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A little background, I was hanging near a bar with friends…

A little background, I was...
A little background, I was hanging near a bar with friends and this guy said something to me but I didn't pay attention. His friend told me he liked me and according to my friend he was staring at me all night. Eventually my friends left and the guy and I stayed talking and he left his friends to go with me to another bar however I got pretty intoxicated and he took me back to his place so I could sober up but I guess I got a bit promiscuous and initiated things sexually. We ended up sleeping together and it was amazing. He texted me the next day, we then went on a couple of dates and the most that happened by the second date was a kiss, the convo and chemistry was definitely there. He always asked me questions about the future and places he could see me living at, I guess it was his way of testing me since he's active in the military. this past Friday I had invited him to hang out with me after happy hour, he said it was guy night but will try to convince his friends to meet up with me and my friends, later on he said he ended up calling it a night and went home. Only problem was that my really drunk friend saw this message and thought it was a booty call when it clearly wasn't, she then snatched my phone and sent very vulgar messages to him, he even went on to reply thinking it was me and saying vulgar things as well. My anxiety hit the roof, so I called him and apologized and explained to him it wasn't me, at this point I'm thinking he probably doesn't believe me so I went to his place which was walking distance of where I was at, to tell him I'm not that type of girl, I'm not a booty call (i was buzzed so when my friends kept insisting it was a booty call I started to believe it). Instead I got scared and just told him that even thought it bothered me that my friends sent those messages it bothered me even more the way he was replying. He said he'd make up for it and agreed to take things slow with me, I ended up sleeping over and changed into the clothes he gave me but then I initiated sex with him. The next morning he asked me if I wanted coffee and jokingly asked if that was the reason I stayed over, I played along. He then complimented me saying I looked cuter in his clothes and asked my day plans and then I asked his. At one point he stared at me and said I look tired and I jokingly threw his blanket at him and said "thanks for making me feel self conscious" but then I did decide to change and head back home. When he walked me down he didn't hug me or kiss me, which he usually does and just said "good bye, see you soon" and that was it. Maybe I was overthinking but things just felt different and I was still anxious from the nights events, so I had an anxiety attack and when I got home sent him a text saying "I know I just left your place but Is it possible if we could talk?" Literally crickets. It's been over 48 hours, I definitely regret sending that text because I feel like it might've scared him away. I just want to fix things, I really liked this guy and the way things happened Friday night was just tragic. Things were going so well between him and I prior to Friday and I just want a second chance.
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Answered in 6 minutes by:
12/5/2016
TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,930
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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I am sorry things have gone downhill around this situation. I know you want to fix things and just talk, but I think if you keep texting him, it will not help and may even push him further away. I know it is hard, but I would now pull back a bit and let him reach out if he feels the desire. He has your text and he knows how to reach you so he will if he wants. I know you are anxious and scared so just breathe and let things play out as they will and try not to force things.

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CounselorJules
CounselorJules, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 828
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor
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Good morning. I hope that I can add to some of the advice or the answer that you have received. It sounds like you really had a magical night and it felt really nice to be with him but you struggle a bit with the vulnerability that occurred after the intimacy. You guys sound like you are in early stages where things are confusing at times and taking it to a level of sexual closeness just capitalizes that for you. I can understand the anxiety about it all. You aren't really that sure of his intentions, maybe not even that sure of your own, but it does sound like you "like" him. I think that things can get lost in context during text messages-- no tone, body language, etc to judge the situation by. In your mind, you were discussing your vulnerability, but you sound like you are afraid that when he processed it, it may have come across as something other than you intended.

It has been 48 hours, so maybe enough time has passed that you both have been able to think about the interactions and you could actually have a more mature and honest conversation with him about your own anxiety, what drove your behaviors, and also where you would like to go from here. It sounds like he is playful and understanding but you guys are still figuring out those boundaries. Yes, he does have your number and could reach out to you, but sometimes when a certain amount of time goes by, it does feel awkward to initiate the communication. What about trying to speak to him in person? You may have a different reaction if you went by. You could always come from the perspective of seeking closure and you may never know the outcome if you don't attempt it. You guys both are probably just really unsure of the direction to take..... What are your thoughts on that?

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Yeah that makes sense to me. It just feels like my anxiety is getting in the way and I guess I'll have to explain that to him. Am I suppose to reach out to him via text ora call to see if he could meet up with me? At this point it feels like him still not reaching out to me after the one text I sent Saturday is his way of saying he's over it so I don't know what else to do.

You know, I think that it is easy to feel anxious about this situation. Not knowing what he is thinking could really hamper what direction you feel that you should take, but I think that you would feel better at least trying to reach out to him and you can really only control what you do, not what he "may" do. So, if you feel led to speak to him, I would offer a call or even drop by. I think a lot more is accomplished by a face to face meeting. It does not have to feel like "stalker-like behaviors" or reflect a "neediness." It can be more about being "congruent" and authentic with someone. If he does not accept that, then his reactions are more telling about his character than yours. You can only decide to try and if he rejects the opportunity to have a mature conversation, than it suggest that right now is not the time for the development of a relationship. Our experiences that feel like failures are really the makings of opportunities. It suggests that you can try something different in the future, be mindful of your long term goals in situations, and try to respond to situations with less fear or anxiety and with more honesty. There is nothing to be ashamed of in "trying."

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I hope that this has been helpful and that you will provide a positive rating (3 stars or better) for the answer that you have received. You can do this by clicking on the rating button and providing a score. The communication does not have to cease if you provide a rating, but it is the only way that the experts receive credit. My goal is to provide with you excellent service. I wish you the best and if you need further clarification, please feel free to ask more questions. I can also send more specific resources if necessary for you! Thank you! Jules

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
I did have one question, you said I struggled with the vulnerability after intimacy. How so? I will probably give him a call later on this weeks ask to meet up because I can't just show up to his place, it's a very safe apartment building.Thank you for your help, it's been super insightful for me and has calmed me down a bit.
I'm really glad it was helpful. My statement about vulnerability was related to possibly feeling anxious or somewhat insecure after having been with him. Maybe you weren't sure of how to take his comments because you felt a bit "exposed?" Just a possibility or thought :) I think it is fairly normal to feel that way....
CounselorJules
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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Ahhhh okay makes sense! Thank you
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