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Had a breakup with someone with avoidant attachment style…

Had a breakup with someone...
Had a breakup with someone with avoidant attachment style over things that seems non major. He acknowledged that he blowed things out of proportion and made matters much bigger than it is. However he thinks it is the right decision because of his commitment issue and it is also unfair to me.He is not feeling good, felt hurt (I thought I get hurt more lol) and still misses me. But he doesn't reach out to me. He told me he cares about me and I can feel free to contact him to talk.What is the best way for me to do? I don't want to feel like I am the one who contact him. Although if I don't contact him, would an avoidant eventually felt the pressure and reach out? Or they will hold on to their ego and resist their urge to reach out?It is harder moving on when you feel like it ended too abruptly because no one did things terribly wrong. Yet he felt so overwhelmed because of his attachment style.
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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Ps he felt bad that I hurt his ego but I think he is more insecure which caused him to create distorted version of the truth and he is basically hitting himself assuming other people's fault. How do I make him realize this?What is the best way to deal with avoidant people after breakup?
Answered in 19 hours by:
11/23/2016
llw26
llw26, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 228
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Hi my name is ***** ***** I hope I can help - please give me a moment to read what you wrote to see if I can help.

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Some questions for you - Do the things that you broke up over seem non-major to you or to him? Because even if he said he blew things out of proportion - he may actually feel/believe that what yall broke up over, was major.

If he is not reaching out to you - do you still want to be in the relationship? It takes two to be in a relationship, not one... if he's putting it out there that he wants you to contact him - it does not sound like he is interested in the relationship. Most individuals who want to be with someone are active in their pursuit to engage in a relationship - even those with avoidant attachment styles. It also sounds like he has a lot of work to do on himself, prior to engaging in a committed relationship.

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Hi...I wouldn't know what he is thinking in tremors honest way. My guessing is he probably felt major but then he reminds himself well it is because of his issue that he'd think this way. But what do you think?That is actually a question for you. What is he thinking that he'd wait for me to contact him? He left his door open rather than reaching out to me. He did ask me what I want him to do. If I want him to call me that is ok. But I didn't give him an answer. I felt like if he wants to reach out he will feel the urge to do so without me telling him what to do.What is the best way to deal with avoidant people after a breakup?

To answer your first question, I would think he likely felt they were major - if he wanted to do things a certain way or think about things in a certain way - a healthy relationship will engage a dialogue, not shutting one another down (not saying this is what happened, just providing an example). There's always going to be things you or your partner become annoyed with and it's asking yourself can I live with this or no? Maybe we can have a dialogue and discuss the issue and maybe it will change, but maybe it won't and if it doesn't - am I okay with it, is he?

For the second question - I have no idea what he'd be thinking as he waits for you to contact him. As you noted, he left the door open instead of reaching out to you. Doesn't matter if he asked you and you didn't respond, he still isn't... in my mind that's someone who isn't interested in a relationship. If you wanted to try to have a solid answer you could ask - however, it may be that he does not give you an answer, provides an answer that leaves you up to wondering (like what's happening now) or he could say he is not interested. This also somewhat answers your third question - if you want to reach out to him and be okay as just friends, then do so - if not, then I would just leave the relationship where it is now. It sucks having to end a relationship like this; however, that's the reality sometimes. He can't always hide behind having an avoidant personality style. I see that as being an excuse for his behavior.

