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Ask TherapistMaryAnn Your Own Question
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1693
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Wow.thank u ,nice to see. I've been dating a woman for 3

Customer Question

Wow.thank u ,nice to see.
JA: The Psychologist will know what to do. Please tell me everything you can so the Psychologist can help you best.
Customer: I've been dating a woman for 3 years.ahes very submissive,and yet stubborn.not a great communicatot.things were real good.ahe last yr got a new job as a manager.she took well to her new male January I noticed she constantly woulld come home smile talk about him.ok fine.well it went on for months I noticed they woulld text n call each other ,ahe hid it didn't discuss it.very secrative.ahe is attracted to men who are she floats about how he's this and that.they communicate very well.she is happy more than any job,he's friendly,covers for her lies for I foungld out about here personal relationship.she denied this guy is in california.which one time I was meeting her for lunch he mentioned how she was the best " subordinate he ever had,and was proud she did what she was was in april he came to visit.i caught him late at night call her drunk upon arrival. I said it wasn't apropriet. She got defensive n slept on the couch all week.she said I wasn't to go to her work,don't bring lunch .it was weired.i told her calling at 12 at night was out of line.and a drunk man calling a women that late was not cool and in my book I assumed it was for something else(physical )as I heared him invite her to the hotel bar,as she smiled.this continued after he left.i confronted her again as I caught some provocative emails.talkking about he enjoyed the scenery in the car,and was proud she followed orders n made employees stay in there department while they had a fake conference call.while sleeping she said aloud anthony( boss) I'm taking my pants off now n f**k I waited a few days n spoke about it.ahe said it wasn't for 7 months all while this has been hidden and secrative she changed her phone number,new phone,and befriended me on facebook and has a phony text app?? And she never speaks a word of him no more.
JA: Is there anything else important you think the Psychologist should know?
Customer: Ya as we slept together,she is very shy in bed.very vanilla ahe blew me away n asked to role play.i played along. Ahe told me 2 separate episodes involving her boss which one included the office n how she felt secure n dominated n took her pants off n asked him to bang her.very explicit and without hesitation no thought just spewing it out almost as if I felt it was true and an admission to guilt? Second one involved the car.ironic.and I asked about bolth episodes personal questions what days condoms n without hesitation she answered immediately as if ahe was transacted it with me,including telling me she gave employees extra word n coincently she had a conference call not to come up to her office.
Submitted: 14 days ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 14 days ago.
Oh and I said why did u too this ,pretending as if it as really teue.meanwhile she is covering her mouth she said it was controll in an opposite way ,and I said why did u cheat.she said cause I was selfish.i said wow how many times she said 2x. Told me.what day when it happened in the day. I'm not sure what to think
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 7 days ago.

Are you asking if what you observed and she then said about having sex with her boss in a very submissive-role-playing way is REALLY true or only true in her fantasy? And you have said that she is very submissive in sexual encounters with you, so it seems possible that she is so enraptured with the dom/sub sexual entrancement that she doesn't have any energy for sexual relations with you unless you play into the dominating role she wants to react to. The dom/sub scripting for sexual relations is a high-emotion+erotic stimulation form of pair masturbation that falls flat if both people aren't oriented to playing their roles according to rules that haven't been worked out together. Are you saying SHE said SHE was selfish to want to act out her sub-role with the boss who was up for acting out the dom, or was she excusing herself by saying YOU were selfish?

If she was admitting SHE was selfish, then she could be willing to face the hold that compulsive dom/sub sexual acting out has over her, and you could go to a sex therapist to try to develop your own sexual life into something more spontaneous and perhaps even romantic--IF that's what you want. What do you really want in this relationship with her? You are in the 3rd year of your relationship, which is usually about as long as a romantic & sexually intense relationship lasts. So it's a natural crisis time for any love relationship, whether married or not. So she may have been sufficiently thrilled erotically with allowing your desires and actions to dominate, but not actually being able to find herself in the partnership--and this crisis she has created by cheating may be an unconscious way of trying to find a more real way for HER to be in relationship, which is also an invitation to YOU to find more spontaneous and personal ways for you to be in this relationship. Your ages and your intentions in this relationship could matter now, as you react to this shattering of the way you were up to now. What do you have in common with your partner outside of your sexual relationship that could reward you for continuing this relationship? And do your want to continuing sexual habits of domination and submissiveness for the excitement they bring? Or do you want to reach beyond to find more personal expressions of love along with the sexual habits that have carried you this far?

I think her embarrassment (covering her mouth) was proof of honesty and remorse; so she really does want to have an authentic relationship with you--and she may well realize that the dom/sub sexual compulsions are a burden that may be sabotaging her freedom to have a chance at a more personal & unique love experience with you.

Let me know if some of this makes sense to you, since I'm not entirely sure how well I understand the experience you have been having with her for these 3 years. But "submissive but stubborn" suggests to me that she's stuck on particular ways she's in the habit of being treated as a submissive partner, and you may be trying to play that role of dominator as well as it feels to you to do so, but not actually as compulsive about the dom moves as she is about the sub moves.

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