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CounselorJules
CounselorJules, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 792
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor
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I want your help. My boyfriend wanted to stay away from me,

Customer Question

Hello, I want your help.
JA: The Psychologist will know what to do. Please tell me everything you can so the Psychologist can help you best.
Customer: My boyfriend wanted to stay away from me, but kept calling me. And after I did 3 days NC, he came to me and said he wanted me back. But I feel like he didn't put effort in this. And I want him to do more to get me back, so when he called, I said I want to be alone like what he said to me before. He just said that he will let me do what I want. He never contact me again, but if I need help, let him know. What should I do to make him try to get me back again?
JA: Is there anything else important you think the Psychologist should know?
Customer: I just want he to try on me and go back to me, love me more than ever
Submitted: 2 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 2 months ago.

Hi,I'm Jules, a LPC,I am reviewing your relationship question now. If you have other specific information, please feel free to send it. Thank you!

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 2 months ago.

Thanks for sharing your experience so far with the use of "no contact." It sounds like that "silent power" did become effective, but of course you don't want to be too available for him because you want him to really demonstrate a desire to be with you. It sounds like you are saying that you don't want it to be too easy for him. I can understand that perspective or need for sure. My encouragement is that you continue to do what you have been doing with the "no contact" decision and remember that even if he does call that you don't have to answer. You haven't lost your window of opportunity with him, in fact, it is good that you have begun establishing a boundary with him and it will be important for him to understand what it is that you are expecting from him. You guys are probably both aware of what you each may have done that contributed to the dissolution of the relationship, and so now you can take some time and think about how to create different solutions to the previous problems. It doesn't have to be about ultimatums, but more about collaborations with each other to meet each others' needs. If you want him to "love you more than ever," you may need to tell him what it is that you specifically need from him so he can meet those needs. Expectations are "invisible" and so are "boundaries" but if you tell someone what it is that you desire or prefer, they are much more likely to make those efforts. So, try the no contact with him, but in the meantime think of what it is that you most want and what a healthy relationship may look like to you, so that when he does call (which I bet he will) you can explain what you prefer for your relationship and you can ask him to help you understand the same about his needs :)

Hope that helps! Let me know what you think! Jules

Customer: replied 2 months ago.
Unfortunately, this morning, I called him and asked to see me. He said he is busy at work, so he couldn't talk right now. He will give me a call when he is free. Before finishing the call, he said thank you to me for giving him a call. So what should I do now?
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 2 months ago.

Thank you for your response. I think it was okay that you called him. It showed some effort on your end so that it does create a sense of hope from him too. Dont feel like the ball is in his court completely. Allow him that time to call you back and then just be honest with him, that you have been doing some thinking about the relationship and ask him what his thoughts have been. It could open the door to a mature conversation about preferences or needs. Make sure that you arent defensive or blameful and use more "I statements" rather than telling how you feel he no longer acts in the same manner toward you. Sort of like, "I always enjoyed it when we cuddled or were close to each other. I felt protected or safe. I really miss that." Rather than, "You dont ever really just spend time with me." There is a way to explain your needs that reassures them without them feeling criticized. You can reinforce the things that you do want from him by telling him what you liked that he has done, but if you go into details about how it doesnt seem like he cares as much, he could feel rejected or criticized and it would cause him to retreat. Remember that what you permit is what your promote, so think about setting those standards early and also discuss what he feels he needs too..... and you know, you dont have to answer right away when he calls.... you can still invoke the "silent power" or "no contact" but it sounds like maybe you guys are ready for a more serious talk :)

