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llw26
llw26, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 189
Experience:  LCPC - 2015. Counseling skills.
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Its a super question itll just take me one second, sorry

Customer Question

its a super long question itll just take me one second, sorry haha
JA: The Psychologist will know what to do. Please tell me everything you can so the Psychologist can help you best.
Customer: so im 19 years old and i just got out of a 4 year relationship. i broke up with him initially last winter because i got bored, and we fought too much.. he was heartbroken and i decided to try and date other people but after a while i realized the grass wasnt greener on the other side. so we got back together in the spring but things just werent the same, we still hadnt done anything to fix the unnessesary fighting but we stuck it out until early december of 2016. he broke up with me this time, saying he mentally needs a break and that i would thank him later. we agreed to cut eachother off for our own good for a while, but i know hes talking to other girls already which i cant control. im not interested into talking to other guys at all because ive already been through it and realized he was the one i loved. i feel like he has to go through this to realize if he really wants to be with me or not.. i reached out to him after 2 weeks of not talking at all, basically saying sorry for never giving us space before and sayinng how i realized he was right that we needed this, and that i will never forget the 4 years i spent with him and that i still loved the same guy i knew that i met when i was just a freshman in high school. he later responded only saying "its ok" so i didnt answer, then he responded again the next day saying hes sorry for hurting me and sorry for being a peice of shit to me and that he still loves me and always will and how everything reminds him of me and that he wanted to know if i were ok. so i responded saying i was ok and not to be sorry for how he felt, and that we were only getting stronger because of this and that everything happens for a reason, and whats meant to be will always find its way back. he has read it but didnt reply, i dont know what to do from here because i still want to be with him but i dont know how to approach trying to get him back
JA: Is there anything else important you think the Psychologist should know?
Customer: no
Submitted: 6 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  llw26 replied 6 months ago.

Hello, my name is Lindsey. Please give me a moment to read what you've written.

Expert:  llw26 replied 6 months ago.

It may be that he's mulling over how to respond or what his options may be. How long has it been since you sent that last message?

Customer: replied 6 months ago.
he sent his message yesterday morning and i replied a few hours later, so yesterday. Im just stuck because i have so much hope that we will get back together again one day but im scared if i keep giving him space then hes just going to find someone else so i dont want to get my hopes up. hes a very stubborn person
Customer: replied 6 months ago.
Hello?
Expert:  llw26 replied 6 months ago.
My apologies for not responding sooner. So I would give him a few days (like 3) to respond. If he doesn't then I would follow-up. You want to give him some space, so he can think about what he wants in life. If he's overcrowded he may do the opposite of what you're hoping for.
Customer: replied 6 months ago.
A lot of people are telling me to just wait until he contacts me... they think that if he really wanted to talk to me he would, am I wrong if I do reach out again?
Expert:  llw26 replied 6 months ago.

I don't think you're wrong if you reach out - however, I would give him time to respond. Give him a chance to contact you first. This day in age, we are so quick to respond... when sometimes people need time to think over what they want to say or think more about their thoughts/feelings.

Customer: replied 6 months ago.
What is your opinion on not contacting him at all and waiting for him to initiate the contact? This is the advice everyone is giving me but I feel like it would take forever. I'm also scared that if I do reach out, he won't reply
Expert:  llw26 replied 6 months ago.
If it were me, I would wait for him to contact me. I know it's difficult to sit and wait and the anxiety and fear of the unknown are high; however, I think giving him his time, is what is necessary here. Additionally, as you noted, he may not respond if you reach out again and that might be very hurtful and lead to additional questions or concerns.
Customer: replied 6 months ago.
Ok.. that helps, that's what a lot of people are telling me to do to
Customer: replied 6 months ago.
I have one more question, so the last time we saw eachother in person we agreed to meet on valentine's day to talk and see where everything is at. We haven't mentioned it over text at all since then, do I still reach out to him closure to valentine's day? Or do I wait for him to be the one to reach out & if he doesn't then just assume it's not happening
Expert:  llw26 replied 6 months ago.
I wouldn't assume. Maybe the day before check and ask if you're still on for whatever you had planned.
Customer: replied 6 months ago.
Ok that's trye
Customer: replied 6 months ago.
My problem is that I always over think too much with it all
Expert:  llw26 replied 6 months ago.
that makes sense - most of us do it. Especially in anxiety provoking situations. I'd try to find something to occupy your time/mind. It'll be challenging and I know that it'll be something that is helpful, so you don't drive yourself crazy!
Customer: replied 6 months ago.
He just answered and said "I'm good" , I think that referenced towards me saying I want to know if he's ok
Expert:  llw26 replied 6 months ago.
Ah, okay. Well I'm glad he texted you back and that he's well.
Customer: replied 6 months ago.
Should I answer?
Customer: replied 6 months ago.
Should I answer?
Expert:  llw26 replied 6 months ago.

