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CounselorJules, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 792
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor
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I need some feedback on something. I need to make sure im

Customer Question

Hi, I need some feedback on something. I need to make sure im not being unreasonable So Chris and I just came back from CA visiting my parents. He met them and it went great. We didn't spend all our time at their house because I didn't want to overwhelm him. We also stayed in a hotel. Well for thanksgiving we are going to his parents house which is about a***** Ive only met them once. And we stayed at their house for 2 days. Ill admit, those 2 days were long for me because we literally didn't go anywhere and it felt weird staying with Chris in a room there. They also asked me a lot of questions and i was ok with it but I did find it to be a lot for me. We are in our 30s and I preferred some space. Well we are going again, staying in their home again and he wants to stay their 4 days. There are no plans to do anything except a restaurant. He wants us to stay at home the whole time. So I asked if we could spend a few hours shopping after thanksgiving. He said no his mom didn't want to fight the crowds. So I said why cant we go alone for a bit. He got upset and said no. So I told him, im a bit overwhelmed. He is pushing too much. I love his parents but I need some space. 4 days there all day is too much for me without any break. I already feel anxious just sleeping there. So his response was he was done with the conversation. It makes me upset because I feel like he isn't taking my feelings into account. He gets upset me say anything at all about family. I love his parents. Its not about them. Its just I need space as an adult. I don't think asking to go to the mall a few hours on our own for a break if they don't want to join should be a big deal. I don't know., im getting so anxious I almost want to say forget it. I don't think its fair to just put me in that position.
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 11 months ago.

Hi,I'm Jules, a LPC,I am reviewing your question now, and will post back with your thorough reply briefly :)

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 11 months ago.

I am about to start a counseling session in the clinic. If you don't mind the delay, I will be back asap! So Sorry!!

Customer: replied 11 months ago.
ok no prob
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
well it got so much worse. I asked him to calm down. Consider my feelings. He told me let it go not a big deal. I said it bothers me. I want to feel comfortable and now im feeling pressured. I told him he does get very sensitive about his family and I love his family. Not about that. It got to the point I said maybe I should stay home. Then agreed with him with him that wouldn't be a great idea. So now he is telling me he is coming home late tonight. He is upset with me. That I did this to him. That he doesn't like I mention his family and that he wont put up with it. I have no idea what I did wrong.
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 11 months ago.

I think that something to consider is that all relationships are built on compromise. Maybe you guys can work this out to where everyone benefits. I think I would mention to him that you desire the opportunity to spend time with his family, but also want him to feel like he has time with them also. You also only receive a limited amount of time off of work and you would like the opportunity to shop. So.... I would consider going at it alone. Like go for the visit, but even offer to shop on your own in order to each have their separate time and kinda "kill two birds with one stone." I even feel like what you are talking about at my own family's homes when I go visit. It is about the same driving distance and I have to take breaks, like even go to a movie or things just to get out of the house. I get stir-crazy. I actually encourage you to get out and do some things. I often just go alone or open the invitation to anyone who may want to go. You could also consider driving up for the day with him, taking the car with you and coming back to get him after he has spent the time there. You could break up the days that you are there.... would that be an option?

It sounds like Chris feels insulted because he feels that you don't want to spend time with them, but he is not seeing that what you are asking for is just the privacy of an adult and the personal space to feel autonomous.

Customer: replied 11 months ago.
I mentioned that but he says no. He is offended I want to spend any time away at all. We are taking my car. I would totally be fine with being a lone and getting out. But he makes me feel bad. So we sit there all day long we eat and drink. For days. I can barely go to my room alone and it makes me anxious and nervous.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
now it appears to be calming down. What I don't like is every time I mention anything with family, like Christmas etc he gets so upset. it just seems ridiculous when I ask for a few hours of time to get out of house that it turns into an ordeal especially at our age. I don't think he is getting that I get a little nervous at his parents place because I don't know them well and its an adjustment and so to not get any space at all overwhelms me. He really takes it personally when its not personal at all. I like them a lot.
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 11 months ago.

Does he have sisters that may want to shop? That would be an option if so? You'd be spending time with his family but also getting out? I would remind him that it is about your anxiety also. That you are terrified of feeling isolated or closed in.... be vulnerable and maybe he will see the level of fear. That it isn't about preference related to being around family, but just not feeling too caged. Also, one way to think about it is that Chris is really excited to be with you and his family. He may even have something special planned?

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 11 months ago.

I think I would preface it all with, "Chris, I love your family and spending time with everyone. I am still adjusting and this is all so new to me. I want to feel comfortable and confident. It scares me though."

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 11 months ago.

Have you guys worked it out? Talking through it now?

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 11 months ago.

I have been curious about how things have been. Would love an update.... when you get the chance :)

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 10 months ago.

I hope things are going well. I was not sure of what you guys decided about your trip. Hope to hear from you soon:)

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 8 months ago.

I was going through questions that I still had open and I wanted to touch base with you about this one. It sounds like you guys patched things up based on the other question's mentioning of a possible engagement!! Im really glad for you. If you would like to close this question, please feel free to send a positive rating (3 stars or better) so that credit can be received. Thank you maam!! Have a great Monday!