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Thanks!According to what he told me, he thinks because of his commitment issue, he blow things out of proportion. It looks bigger to him but he seems realize he made it look bigger because he his psychological problems. He has avoidant attachment style. This is their traits. But what do you think? Is he honest or he is using his past issues as an excuse to lean on?I see that as being an excuse for his behavior.
- wow so you think he is using it as an excuse, not because it is really bothering him(his commitment issue)?He says he thought he could make the relationship work. But as I talked about a bad ex again he felt he failed as a bf and start questioning our relationship for the first time. Then when a trash friend of his flirted with him online and I express I am really hurt, he started feeling hurt as well,But outrageously he didn't stop liking her photos. Which made me complain more and more. Our vibes got worse and worse . Then when I talked about his look in a negative way for the second time. It became the last straw in our relationship. I do th No he is too insecure and blow out of proportion for sure.He said because I talked about the ex and his look, he can't see a future with me but we could still be friends. I told him nothing major happened between us. He said once something gets into his head he could never forget.Two weeks later he finally decided to breakup officially and told me he did deeper soul search and realized it is his commitment issue that made him blow things out of proportion. He is not a relationship material and it is not me, it is him. I deserve someone better because he can't give 100%.While it is true he has commitment issue, I still wonder if he is just using it as an excuse. He never had any relationship longer than 6 months in his life and he doesn't like women to get close to him. He denies it is because he wants to date around. He figured out he doesn't want a relationship with anyone and he doesn't want anyone to depend on him or he depend on anyone. He wants to be alone. But in the end he still get to date around right? So I just question if he just want to play around, especially he didn't liked it when I didn't want him to engage with the trashy friend. He told me she is simply a friend yet he still engaged with him regardless of my feelings and put her ahead of me. He said he just doesn't want me to control him.So I have all these resentment going on, feeling pissed that he gave up so easily and quickly, which I better explain as he wants to have open options. Yet he said if is because of his commitment issue and he doesn't want a relationship. But guys say this too when they don't want to date a woman any more. So I am confused!What do you think?
Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Initially I felt bad I talked about an ex and his look. Reminds him I complimented him more than I put him down doesn't help. He only let the bad things get into his head.But then I realized he talked negatively about relationship all the time, insulted me many times with his doubt in our relationship as well (not personal but because he is a commitment phobia me always). And engaging with that friend online is much worse and hurt me and him badly. So I couldn't understand why he felt hurt and he felt I am not a future material when he has done worse yet he hold things against me that we couldn't date any more. Of course he blame himself: that he has commitment issue and he can't help it. So breakup is better for both of us.That makes me question if he is just a short term fun guy who will get out as soon as the good time is gone. He choose to exit even he acknowledges I am the best girl he had in 10 years.
Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Oh I see this pattern as well: he will do things that piss you off, whether intentional or not. When you respond in certain way, say he didn't call one day, when he called you the next day, you are pissed off and so you are cold and kept the call short. Then he felt pissed you treated him this way even he caused you to act this way. But he will never see it back to him. All he sees is how you treated him. Then he might not get over with it. At certain point he just felt there is too much drama and he calls it quit, even he is the one created the situation to fail, he only sees how he feels when you act in those situations.

It's possible that he's using this as an excuse - unless he has a documented avoidant personality disorder from a reputable clinician - actually even if he has a well-documented history of APD - that's not an excuse to act a certain way - most individuals with mental health problems want to work toward getting better, not remaining the same. It also sounds like there's a large lack of trust in your relationship with him. It may be that he only likes the honeymoon period of a relationship and soon as that's over, he's done with the relationship - whether it was a great relationship or not. As for your last statement, it sounds like he has a lot to work on for himself. It doesn't sound like you're all that interested in continuing to try in the relationship either - which I think most people would agree with. It just doesn't sound like it was a good fit.

Was there anything else I can help you with? If not, please rate me based on the level of service you believe I provided you. Thank you and best of luck!

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
actually even if he has a well-documented history of APD - that's not an excuse to act a certain way - most individuals with mental health problems want to work toward getting better, not remaining the same.
- so what do you think is the real reason?He only likes the honeymoon stage
- are you suggesting he is a player?
Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Thanks!

To answer your first question - it's possible. Since I don't know him, the answer is somewhat up in the air - however, he is not putting forth effort to maintain a relationship with you - it's not fair to you or the relationship you had/want to have. It also sounds like he may need to do some growing-up.

To answer your second question - again, since I don't know him, it is possible. During a honeymoon phase - things are GREAT! People act somewhat like themselves; however, generally not 100% true to themselves. So then once the honeymoon phase is over, a persons quirks and other things come out - some people do no like this, thus only remaining in relationships for the duration of the honeymoon phase and avoiding conflict and other aspects of relationships and getting to know someone. I guess it also depends on how you define "player" - in my mind that's someone who engages in sexual activity with many individuals in a short period of time and does not have a committed relationship really with anyone - or they may act like they're in a relationship; however, it's fake.

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Hi so regarding my first question, you said it is an excuse. So what do you think is the real reason he wants to breakup. He kept saying it is the truth that these superficial fights brought lights to his personal issue. He doesn't think it is the fights that we broke up. It is his commitment issue (so everything looks more serious and major than it really is)
Customer reply replied 1 year ago
I mean he use his personal issue as an excuse, but really he just think it is getting boring, and he has no freedom to flirt around, or the fights give him headache whether it is indeed minor or not. By not commuting to anyone, he can always enjoy many females - and he might even subconsciously being a player. I don't know. Do you have any insights?He insisted it is his personal issue and he is not a player.
Customer reply replied 1 year ago
By not commiting*
Customer reply replied 1 year ago
When he does things to piss people off but only blame them for giving him drama when they react to his not so good behaviors, is it just immaturity, jerk or some kind of psychological issue?