Customer: replied 2 months ago.
I already talked to him. Again, he came back to his behaviour before wanting me back. I told him what I was thinking when I behaved like that to him. Once again, he said there were a lot of complications between us, so it is better to leave. I said that it was not what he wants. And he told me that he would come to me to discuss about that when he is free. I asked him would you call me or...! He told me that he would call me, don't worry. I really don't know how to fix this relationship and make him love me more than ever. I think I did a step to make him feel that I need he more than anything? Can you tell me what can I do when he come and after that what can I do to make him love me forever?
Customer: replied 2 months ago.
Should I initiate texting him?
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 2 months ago.
I think I would refrain from initiating a text and I would allow him to "miss you" a bit. You don't want to appear to eager or as if you are in "need" of his attention. Let him have contrast of you being unavailable. I would make plans with friends and focus on thinking of my personal growth to determine if you really deserve more than what he is offering right now
Customer: replied 2 months ago.
He keeps being cold and ignoring me. What should I do to make him want me back?
Customer: replied 2 months ago.
Yesterday, I was very painful by the way he replied my texts. I texted him that I would let him go. After that he called and texted me but I didn't pick up because I was afraid of rejection. He stopped calling until now. What should I do now?
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 2 months ago.

I would continue to allow time to go by. I know that is difficult to do. I think he needs to take time to process how he treats you and dont allow him to become the victim in this situation. You dont have to accept his statements and remember not to allow the things that he has said to be symbolic of your worth.

Customer: replied 2 months ago.
I don't understand what you mean by victim in this situation?
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 2 months ago.

What I mean is, if you guys do end up communicating, and if he attempts to make you feel bad for not answering his calls or texting, please dont feel like you did anything wrong. He seemed to have wanted the break, and so by you being silent, please dont feel like you owe him an apology. But do continue to think about the preferred outcome and how you can encourage this to happen. I tend to believe that "thoughts are real forces" and if you can send positive vibrations his way and imagine the life that you would want with him, it can help. I would like to send you a book called, "The Secret." It is one of my favorites and there is a chapter on "relationships" and I think that you would find the information useful.

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 2 months ago.

Im also sending another booklet that I think you will like :)

Customer: replied 2 months ago.
I'm sorry for annoying you a lot. But I'm really worried . What if he totally gives up on me? How could I do?
Customer: replied 2 months ago.
Hello. Are you still able to help me?
Customer: replied 2 months ago.
I'm looking forward to your reply!
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 2 months ago.

You're not bothering or annoying me. I wasn't online yesterday due to previously scheduled plans. Have you heard from him?

Customer: replied 2 months ago.
I haven't. So that's why I think he forgot me already
Customer: replied 2 months ago.
I really miss him. What can I do now?
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 2 months ago.

Well, I definitely don't think that he has forgotten you already. You have to remember that patience is going to be key if you want this to work out. You don't want to let your fears get inside of your head, but instead think of this break as an opportunity to repair patterns. You can really take time to miss one another and also gain perspective on ways to better care for the relationship. The break can make you much stronger, but aside from the relationship aspect, the break can also lead to you to thinking about what really is best for you. I would take this time to focus on myself. I would focus on what fulfills me as a woman, as an individual, and what fulfills me spiritually. You don't want to put too much focus on your happiness only residing in him-- you have to really be happy with who you are. If you are a "broken" person, you can never be a part of a "whole" relationship. You have to make sure that you strong individually if you want to be a part of a strong relationship, otherwise the pressure is too much for the other person to sustain. Does that make any sense?

Customer: replied 2 months ago.
I understand. But it seems too long for me. I thought that he would think like I kept changing so he didn't want to be with me anymore. I know I have to be strong, but
Customer: replied 2 months ago.
What if he is moving on? Can you tell me what is on his mind?
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 2 months ago.

You know, we all grieve individually, but it seems that men tend to find ways to reconnect with others after a breakup. They tend to be more proactive in making plans with friends or finding support. They attempt to distract themselves. I don't mean that he is distracting himself with other females or moving on, per se. But I wouldn't doubt it if he was hanging out with buddies. Men are generally in no rush to settle down or start a brand new relationship. He may be engaging in activities that he enjoyed prior to you guys dating. People tend to fall back into old patterns, but all of this is part of his distraction techniques. Sometimes men hang out with other people early on, but that doesn't mean you are on the backburner of his thoughts. You are likely right there in his mind all of the time, but he may have more self control-- especially if he is the one that made the call on ending the relationship. He probably knows it's not fair to keep you on a yo-yo and maybe he feels like the space gives him real time to think about what he wants also....

this is an interesting powerpoint that you may appreciate:

http://hissecretobsession.com/freepresentation.php?hop=jackbg

Customer: replied 2 months ago.
it means I should wait until he initiates contact me? I'm really painful and want to call him? It's so hard for me, you know?
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 2 months ago.