You could respond with "glad to hear" but he didn't ask anything in his response back... which tells me he might not be interested in engaging in a conversation.

Customer: replied 6 months ago.
Yeah I don't think i will ... I'll give it a week or so
Expert:  llw26 replied 6 months ago.

I think that's a wise decision. You could also wait, like we spoke about earlier re: valentines day.

Customer: replied 6 months ago.
That's true. I guess I've had a lot of trouble trying to understand how to go about this
Expert:  llw26 replied 6 months ago.

That makes sense, it sounds like you still want a relationship with him and it's almost as if the roles were reversed from the first time yall broke up - he's trying to find himself, like you were trying to find you. Did he provide you time/space to figure that out? If so, I'd provide him the same respect. It can be very challenging and emotionally draining when all you want to do is be together; however, I would try to work on getting out of the house and being active - this will help lessen your anxiety and provide an opportunity to try new things.

Customer: replied 6 months ago.
he gave me space but still talked to me once in a while
Customer: replied 6 months ago.
Him and I share the same interest in tattoos and I just recently got one I was going to tell him and send a picture or something but idk if that's too soon
Expert:  llw26 replied 6 months ago.

Okay, I gottcha. I think I'd do the same then. I'd wait a bit to share the news of the new tattoo, maybe in a couple weeks? You oculd send something that says Just wanted to say hi and see how you're doing, I also wanted to let you know I got a new tattoo (insert picture).

Customer: replied 6 months ago.
Yeah that sounds good, thank you for your help! I know i over think way too much but I'm going to try and work on myself and see where's things end up
Expert:  llw26 replied 6 months ago.

Of course! Glad I could help. Know you're not alone in that, many of us overthink everything! I think it's a great idea to work on you - that can only help to improve your future relationships with everyone in your life. Was there anything else I can help you with?

Customer: replied 6 months ago.
Basically the only other thing is my fear he's going to find someone else during this whole thing I guess that's really why I want to stay in contact so much
Expert:  llw26 replied 6 months ago.

Makes sense, your fear is valid and I would encourage you to not dwell on that factor (again, easier said than done). If you spend most your time/days dwelling on this, you're not truly living life.

Customer: replied 6 months ago.
That's true... I guess I tell myself that I went through the same thing and I ended up having a small fling with a different guy during the time we were broken up last year but after a while I realized I missed jake and it wasn't the same without him so I guess I tell myself that if it's meant to be jake will realize the same overtime
Expert:  llw26 replied 6 months ago.

Exactly. It will be challenging and you also have to allow him time to figure out what he wants in life, just as you did.

Customer: replied 6 months ago.
That's true , I'll give it time
Expert:  llw26 replied 6 months ago.

Great!

Customer: replied 6 months ago.
Thanks for the help, I've asked a ton of people for advice and pretty much everyone has been saying the same thing as you did, you helped a lot!
Expert:  llw26 replied 6 months ago.
Of course. I'm glad I could assist.
Customer: replied 6 months ago.
Hi lynsdey, I was wondering if I could update you with some things I'm confused about
Expert:  llw26 replied 6 months ago.

Yes, that's fine! What's going on?

Customer: replied 6 months ago.
I reached out to Jake on Sunday asking about valentine's day and he answered and said yes, then later that day he asked if I wanted to go over to his house so we could talk and be alone so I did. I ended up sleeping over and we had an awesome time and he told me how much he missed me and loved me and all that, we haven't had a good time like that in probably over a year. . I'm supposed to cut his hair tomorrow but I lost one of my earrings I had on so I messaged him to see if he could keep his eye out for it but he didn't answer so I'm a little confused I guess, I don't want to get my hopes up
Expert:  llw26 replied 6 months ago.

Hm, that is confusing! I don't want to seem crass or like I'm getting too into your personal business, but did you two engage in any sexual activity? If you don't want to answer that is totally fine.

