, I should be able to feel free to hang out and chat with her. I have made room on the couch, invited him to join in, but he doesn't. I must admit, she's not extremely welcoming to him "intruding" on her time either. As for ME....I'm sick of being pulled in all directions and basically trying to spend equal time alone with both AND play with the dogs, etc.. I too work full time. I am a RN, my husband a doctor. HELP! Thank you!

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Customer reply replied 11 months ago
Another important factor, my husband is a father of three adult girls with a total of 4 grandchildren. He divorced prior to our meeting each other. Volatile was his previous marriage, with a wife that has serious mental health issues. Marriage lasted 36 yrs.. His girls will not talk to or see him. Nor will they allow his grandsons to have contact with him for 5 yrs now (?). The oldest boy is approx 10yrs old. This saddens him and I believe he is jealous of the close relationship I have with my daughters. I have always been a stay at home mom until my divorce (married 19 yrs), therefore, they were very cuddled and snuggled with a lot of attention given to them. My husband, at times, feels as though my older daughter (hrs away) can be rude and unappreciative to me, which I do agree.
Customer reply replied 11 months ago
When we are at the dinner table, my husband will start talking directly to me (without including my daughter, or making eye contact with her to include her into the conversation) about people or stories she knows nothing about. This totally excludes her and I see the instant disconnect from her. I have spoken to him about this. I have encouraged him to scan around with eye contact and explain to her who he is talking about. He truly is putting forth an effort in that aspect. My curiosity wonders if I had a friend over or went out to dinner with a friend, would he have the same reaction that I did not spend those hours with him? He doesn't mind when my mother & stepdad visit from Florida. We ALL chat together, or solo time doesn't result in this animosity or jealousy. They are much more welcoming to him than my daughter is, however. I know my daughter is careful not to "betray" her father, and is overly cautious with that, I believe. It's come to a point where I'd rather be away from my home, on those days, even if it's working extra, just to avoid this circumstance and repercussions. We will be discussing our concerns with each other tonight, my husband and I.
Answered in 2 hours by:
8/18/2017
John-Michaels
John-Michaels, Counselor (LPC)
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 954
Experience: 25+ years helping resolve relational issues.
Verified
Hello! My name is John. I want help you out, but it's going to take a bit to read your question and get back to you. Please give me 30 minute or so.
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Customer reply replied 11 months ago
Ok, thank you
I see you are on limited time. I apologize for the delay. I personally believe neither your husband nor daughter are being fair to you. It is up to you though to remedy the situation though. They aren't going to do it without prompting.A couple things to keep in mind is first, your daughter is 22. She is not going to be around forever. If she manages to cause a rift between you and your husband she is playing with your future. You could end up alone when she decides it's time for her to move on.That said, he needs to realize she is your daughter and needs you during this transitional time in her life. She is at an age when she is make very important decisions and needs your guidance.All that said, here's my solution. Well, my thoughts. You are there. You do what you think wise.You need to take control. I think you need to schedule a regular tone with your daughter on one evening a week, whenever that might be. Personally, I think 2-3 hours is fair, but use your wisdom. This is time on the town or whatever/wherever with you two. At the same time you need to schedule an weekend evening and night with your husband. She is an adult. She should understand. This is time where you two eat supper and spend into the night. You are still considered newlyweds. You. Need that.Both of them simply need to understand. Dont take no for an answer. Simply explain it and expect it.While your at it, tell you daughter she has nothing to fear. Your husband has no desire to replace her dad. He would like to be her friend though. Tell them that if conversation cannot include all present, you will excuse yourself.I'm not telling you to be a sty. Actually be very diplomatic about it. Just don't ask them to do it. Simply expect it.Does that make sense?
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Customer reply replied 11 months ago
Thank you very much. We had our discussion, my husband and I. I suggested he try to include her more, even ask her to help him in an activity such as grocery shopping or a trip to a store for necessary items (Target-shampoo, for her hair as well) etc.. Also participate in activities, tv show or stories of work (chatting in the kitchen while making supper and doing dishes.) I explained to him I don't like watching baseball but I do it, and listen to his explanations and stories of it, why?....because it builds a stronger relationship bond. I request he try doing this in regards ***** ***** daughter. As far as my daughter, I will discuss the same with her. I also like your idea of specific time or "dates" with each of them. My daughter and I will be initiating a 6 week pottery class that meets every Wednesday.
I, too, will have to put effort into pulling us all into group conversations, etc.. I appreciate and value your advice. Have a great weekend!
It honestly sounds as if you have a good grasp on things. You just need to be strong and stand your ground in a kind way. I don't mean to be pushy on this, but would you do me a favor and rate my answer? That is of the only way I receive credit for it. Thank you for trusting me to help you. Let me know if I can help you in the future.
John-Michaels
John-Michaels, Counselor (LPC)
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 954
Experience: 25+ years helping resolve relational issues.
Verified
John-Michaels and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
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Customer reply replied 11 months ago
Absolutely!
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