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My ex, who broke up w me 4 months ago after a 9 year

My ex, who broke...

My ex, who broke up w me 4 months ago after a 9 year relationship, and who is already involved w someone else (2 months after break up) just sent me the text "hope you had a good day." What should I think?

Expert's Assistant: The Psychologist will know what to do. Is there anything else important you think the Psychologist should know?

We have been doing the "best friends" transition since the day of the break up w/o any no contact time out.

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Answered in 1 hour by:
8/14/2017
Therapist Leslie
Therapist Leslie, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 443
Experience: Owner and Psychotherapist at Self-Employed, Private Practice
Verified

Good evening and thank you so much for your message. I realize it's difficult to reach out. Please know I honor your courage.

My name is ***** ***** I am a psychotherapist in the Metro Boston area.

I'm so sorry to hear about your recent break-up after a very long term relationship. I have been there myself and fully understand the angst and complete heartbreak.

I do find it strange that your ex has already moved on while still expecting the two of you to remain "best friends." I can't imagine his new partner is fine with this and am a bit baffled about the logistics of transitioning from a long-term relationship to a friendship. It is as if your ex wants his cake and wants to eat it too--keep the close relationship he once had with you through a friendship while being close with another.

I would be a bit perplexed by his message as well. I'm unsure of how a person should interpret this while juggling a new relationship.

Obviously I can't tell you what to do but imagine it's near impossible to heal from the pain of the break-up while the person is so involved in your life. I also fear your ex is not dealing with his/her own feelings of grief/sadness/loss and so on and is masking these by entering a new relationship.

My advice is to create some space for yourself. Surround yourself with those you love and work on yourself. Spend some time doing what you love and developing the skills you have. You need to take care of yourself first and foremost and I fear this won't happen while maintaining a relationship with an ex who has already moved on.

Have I answered your question? Is there anything else I can do to assist you further? I want to ensure you are pleased with my service. I also gently request you provide a star rating for me. Of course, we can continue to talk after the rating is provided.

Please take good care of yourself and feel free to contact me with any questions you may have.

Warm regards,

Therapist Leslie

Therapist Leslie
Therapist Leslie, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 443
Experience: Owner and Psychotherapist at Self-Employed, Private Practice
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Customer reply replied 10 months ago
I am male. My partner is female. Thank you for your guidance. I am making space for myself to heal, enjoy my friends, do things I enjoy. I have suspected that she is using the new relationship as you suggest to cover the loss. They became friends 5 years ago during another difficult time in our relationship. I knew he was interested, but don't know him well. He is getting to know her friends and family, but she goes radio silent on me when she's with him. I have been pulling away from her day by day, but do still harbour hope of reconcilliation, though she says that isn't possible. I want to respond to the text, but dont know what to say

Ahhhhh sweet soul, I am so sorry. Yes, this is certainly difficult. If you want to respond, you might be gut level honest and say something like, "I'm unsure how to respond to your texts. I know you are with someone else and it's confusing to know the role I should, if any, play in your life right now." Does that feel too harsh?

Thank you so much for your kind rating. I am very appreciative.

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Customer reply replied 10 months ago
I responded after several hours that I'm having a good day and hoped she did as well. She responded that it was okay and that she is just "really tired. Have a good night. Hug." She is constantly saying she is "tired." She and I were never good sleepers, but she slept better during our relationship than she had in her past. (She is the victim of alcoholic parent and sexual abuse) She never seems happy when we talk but wont let go. Thoughts?

I imagine she felt incredibly safe with you and while sleeping was difficult (most probably due to PTSD), she was at least able to feel comfortable and rest deeply with you. I imagine she is still holding on largely because of the safety she felt while with you. Can I ask why the relationship ended?

