Relationship

Have Relationship Questions? Ask a Counselor for Answers ASAP

Ask an Expert,
Get an Answer ASAP!

This answer was rated:

How can I find a path forward with my mom? I am 41 years…

How can I find a...
How can I find a path forward with my mom?I am 41 years old/male, married, 4 children ages 11 to 3. My mother is 60. Her live has been very turbulent and I have often been unsafe in it. She is going through her 4th divorce at present. When I was 11 years old, I was molested by a new "step brother" from her 3rd marriage. As a scared child, I reported the incident to her and was told it would be taken care of. The abuse continued immediately and for the course of over 2 years it was frequent, joined by a second "step brother" both of whom were 15 and 17 years older than me. It escalated to advanced forms of sexual abuse, giving alcohol to a minor, oral sex and such. It was happening under my mom's nose. She even dropped me off at their houses for sleep overs. I felt trapped, unsafe, and as a consequence lost all trust in her. Her 3rd husband died after 3 years of marriage and that separated our family from theirs and my nightmare was over. However, my problems didn't. My mom became angry towards me. Demanding my respect, calling me names, and hitting me. She never acknowledged the abuse or asked about it. I became silent and decided to can it. Our relationship was agitated. I decided as a 17-18 year old to ignore our past and pretend that all was well. She embraced this and almost seemed relieved. But the haunts of the past were ever present. As I became and adult, got married, and such. Her demands never stopped. She wanted us at every holiday, prime time. She was divisive with my in laws and was competitive for our time. She demanded my wife view her as an advisor and became possessive of my children. Eventually, I started getting wary and concerned again. I put some silent boundaries up without telling her and was trying to keep my family from her more. A few incidents over the years were: She confessed to my sister and I that who we thought was my sisters father (who is my real father) may not be. We were shocked. My sister conducted a DNA test and found it was true that we had been lied to for years and my father has always thought she was his daughter. Another was a time she came to my home looking to win us over against her 4th husband. We love him and she was looking to destroy his character in front of us. We said we loved him and that blew her up. She yelled at my wife and I escorted her out of the house. I finally told her I wanted no more and we could not have a relationship for now. She ignored that and called, came over, harrassed and such. I became very sharp with her and said I was serious. After a year of this, she finally backed off. It has been 2 years like this now. I have made several attempts at trying to help her see what life has been like with her. I have met with her in person a few times to discuss it, took her on a date just to try to have fun, met with her and her therapist 3 times, had her visit with a trusted friend of mine who thought she could mediate this, and have send her flowers on mothers day, etc. I want to heal this relationship. I feel obligated as a Christian to "Honor my parents". I also don't want to ever feel I gave up. However, I also feel like I need to keep my boundaries in place for the time being.Now, those are just some highlights of a 40 year history with her. There are numerous other stories and incidents. There is also her side of the story. If you were to here her, you would get a completely different story. She feels she was blinded during my sexual assault years by her husband and washes her hands of the whole deal. She views herself as a very righteous, church going, person. She can be the sweetest person, is very attractive, and very funny. She charms people easily. However, I am far from the only person hurt in the wake of her choices.Now that I have explained that. I am looking for a way to get a foot forward with her. If I crack open a door, she will shove it open all the way and my family is not ready for that. If I try to hash the past with her, I have no confidence she will try to see my view and understand what it has been like. If I attempt to mediate, she becomes dramatic and puts on an act, but I don't feel it is sincere. I'm ok with a long term strategy, but I have no idea how to proceed with her. Again, my goal is to find a footing that we can have a better future, she can know her grandkids and we can have some peace.
Show More
Show Less
Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Answered in 15 minutes by:
11/16/2016
Dr.G.
Dr.G., Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,579
Experience: Licensed Psychologist
Verified

