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I am a mother of two boys who are 10 and the other will be…

I am a mother...

I am a mother of two boys who are 10 and the other will be 12 on Christmas Eve. Me and their father have been divorced for over 8 years and he has primary custody and up until this past November 8 I have been alienated from them and only allowed to see them for 8 hours a month which was every second and fourth Sunday a month. Since our divorce their dad has had3 daughters with two different women and has recently got married which is his third marriage well this wife was told her whole life that she can't have kids well now she is pregnant with a boy. I have also remarried 3 months after our divorce and I have a 5 year old daughter. My ex husband has brought to my attention that my oldest son has been experiencing bad attitude with everyone cussing and flipping people off and this past Tuesday he was doing a book report and that he had two books on the floor one was for the book report but the other one had no relevance to the book report. Well his little brother picked up the book that had no relevance to the report and my oldest son got mad they started calling names and then got into a physical fight which my oldest son body slammed my youngest son on to a concrete floor. Also I did have a talk with my oldest son over the phone and said that when I call in two days I hope I get a good report. I was informed yesterday that my oldest son has been lieing about washing his hair and body and lied for two weeks about brushing his teeth. I have had to get use to the fact that I always get blamed for things like this. But since court on November 8,2016 I had my third judge and third attorney but I also had my very first victory. The judge has basically given me a clean slate and now I get to see them every Sunday for four hours and after the first three visits I get one hour unsupervised which is part of the whole transition process that the judge has designed his self. Now my ex husband has asked for me to talk to my oldest son about everything that has transpired. I'm very nervous and I'm still working on building a foundation with my sons and then work on building a relationship with them. I'm also on ssi for mental impairments which I am treated and have been for years. Please say you can help me

Expert's Assistant: This sounds like a can of worms I'm glad not to have to open. The Psychologist will do a great job for you. Is there anything else important you think the Psychologist should know?

Me and my psychiatrist stay in touch and we even text if I'm having an issue. But how do I handle this situation with my oldest son

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Answered in 1 hour by:
12/3/2016
Rev.Dr. August Abbott
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7,881
Experience: Ordained minister: Counselor (spiritual/life)
Verified

It's quite unfair of your ex or anyone for that matter to burden you with the disciplinary issues all by yourself. It's time for this extended family to come together for the sake of these children and land on the same page when it comes to rules, restrictions and discipline.

Ideally, ALL of you should have a counselor that can both guide you all to the same goal and offer tools best suited to get you there.

You are more experienced, from what I can gather, with not only getting the help you need, but implementing it and probably the most vital need for success, you are open minded to it rather than on the defensive about it

I would expect that others in the extended family will not feel it's necessary for them and to these individuals you might calmly respond with something like: "Oh of course you don't need this counseling for yourself, but it's important that you're there to hear the counselor's recommendations first hand and find out if there's anything you can help with". That's a non threatening statement that absolves the individual(s) of any wrongdoing in these relationships (even if they have issues that actually DO contribute to the problem)

If others won't join you then just you and your children should go. The kids need to feel they have some control too. The angry son is acting out probably because he doesn't know what else to do. At this age they only THINK they're experts on life and the world - when they come up against something that isn't 'perfect', it can confuse them which often results in angry outbursts.

They need to learn how to react in a more acceptable way and how to implement behaviors that defuse the situation rather than escalate it.

I've actually met an incredible of adults with this problem too. It's sad to see grown people lashing out like a toddler when life doesn't go their way.

So, for now, just calmly talk to your son (just the two of you) and tell him you understand why he lashed out at his brother. You also believe that even if he doesn't want to admit it, he feels bad that he hurt his brother and that you want to figure things out WITH him as your renewed relationship becomes established. Tell him that YOU need the counselor in order to understand and you'd like him to go with you to help even more. This way you absolve him of being the problem and give him the honor of being part of the solution

I know by your recounting of your history that you can do this. While at one time you might have been the 'outsider' in this family dynamic, you just may be the one to rescue this family dynamic going forward.

Rev.Dr. August Abbott
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7,881
Experience: Ordained minister: Counselor (spiritual/life)
Verified
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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
I totally agree with you on this matter. Both of my sons are seeing a counselor and I have also seen her a total of four times and she straight up referred to me as ( crazy ) which she also referred to her other patients as crazy. Another issue is that this counselor has family ties with my ex husbands family. I have tried many many times to mend things so that me and my husband and their dad and stepmom could work as a team. Every time I was threatened of losing my visitations and joint custody. My visitations have been took then given back and over and over. Since our last court hearing the judge made it clear in open court that my ex husband nor his family can ever do that to me anymore. I have had problems on how to feel and what type of emotion to show. I thought I would be super excited and everything. But for some reason it's like I'm so shocked of my first victory that I'm numb. Like I'm waiting for the next shoe to drop. I really am afraid of failing. My oldest son a few months ago was admitted to the psychiatric unit at children's hospital for having two very detailed plans to commit suicide. Because he was told that I was going to sign my rights over and that I didn't want to be his mother anymore. I kept calling my ex husband to find out things about him but was told that he was waiting for the therapist to give him a green light so I could see him and find out some information. On the night of his second day of the hospital, I prayed to God that I could find a way to see my son and speak with the doctor. The next morning I woke up with the idea to contact the director of the unit. So I did and he gave me a clear and transferred me to the therapist which I was able to have my own password ***** visit him, which I was already on the interstate headed to the hospital. When I arrived I found out that my ex husband had admitted him using my maiden name, not his legal name. Long story short I seen him and he was so happy to see me that he was in tears. I also told him how much I love him and that I would never give up on him and that I will always be his mother. Next thing I knew he went from being emotionally unstable to being very happy and stable and was discharged the next day. This has been very hard to deal with and now I don't know what to do or say next.
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