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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3520
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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I unintentionally hurt my boyfriend about 4 weeks ago. He

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I unintentionally hurt my boyfriend about 4 weeks ago. He lost trust in me. But it's a misconception. It's not in reality what he thinks. I changed my phone number and got rid of all my contacts. He asked for my iCloud name and password ***** he could check I really did it and I didn't give it to him. He said that was a huge red flag and he doesn't want to get hurt anymore than he has. He has his guard up now he hasn't told me he loves me for 4 weeks but has said he has missed me. I saw him twice in those 4 weeks and we intimate. So that shows he can be close. He still calls and texts but his text are not all lovey like they used to be. He asked for space to figure things out at first I couldn't give it to him. Then I tried and didnt contact him for almost 3 days. On the third day he called me and said he missed me. Since then he's has been in out texting me and calling. He invited me over 3 days last week , I finally when this last Thursday and spent the night. It was so amazing just being with him again. He texted me Friday that it was nice to see me and spend some time with me again. But then I felt like he was distant again. I asked to see him Saturday and he said he as a lot of stuff to do, and I kind of got upset. He told me take a step back. And that I never truly gave him his space. And then he says maybe I'm not ready to be in a relationship I don't know.When he was reaching out to me too. I told him fine I will give him some space and leave him alone that I just wanted to spend sometime with him. Then he texts me this is isn't easy for either of us. It's confusing I was just with him and he was so loving and letting me love him. He did say he was guarded, he did mention when I was at his house that the one girl he cares about and love broke his heart. He has a misconception about trusting me with my phone over contacts that reappeared when I turned on my icloud. I had deleted them from my phone just not my iCloud. And so he thinks I brought other men's numbers again or saving them. ibfee like he hasn't given me a fair chance to make the relationship better or prove I'm trustworthy

He is confused and guarded and I do think giving him space is what is needed...he comes back in when he feels good but then he gets spooked because he feels mistrust so he needs to ride those emotions and come back to you in his own way and own time...I would not contact him and let him have the space and reconnect when he is ready.

Customer: replied 2 months ago.
Thank you. The space part is hard. It has left me confused. I think I talked to you last week. Well I didn't contact him like you said and he called me 2 1/2 days later. I answered we talked a little bit he said he missed me we talked for about 30 mins. Then the next day last Saturday he texted me "good morning" again. We talked through out the day. Then Sunday he saw I was on social media and texted me again around 6 asking how LA was. So he was talking to me more and calling me theough out this week and then I saw him Thursday. When I'm with him he says he misses my kisses and touch and all of that.when I was on my way there too he texted me I'm happy to see you too. Now I asked to see him yesterday and he pulled back. I tried talking to him asking him What's up? Is there someone else. He said no and that I asked him 3 days in a row if there was someone else and if I ask again it will be the last time he says no. He got super defensive. But he also explained how that I was stressing him out of being pushy. and he said what makes him pull is the conversation we were having.
Customer: replied 2 months ago.
I texted him this after we got off the phone.Michael, I think your right, you do need your time. To truly figure out what you want. It saddens me your unsure of your feelings for me. It saddens me you don't want to spend more time with me. It saddens me that you don't have faith in me right now but I want your happiness more than anything, I just want you happy. I really want to be able to start working on our relationship to make it stronger than ever, but respect your need for this time to heal and think...I am a trustworthy and faithful woman; always will be. I deserve the same unconditional love I have shown you day in and day out through the good times and hard times since the day I said yes to being your girlfriend. I think I need to be more patient, and just let me know if there's anything I can do to help the process of you building trust in me and in your heart. Or anything in general. I care enough about our relationship to do this for you. I know it's not easy. It hasn't been. I want you to have this alone time because I truly care about you and your happiness.
I pray tomorrow is better day for you, have a good night. I love you.He responded with : thank you. This isn't easy for either of us.

seee.... and it worked...you can be strong and let him come to you and not reach out to him...he needs some control.