Hello sir. I find your story similar to my own. Dealing with a mother who has caused a lot of damage, shows little remorse, and now dealing with a torn relationship. I will cut to the chase and say this. We forgive because we have been forgiven. We show compassion because we have been shown compassion. As a Christian, it is about showing the love of Christ to those who are not deserving, because in reality we were not deserving of his love. This is going to be a the heart of your healing. There is no guarantee anything will get better with your mother. But first we must look at ourselves in the mirror and ask if we are exemplifying Christ through our thoughts and our actions. And, as we grow deeper in Christ and let the Holy Spirit guide us, things work out for the best. So, the take home message is stop trying to fix it, or get common ground, or change her. Boundaries are good, but so is being the light of the world. You follow HIM who will guide you. As a psychologist, and my wife being a therapist as well, nothing else worked to repair a broken relationship with my mother until I started obeying HIM who is the giver of peace. Might I suggest talking with a pastor or church elder who can help guide you along the way to always keep your sights on HIM, and the rest falls into place. Take care and God Bless.

Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Thanks for your insight. I am LDS and have been hesitant to talk with my Bishop about it as I feel I know what the answers will be. I guess I have been looking to force this to get solved before I can trust her and know this is not a problem that I can solve that way. It is going to take something beyond me.

Absolutely.

Dr.G.
Dr.G., Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,579
Experience: Licensed Psychologist
Verified
Dr.G. and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
Was this answer helpful?

How JustAnswer works

step-image
Describe your issueThe assistant will guide you
step-image
Chat 1:1 with a counselorLicensed Experts are available 24/7
step-image
100% satisfaction guaranteeGet all the answers you need
Ask Dr.G. Your Own Question
Dr.G.
Dr.G.
Dr.G., Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,579
1,579 Satisfied Customers
Experience: Licensed Psychologist

Dr.G. is online now

A new question is answered every 9 seconds

How JustAnswer works:

  • Ask an ExpertExperts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional AnswerVia email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction GuaranteeRate the answer you receive.

JustAnswer in the News:

Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

What Customers are Saying:

Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help.

Mary C.Freshfield, Liverpool, UK

This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!!

AlexLos Angeles, CA

Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult.

GPHesperia, CA

I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion.

JustinKernersville, NC

Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around.

EstherWoodstock, NY

Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know.

RobinElkton, Maryland

He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here.

DianeDallas, TX

< Previous | Next >

Meet the Experts:

TherapistMaryAnn

TherapistMaryAnn

Counselor

1,744 satisfied customers

Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues

Ms Chase

Ms Chase

Life Coach

853 satisfied customers

Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues

Alicia_MSW

Alicia_MSW

Psychotherapist

468 satisfied customers

Specializing in relationship/family counseling

Dr. Norman Brown

Dr. Norman Brown

Marriage Therapist

427 satisfied customers

Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples

DrJackiePhD

DrJackiePhD

Doctor

385 satisfied customers

I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.

Dr. L

Dr. L

Psychologist

366 satisfied customers

Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.