Customer: replied 6 months ago.
we did but I know this sounds stupid to say but it wasn't like just for sex like it meant a lot more out of love if that makes sense lik3 it was more romantic then sexual if that even makes sense lol
Expert:  llw26 replied 6 months ago.

Yes, I get what you're saying. Were there any thoughts on your part at any time that this may be a "booty call?" Unless something happened to him, it just is odd that he hasn't responded. Has it been awhile since you messaged him?

Customer: replied 6 months ago.
no, he asked me to hangout with his friends and he got happy when I told him I could cut his hair and we talk3d a lot
Expert:  llw26 replied 6 months ago.

Ah okay. Well that's a good sign that yall were able to talk and get things out in the open. I guess I wouldn't put too much thought into it and see what happens tomorrow when you cut his hair.

Customer: replied 6 months ago.
Do I message him in the morning though asking what time?
Expert:  llw26 replied 6 months ago.

Did yall set up a time on Sunday? If not, then yes I would.

Customer: replied 6 months ago.
It's tomorrow, we planned to do it on wednesday... I'll ask tomorrow morning I guess
Customer: replied 6 months ago.
Yesterday he had work all day then he moved back into school (he goes to school in the same town I live in) so I'm thinking he was just busy getting his stuff together and reuniting with his friends. I'm just over thinking it though but I remember during the summer when we broke up, whenever we would hangout I always felt a little sad afterwards because I knew it wasn't the same for either of us but after hanging out with him the other day I felt happy and sure we both had an awesome time. The whole time he put in most of the effort and made sure I gave him a hug and kiss goodbye and said I love you so I'm just confused idk
Expert:  llw26 replied 6 months ago.

Yeah, that would work - just text him in the morning. That is confusing. I think at some point you have to determine for yourself how long you're willing to wait. You have to weigh the options and which is best for you.

Customer: replied 6 months ago.
I know. I made th3 conclusion tonight that I think him and I need more space because I know i still want it more than him...should I still message him about the hair cut or should I message him saying I don't think it's a good idea and to stick to the valentine's day plan? Or should I just not say anything at all
Customer: replied 6 months ago.
I messages him saying how I didn't think it's a good idea if I cut his hair because if we keep seeing eachother than this whole thing would be for nothing and that we should stick to our valentine's day plan. I also said I have a lot of work to do for myself still and that I know he still needs time and that I remember last year when the roles were switched that he gave me the time I needed which helped me a lot
Customer: replied 6 months ago.
Sorry for all the messages) he replied and said he agrees with everything I said and that he'll see me on valentine's day
Expert:  llw26 replied 6 months ago.
I think that's a very mature decision on your part. Nice work! I hope you do something for you today. As we spoke about before that should help.
Customer: replied 6 months ago.
Me too. I'm glad I said what I did, I hope it turns out for the best! I'm also glad he agrees and that we are still going to meet on valentine's day
Expert:  llw26 replied 6 months ago.
I'm glad you feel comfortable with your decision. Best of luck on v-day!
Customer: replied 6 months ago.
Me too , thanks for all your help
Expert:  llw26 replied 6 months ago.

No problem!

Customer: replied 6 months ago.
Hi lynsdey, so Jake messaged me the other day saying he found my earring and I said I'd just get it on the 14th. Then I messaged him a few days later saying "hey you don't have to answer this but I found our old bucket list we made and thought it was cool to know that we actually managed to do everything on the list today". I just also found out this morning he is talking to a new girl, idk how to feel
Expert:  llw26 replied 6 months ago.

Hi - Well, as we discussed previously, he is figuring out what he wants and part of that is talking to other people. It may be upsetting but allow him to explore what his wishes are. How'd you find out? I would stop all contact with him until yall meet up in Feb. I know it'll be difficult to do, but there's this lingering attachment and it just doesn't seem beneficial or you or him.

Customer: replied 6 months ago.
That's my plan. He messaged me last night about the amazon account we share, what he said was very irrelevant & he was being overly nice... I stopped answering after a few messages because I thought it was weird he messages me at 11 pm about this which was probably right after he hungout with that girl. And a mutual friend told me
Expert:  llw26 replied 6 months ago.

Ah, gottcha.

Excellent - glad we're on the same page! I think that will be healthy for you.

Customer: replied 6 months ago.
Me too