Customer: replied 2 months ago.
I texted him this too.And that part about someone I love said this. Is him. And he won't do the same for me??Nothing good in life comes easy. I believe our love is bigger than any obstacle. Love conquers all. But I can't do it alone.Someone who I love wholeheartedly once told me... We will get through this and we will do it together. And to stick together and move forward together. And to trust in god. To come together to work thru it, to love and care about each other thru the struggles and concerns, and to come together instead of apart because they love and care about me so much. And to trust in GOD and US.I DID IT,and it definitely was not easy, but I did it because of the love God planted in my heart especially for you.Hope you enjoy your evening, good night

I would try and refrain from those kinds of texts...its a bit heavy and he wants space not to be reminded what he should feel or your sadness....

Customer: replied 2 months ago.
This was the last text I sent him and got no response.
I neeeeedddd to stop right there!!!!I know you want your space and I won't text you anymore. I didn't sleep an ounce. I'm just so confused. I thought I meant something to you. I have a text from you saying you do know I'm trustworthy and you have forgiven me. I thought you loved me so much and cared so much about me and would do anything for me. I thought what we have is more special than anything we both ever experienced. I don't understand how all that can just disappear. I have been fighting to show you. And that it is worth sticking together and loving each other unconditionally. You are an important part of my life. The best memories I ever experienced are with you Michael. I hope you don't give up on us. I feel so sad you won't give me a chance, a fair one. The mere thought of ever having to be without you Or even thinking of you with someone else. Makes me so sick to my stomach.I know your guarded but open your heart and your eyes see what's in front of you.It's very special
Customer: replied 2 months ago.
I just don't know how and I'm going to screw up the process

Its too much and it's not giving space...giving space is not sending these texts but rather leaving things be so he can have the time he needs.

Customer: replied 2 months ago.
how should I leave it now? Do you think I screwed it up?

Just leave it...no more texts or calls he needs time.

No worries about screwing it up....don't beat yourself up just now give him what he has requested. His lack of response shows you he doesn't want this right now.

Customer: replied 2 months ago.
Ok, do you think he will come around? What does he mean by "it isn't easy on either of us" ?And how can he be intimate with me if that's how he feels and make love to me. And kissing me the way he was. When we made love he was kissing my arms my face my neck. He didn't seem guarded then and that's what makes me angry. Fills like he was letting me in and then shut the hole
Customer: replied 2 months ago.
Do you think he can reconnect with me after those texts?I think your right, he doesn't want to feel pressured or stressed about it

He still loves you just needs time to be on his own to feel trust again. give him that time and he may just come back around.

Customer: replied 2 months ago.
Ok, but he even said yesterday that he doesn't know if it's something he can get over. It's in his head, which sucks for me cause it wasn't at all what he thinks. And I have no way of proving that. What I don't understand is how the trust is going to get better if he doesn't let me see him. Should I still keep him on my instagram? Or take him off.

If he is in his head then giving him the time to work it out for himself is the only course. I would not remove him from social media...that would send the wrong signal. Just give him time and space.

Customer: replied 2 months ago.
It's so confusing. I'm just angry he makes love to me then pulls back after even when we woke up our arms wrapped around each other and he was holding my hand. Yesterday he said he had a stressful day and I was adding to it and that's exactly what he doesn't want or need.Is there any last text I should send him to make up for those ones I sent???Oh, and should I reply or answe? when he calls or texts?

no do not text him...if he initiates then you can respond naturally.

Customer: replied 2 months ago.
Ok. When I asked him what he wanted from me yesterday he said he didn't know. He said take a step back... what does that exactly mean? I can't tell if he's breaking up with me or not. He doesn't come out communicate clearly
Customer: replied 2 months ago.
Does the step back mean the space? It's all confusing sorry I have so many ?s
Customer: replied 2 months ago.
I don't want him to withdraw completely. I think he will miss though like he did
Customer: replied 2 months ago.
He also said I was being needy and clingy lately! That I need to take a step back.. and it hurt and made me pissed cause he was just intimate with me and making love to me. That killed me hearing him say that cause I have just been myself and he had no problem with me being loving before.Now what? Just wait to hear from him?