Suzanne

Suzanne

Therapist, LCSW

338 satisfied customers

Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency

< Previous | Next >

Related Relationship Questions
My sister is not inviting our mom to her wedding, and I feel
My sister is not inviting our mom to her wedding, and I feel really bad about it.. How do I answer people when they ask where is the mother of the bride? All four of my siblings are in the wedding … read more
S. August Abbott
S. August Abbott
Etiquette consultant
Doctoral Degree
260 satisfied customers
What is the best way to deal with toxic people if there is
What is the best way to deal with toxic people if there is absolutely no way to get away from Them. In my case it is my father. He has been inconsistent and hovering between loving and mentally abusiv… read more
Schuyler
Schuyler
1,944 satisfied customers
My husband has Alzheimer's Disease and I have had to place
My husband has Alzheimer's Disease and I have had to place him in a private care facility as I cannot care for him at home. His sister constantly sends me articles indicating that the medication that … read more
Therapist Leslie
Therapist Leslie
Masters, Professional Psychology
5 satisfied customers
My mother hates my boyfriend... My boyfriend and I have a 1
my mother hates my boyfriend... My boyfriend and I have a 1 year old son together as well. We broke up for a period of time while I was pregnant and we are now working on things but we live separate. … read more
Jen Helant
Jen Helant
Bachelor's Degree
365 satisfied customers
Hello, I am in my mid twenties and my mother has been verbally,
Hello, I am in my mid twenties and my mother has been verbally, emotionally and sometimes physically abusive my whole life. I used to be able to just shut down and take it from her as a child but now … read more
Rafael-E-Therapist
Rafael-E-Therapist
Director / Psychotherapist
Master's Degree
455 satisfied customers
I fell in love with the most wonderful man. He moved to my
I fell in love with the most wonderful man. He moved to my area and we made planse to forge a life together. He had a 15 year old daughter who he warned me had severe mentl and psychological issues an… read more
Cathy
Cathy
Master's Degree
221 satisfied customers
I think I'm suffering from vicarious abuse. For the last
I think I'm suffering from vicarious sexual abuse. For the last couple years since my parents divorced, and shortly after I learned that my mother was raped by her stepfather and molested by her biolo… read more
Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige
Psychologist
Doctoral Degree
847 satisfied customers
Hi, I have a couple of old and dear friends that Ive had
Hi, I have a couple of old and dear friends that I've had for over 15 years. Most of these are friends that I don't get to see or talk to very often, just because of distance or busy with families, bu… read more
Dr. L
Dr. L
Psychologist
Doctoral Degree
366 satisfied customers
I own a seasonal restaurant which employs 18 people during
I own a seasonal restaurant which employs 18 people during the summer months. (5 % of the employees are either in high school or college. I had three family members working last year. My son who is my… read more
psychlady
psychlady
Clinical Director
Master's Degree
3,517 satisfied customers
Hi there, My son (hes 20 and at Uni) has been in a relationship
Hi there, My son (he's 20 and at Uni) has been in a relationship for about a year and over the past few months he has been talking to us about a few problems and they have broken up on and off a few t… read more
psychlady
psychlady
Clinical Director
Master's Degree
3,517 satisfied customers
Can a wife demand that a husband love her son from a previous
Can a wife demand that a husband love her son from a previous marriage? They have a 7 year old girl together. Wife has a 17 year old son from previous marriage that stays with them every other week. H… read more
Dr Rossi
Dr Rossi
Doctoral Degree
1,564 satisfied customers
I am having some issues with my youngest adult sibling which
I am having some issues with my youngest adult sibling which has caused problems in my relationship with my aging and frail 85 year old mother. About 8 years ago, my youngest sister moved from Califor… read more
MrsRuss0114
MrsRuss0114
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master's Degree
154 satisfied customers
I have a sister that has not spoken to me in almost 2 years.
I have a sister that has not spoken to me in almost 2 years. We came from a dysfunctional physically and emotionally abusive family. My mom is an alcoholic and my dad was just mean. We are ages 52 and… read more
psychlady
psychlady
Clinical Director
Master's Degree
3,517 satisfied customers
I have a question about a problem with a family relationship,
I have a question about a problem with a family relationship, my extended family, cousins, aun and uncles.. could you help?… read more
Dear Debra
Dear Debra
Advice Columnist
Earning Associate degree
1,299 satisfied customers
Hi, Coming from a home where Dad was an alcoholic, and mom
Hi, Coming from a home where Dad was an alcoholic, and mom subservient to him, I was ignored as Mom put his needs above my own at the expense of my well being. Ie- Dad was physically abusive and Mom d… read more
Cathy
Cathy
Master's Degree
221 satisfied customers
My real mom pasted away when I was 3 1/2 yrs. old. My dad remarried
My real mom pasted away when I was 3 1/2 yrs. old. My dad remarried 3 years later. I now have a step- sister and brother. My brother is great. My step sister is evil. My step mom always takes her side… read more
Dr.G.
Dr.G.
Psychologist
Doctoral Degree
1,579 satisfied customers
My husbands family interferred in our lives and also put me
My husbands family interferred in our lives and also put me down (jokingly) in from of my husband and children. The anomosity in my relationship with them culminated in a rift with his sister after I … read more
Cher
Cher
JustAnswer Expert & Mentor;Teacher/Tutor
Masters Degree
1,382 satisfied customers
mother in law is affecting my emotional health can you advis
I have looked at various sites to do with family issues and emotional problems and have decided I should probably see my GP.The trouble is I am not sure if he would have answers as there is no medicin… read more
Ms Chase
Ms Chase
Life Coach
853 satisfied customers
Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Show MoreShow Less

Ask Your Question

x