It is possible that it's an excuse - I'm not sure what other reasons he would have to break-up with you, as I don't know your relationship. They may have not been superficial fights to him - they may have been the reasons as to why he wanted to break-up. Since I don't know him or your relationship, it is hard for me to determine what the real reason is as to why yall broke up. It is also possible that yall broke-up because he does want to be with other women - or maybe he truly does want to work on himself. And if that's the case, then allow him that time to work on himself. In doing things to piss other people off - it could be any of the three you listed out - again, since I don't know him - I cannot answer which of the three it is. However, based on what you've said about him, it may be a lack of maturity.

Was there anything else I can help you with? If not, please rate me based on the services you believe were provided to you. Thank you and best of luck!

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Ok I have one more question:
Do you think normal people would get agitated by one comment and would never get over it? Eg I commented on his look and he would want to blatantly breakup and he can't simply get over with it. Is this pretty normal reaction for most people?
Customer reply replied 1 year ago
do you think most people would breakup because of those things I described that happened between us?If it is not superficial reason to him then what is he really thinking or possible things that he might be thinking about me?He told me I made him feel inadequate about himself. So he thinks we are not right for each other and we don't have a future. But then later he said he realized it is him, it is his commitment issue which he always have. That made him blow out of proportion and made things look way bigger than it is. He insists this is the real reason but I still wonders what if he is just being nice, trying to avoid fights/conflicts....

Most people I think would be hurt by that type of comment. It may be that it was a final straw for him? It sounds like there's a lot of dynamics within the relationship that weren't able to be worked through. It may be that he is trying to avoid the discussion; however, it sounds like he was really hurt by how you made him feel. If he's still interested in a relationship and you are as well - that would be something to discuss and work through. You don't want your partner making you feel inadequate - you want them to make you feel uplifted and adequate in most areas of life.

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
I agree most people wouldn't like to hear it and it is not pleasant. But will most breakup because of it?I think he made my meaning much more magnified than it is and he twisted the story a bit as well. I was casual when bringing up those remarks and at least the tone isn't in attack mode. Despite explaining to him, it doesn't help much. Plus he did things not so right as well, probably worse. E.g. his flirting and continued photo likings are quite beyond the line despite I told him again and again but he brushed my feeling away.And he was quite insulting many times with his comments on our future, his pessimistic view of us and relationship in general etc. The only difference is I didn't let these negative thoughts of his bother me too much or blow up like he did. Based on his logic, I should! Because it is quite insulting as well. But I am more secure while he is more insecure so he let things bothered him a lot.He seems pretty firm on the breakup. He did mention if he ever change (his commitment issue), then maybe we could get back together. But at this stage he seems realize being single is the best resolution for himself to avoid emotional dramas and responsibilities.Ps. because I didn't ask him to contact me (if I did at the time he asked, he would), and then I blamed him so many times regarding his faults in breakup, he started backing off and told me we shouldn't be in touch since it is always blaming and negative stuffs. Then I wouldn't want to contact him either unless he initiate because I don't want to feed his ego that his ex is contacting him again. In the meanwhile, he is refraining himself from contacting me as well because he might be afraid that I will take it as he is interested in getting back together. So what do you think I should do in this dilemma situation? Despite he is not contacting me, he is obviously still paying attention to my online behaviors. I think he still has feeling for me and he misses me, yet I couldn't believe he could be so diplomatic to stay in breakup.
Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Lol I definitely made much more uplifting remarks to him than the negative ones. He learned so much from me and I am sure I impacted him a lot. He thinks I am the best girl in his 10 years dating life. Yet he could let a few negative incidence bother him so much and cloud all the bigger positive ones. When I wrote to this point, I start thinking yeah he is right, it is probably his avoidance attachment style issue that he is blowing out of proportions.

I think if it affected the person that much, then yes. Some people may be able to brush off comments like that, others won't be able to. I also think it might be best for you that you're not together - it sounds like a very draining relationship! He may still be interested, but if I were you - I'd move forward in my life. It doesn't do anyone any good to stay in the pst.

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
But would you say maybe it is his avoidant issue that he'd let the comment matter so much to him?Not sure why you think he is interested. He keeps our memory but made it firm that we should move on and he wants no relationship with anyone.

I don't know if it's related to his avoidant problems. It's possible. Based on what you said previously, is how I came to my conclusions. If he's made it clear that he is not interested, then I would move forward with your life. It's unfortunate the way it had to happen; however, it sounds like he does not want a relationship (friendship or otherwise) from what you're saying here. It's difficult to answer some of these questions, as I do not know you or him personally. Again though - if he's said he is not interested, then I would move forward.

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Thanks. My point is regardless it is not very normal to have such a huge reaction on someone's comment even it is not pleasant for many to hear.
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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
On the surface that is how it appears. In essence they will never be able to maintain any long term relationships as you see they are highly sensitive and can't get over what they are fussed about.
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