He has asked for space and you haven't given it...he does not know what he wants and you ask what he wants from you...He may end the relationship or he may not..your best chance is not to reach out to him and give him space...it is likely he will end things if you keep reaching out, not respecting what he wants and asking him questions that he does not have the answer to.

Yes you reaching out when he has asked for space is needy and clingy...its really very simple..give him space and do not reach out to him.

Customer: replied 2 months ago.
Yeah I get that. But this last week he was texting me and calling me every weekday and inviting me over. We even talked for an hour one night. And then for him to have me come over and make love to me and spend the night Thursday tonfriday and I leave to work from his house. And he texts me " it was nice to see you and spend some time again" and say he enjoyed his time with me as well. Then tk become distant again. Sends me mixed signals. It's Sunday and I'm confused as hell. I'm terribly at knowinhkw to give him space cause for months I'm used to talking to him on the phone and texting 30 times a day. Do you think he truly loves me? I would rather he would have just broke it off to save me from all this grief. He pulls me in and then pushes me away

It just shows his confusion..it shows he still loves and cares but is scared. Let him be now.

Customer: replied 2 months ago.
you think the only way it will get better is if there's no communication? It's there any advice you can give so i won't text him like how to refrain?I'm really trying to take your advice. It skills me that he said I was acting needy/clingy lately. When I've done nothing but act the same since we have been together. Maybe it's too much I love you and miss talk and lovey talk . I don't know. You don't think he was just using m for sex? You think he was genuine ?
He even made a comment like " I was grounded" but he has meantioned in the last week or two twice that his heart is guarded and he is guarded. So my ? Is when time comes and he reaches out.. how do I help get his guard down?

I have given you my best thoughts and that is to give him the space he has asked for and not reach out, not ask him to tell you what he wants and to let him be. When you have the desire to reach out remember that isn't what he has asked for and could end things if he feels suffocated.

Customer: replied 2 months ago.
Ok

you can do this...trust in the love. Be strong!

Request me in a new question in a few days to let me know how you are doing. Please take a moment to click the rating faces. Thanks.

Jen

Customer: replied 2 months ago.
I'm trying! It's sooo hard. I love him so much. The worst part of it all is he was hurt and it was all a misconception. And now he doesnt trust me and I am the most trustworthy woman. I don't understand why this is happening. I've done all I can do I'm emotionally drained. Here were just some of our texts me all this :( the gray is him talking. Thank you for your help
Customer: replied 2 months ago.
Ok thanks jenn

trust the love...it's there!

Be well and follow our plan! :-)

Please if you could take care of the rating now, I would appreciate it.

TherapistJen and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 months ago.
He took our picture off of instagram and is following other woman 3 new women he's following in the last 3 days. I'm heart broken and don't even know how to approach it
Customer: replied 2 months ago.
But he is still following me on I stgram is this part of the space? How should I approach this? I want to show up at his house. Maybe he doesn't trust me cause he doesn't trust himself
Customer: replied 2 months ago.
Jenn! I don't know what to do!!! My heart is shattered! Maybe he on another dating site or keeping his options open. But for him to do that speaks volumes.

If you would be so kind as to begin a new question and request me because otherwise I will not receive credit for my time.

Thanks

Customer: replied 2 months ago.
Ok but I don't have my credit card on me right now
Customer: replied 2 months ago.
Ok I did
Customer: replied 2 months ago.
He took our picture off of instagram and is following other woman 3 new women he's following in the last 3 days. I'm heart broken and don't even know how to approach it
But he is still following me on I stgram is this part of the space? How should I approach this? I want to show up at his house. Maybe he doesn't trust me cause he doesn't trust himselF