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Customer reply replied 10 months ago
She was exasperated that after 9 years, we we not living together. We had lived together for a year several years ago, but it was difficult on both of us. I have lived alone my entire adult life, she has never lived alone. When we stopped living together, she moved to her brother's house. It was at that time she met her new partner, btw. She's had a very stressful last few years, job changes, family drama, friend issues, etc. I tried being supportive and helpful through all of it, while trying to manage my own financial, career, and personal issues. In December, her brother and sister in law told her she needed to move out. Because I was afraid we'd make the same mistakes worse under stressful pressure of HAVING to have her move back in, I balked at discussing the possibility of do so. It's not that I dont want to live with her, I'm just afraid of the adapting process. So she got her own apt for the first time in her life. And as she needed more and more of me, I started to fall deeper under the weight of managing her issues and mine. I needed some space, but didn't know how to ask, for fear of disappointing/angering her. So I never told her when my brief break from teaching was in the spring, just to have some me time. A few days later, she lost her job. Then she caught my lie. And broke up w me that morning, but demanded I salvage the friendship. Which brings us to now.
Customer reply replied 10 months ago
I worked too much, played too little. I made time for her/us as much as possible every day, but had to be pushed to do fun things.
Customer reply replied 10 months ago
She was exasperated that after 9 years, we we not living together. We had lived together for a year several years ago, but it was difficult on both of us. I have lived alone my entire adult life, she has never lived alone. When we stopped living together, she moved to her brother's house. It was at that time she met her new partner, btw. She's had a very stressful last few years, job changes, family drama, friend issues, etc. I tried being supportive and helpful through all of it, while trying to manage my own financial, career, and personal issues. In December, her brother and sister in law told her she needed to move out. Because I was afraid we'd make the same mistakes worse under stressful pressure of HAVING to have her move back in, I balked at discussing the possibility of do so. It's not that I dont want to live with her, I'm just afraid of the adapting process. So she got her own apt for the first time in her life. And as she needed more and more of me, I started to fall deeper under the weight of managing her issues and mine. I needed some space, but didn't know how to ask, for fear of disappointing/angering her. So I never told her when my brief break from teaching was in the spring, just to have some me time. A few days later, she lost her job. Then she caught my lie. And broke up w me that morning, but demanded I salvage the friendship. Which brings us to now.
and I worked too much, played too little. I made time for her/us as much as possible every day, but had to be pushed to do fun things.
Customer reply replied 10 months ago
this morning was unpleasant. We had our usual gm call (which is our only contact these days, her choice/my acceptance). She's having a difficult time w a mutual friend over her new relationship so that colored what happened I'm sure. I had told her I'm doing a movie and dinner w a friend (totally platonic and they know each other). this morning she brought my plans up and immediately then started offering suggestions of what else we could do tonight so I could "take advantage of the time" I finally have. Her tone was angry and pushy. She apologized for "overstepping my boundaries" (I had asked her a week ago not to question how I'm spending my time as I'm not in a position to do the same, but she's doing it anyway, while not telling me much if anything about her life except new job stuff.) She's acting like a child. I remained calm and polite. It's been 4 months. She dumped me. She started a new relationship. She has what she wants. Why the hostility? Please help me understand.

My apologies for not getting back to you sooner. Thank you so much for this historical information. I can certainly see how each of you contributed to the overall breakdown and in regard to what happened this morning, I imagine she still holds a bit of anger toward you....especially in regard to your limited availability time-wise and failure for the relationship to move to the next step. I believe what you experienced this morning was a bit of the anger from issues of the past--combined with her falling back into the role she most probably took often while the two of you were together. I understand your frustration. After all, she left and has moved forward--which sadly makes it hurt even more.

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Customer reply replied 10 months ago
Thank you for your response. I assumed much of what you've said already, but it's helpful to have confirmation and clarity. Do you think that it's just residual anger, or is there some part of her, however unacknowledged, that wants to reconcile? Her words say no. Her actions say...I'm not sure what. She runs hot and cold, advances and withdraws, holds on to me daily and shuts me out on weekends. This is not the behavior of a person in a mutually satisfying committed relationship, which she suggests hers is. Or is she just not yet prepared to accept a life w/o me in it, even as my moving on in my own life draws me bit by bit away from the life I wanted with her? The more I recover my own sense of self, she says is "good." or "excellent" but there is still this undercurrent of tension (and she said at one point she wants there to be no tension between us b/c we're friends), but its generated from her, by what she says or how she behaves toward me. I'm being kind, supportive, but making my own way in my life. Your thoughts are kindly appreciated.

Hum, without knowing your ex it's hard for me to say but my gut says she loves you still but is angry you were not able to move in the timeline she wanted. I imagine at times she's conflicted thus the confusing behavior. I honestly wonder about the seriousness of the current relationship as her heart still seems to be very much with you. I do believe your relationship together was unhealthy in many ways and perhaps could have been made a bit better with some individual work on both of your parts. Obviously this doesn't help now but my recommendation is to keep working on yourself and uncover the part of you that was somehow lost while the two of you were together.