I know it is hard and I know it is actually probably driving you nuts right now, but I honestly don't think it would be best to contact him right now. I would at least give it a week. Sometimes people suggest 30 days for "no contact." That would be super hard too, but I think if you have some opportunities to reconnect with girlfriends or family, now is the time to take advantage of that. Get some perspective from some girlfriends that knew him and ask their opinions. Also, ask others if you seemed happy in the relationship? Ask them if they noticed any changes in you, good or bad. You know, focus on what is inside of your control, which is your actions, choices, etc. That may help distract you for a while....

Customer: replied 2 months ago.
Thank you for your advice. Do you think that he keeps being silent after trying to be back with me, it means he has already made up how mind to stay away from me?
Customer: replied 2 months ago.
also I said that I'm leaving him, it touched his ego and he doesn't want to stay back?
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 2 months ago.

I think right now it is still really fresh and he isnt completely certain of what he wants, but I do think that the best way to gain his attention is to focus on exactly what you offer someone. Exude confidence and exude the characteristics that drew him to you in the first place. Let him see what he is missing out on by not having you in his life. Think about the kind of woman you want to be for any partner, but mainly for yourself. Be on a frequency that allows you to demonstrate a woman that is self confident and assured.....

Customer: replied 2 months ago.
Yesterday night, he called me and came to see me. We went out for dinner and dated like nothing happened before. I would like everything keeps like this. Can you give me advice how to behave and communicate with him to make him love me more?
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 2 months ago.

I think that the key thing to do is to not add any pressure to the situation by forcing conversations about the current situation you guys are in. Continue to "date" him and enjoy each others' presence without any demands of deeper relationship discussion. Keep the focus on demonstrating your attributes of confidence and focus on what you offer; those qualities will attract him further and maintain his interest in you. I am very optimistic about this for you!

Customer: replied 2 months ago.
Thank you for your help. I'm very happy with your advice.
Customer: replied 2 months ago.
I've been headache about should I text or call him first? Because I think that when I text or call him, he is busy and can't reply me, I'll keep waiting and feel very upset. And how should I answer him when he ask me why I didn't call or text him.
The biggest problem for me is I don't know texting or calling him is the good thing for me to keep this relationship?
Customer: replied 2 months ago.
Please help me with this. I'm always confused about that.
When he asks me why I don't call or text him, I don't know how to reply to make him happy instead of being angry.
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 2 months ago.

I do think that if he is reaching out to you, he is optimistic that you are interested in him and is attempting to communicate. I would follow back up with him and say "hope to hear from you soon" or something so that he knows you are anticipating a text. It sounds like you are both attempting to understand the intentions of the other person right now, so it may be best to go ahead and let him know that there are times when you are unsure if it is a good time to text or call. You may let him know that you are trying to be considerate about his time, but also it concerns you if you don't hear from him because you are unclear on what he wants. I think that is vital for you guys to understand about one another :)

Customer: replied 2 months ago.
We have been very well since that time. Everyday he calls me. But until last night, I told him that I went to movie with my friends and would stay at their place because it was too late for me to go home. He called me and asked how many boys and girls I would go with? Kept asking about these kinds of things. I really don't like it. And very late last night, he called me that he came to my friend's place and asked me to go home with him. I refused and said that I didn't want, it was too late now. He kept asking me to go home. But I said I didn't want. I know that's because of me. Before, every time he asked me same like this I would go with him. I know he is angry now and didn't call me this morning.
Actually, I really don't want to live my life like before. Do whatever he said. Am I wrong to do something like that night while I want to keep this relationship?
I just want to let him know that I still have friends and enjoy living my own life, not always with him?
He is ignoring me now, but I don't want to call him.
What should I do now? Can you please give me your advice to deal with this guy?
Customer: replied 2 months ago.
I know I'm really complicated but I just want to draw this relationship in the way making us comfortable and enjoyable so that we can stay together forever?