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Customer reply replied 10 months ago
Thank you for your response. I do recognize the ways in which our relationship was/is unhealthy. I continue to work on recovering my lost self, to enjoy and nourish who I am, accept what love and support others give, take criticism gratefully and work on my issues. And I do recognize the conflict she must feel, even if she can't/wont acknowledge it. I cannot/will not judge the seriousness of her "current" (interesting word choice, that.) relationship, because I am shut out from knowing much about it. There is however now drama in it that she has given me sketchy info on, without my having been asked, but for whatever need she has, has drawn me into. Her other closest male friend, with whom I also have a deep connection, has been allowed to be part of their lives, though he too has issues with how the "current" relationship affects his friendship w Erika. Over the weekend, he overstepped his bounds in a way that offended her, by asking to see them kiss. Telling request, that. That is the extent of what Erika told me, saying she "doesn't expect me to help think [her]way through it." And this is all she believes I know. According to Bob, our friend, also told me without my asking to know, she was deeply hurt, telling him in an email that both she and her "current" were offended. Seeking redress, he reached out to her "current" via text in order to apologize. The "current" responded that he wasn't offended at all. Somehow this ended in the "current" bailing on dinner w her, and she forbidding Bob any further contact with him, and taking space from Bob for the moment, whatever that means. She is clearly in defense mode, choosing and protecting her lover and herself from Bob and me through different means, but putting just enough out there to involve me for whatever reason, so that A) she's not at fault, bears no responsibility for the way things happen B) I cannot offer any opinion since I am not allowed to have any, since she has nothing to apologize for for moving on, and anything i do that shows her I'm hurting makes her feel guilty and she has nothing to be guilty about. since I wronged her but by keeping me in her life, she is "honouring the vow we made years ago to never do any irrevocable harm to our friendship" and B) to keep my support for as long as possible before she and the "current" move on to the next phase of living together, they've apparently discussed and she no longer has/needs me. Double bind psychosis tactics so very prevalent in children of alcoholic parents and incest survivors. Everythings a trap, because everything is choose what I want you to choose. Choose me. Or whatever of me I offer you, even if its not enough of me for you. By doing what I need to do for myself, I unlock further anger in her. I went to the movies and dinner w an old friend yesterday, and she aggressively started offering other thing we could do yesterday to take advantage of the free time I now have, but the apologizing in the same tone for overstepping her boundaries. She asked me this morning how the day went, told me things were worse with Bob but no details, and how she spent her evening as if she was alone by choice rather than b/c her "current" bailed on their plans. I feel as though I'm in some badly written Junior High drama without my consent, and I'm the only adult in the room. I could just walk away completely, but I have chosen to make space for my healing and nurturing while not completely disengaging from the woman who still means more to me than anyone else but me. I continue the psychology of remaining, calm, positive and upbeat, focused on myself. Any thoughts you have are much appreciated. Thank you

Ohhhh sweet soul, you sooo understand this dynamic...more than you give yourself credit for. You understand the adult children of alcoholics dynamic as well as the survivor response. Obviously you have given this much thought and are moving forward in the way that makes the most sense. You are taking care and working on yourself and staying positive in your engagements with her. Yes, it is high school drama and I imagine in time it will leave your weary. For now, keep in the direction you are moving as you know yourself better than anyone.

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Customer reply replied 10 months ago
Thank you for your thoughts. I appreciate your telling me to just moving along as i have been. And creditting my level of understanding of the dynamics that have shaped her behavior. I have spent much thought over our 9 years together on how to support her in her journey to deal with her issues. I am soooo proud of the woman in progress she will always be. We had some contact via facebook today. Nothing of great consequence, but there were three telling statements "I'm scattered." "sorry I'm wishy washy" and finally "need to get back to work. Miss you. Hug." Don't want to over or underestimate their meaning as regards ***** ***** feels about me. I'm not even sure what question I'm trying to ask you.

I understand, though. You are eager to see some evidence of a possible relationship in the future. It seems her heart is still with you and I love how you are so pleased of the woman she is. I can only hope that as you each continue to evolve that perhaps you find your way back to each other.

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Customer reply replied 10 months ago
Our friend Bob told me this evening that she had confided in him that her "current" is "Extremely f%$ked up." Yet she is still knowingly trying to build a future with him. Bob thinks she's trying to fix him. I am very troubled to hear this. How is this better/healthier than the one she left? I cannot interfere, much less offer an opinion, but now I am angry and fearful she's hurting herself.53k
Customer reply replied 10 months ago
Good morning,
I received a notification that you replied to my message from 11pm last night (see above), but I do not see one. Perhaps it was an error? I am doing less well today than I have been. Feeling anxious and restless. It seems as though I'm being gaslighted, fed misinformation while being rewarded for small kindnesses and being a good boy, Asked to give detailed accounts of my comings and goings while being told little of hers except through Bob, being scheduled in so she gets her time with my TV at her convenience, and shut out when she so decides. All while she's involved with a person she's described as "Extremely f%$ked up." (See above.) Why do I still care? Why am I still playing? She's never coming back to me. Even though she "Misses me" (see above). I'm so tired of it all.

My apologies for not responding sooner. The message from the other night is this:

I understand, though. You are eager to see some evidence of a possible relationship in the future. It seems her heart is still with you and I love how you are so pleased of the woman she is. I can only hope that as you each continue to evolve that perhaps you find your way back to each other.

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Customer reply replied 10 months ago
Thank you for your thoughts. I saw her today. It was mostly a nice time. We went for a bit of a hike, then a swim, then dinner and TV. I allowed her to take my picture (something I was always reticent about doing. I'm very camera shy) She told me I'm cute.She touched my hair for the first time since the break up. It felt almost like we were us. Just my hopes, probably. I'm not that much of a fool. But when she arrived, she took out her phone and said "Not to be rude, but..." and then went on to explain that the "current is away on a long car trip so she would be checking for updates while we were together. She did so several times. I really need to stop letting her treat me badly.
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