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Second opinion] - my boyfriend and i were having issues now…

Second opinion] - hi...

Second opinion] - hi my boyfriend and i were having issues now i havent heard from him for almost a week

Expert's Assistant: The psychologist will know what to do. Please tell me everything you can so the psychologist can help you best.

Im not sure whether to give him more space or why this is even happening

Expert's Assistant: Is there anything else important you think the psychologist should know?

We have been together over a year the issues started when i found hed message a random female being flirty we were living together but since i have moved home

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Answered in 5 hours by:
11/15/2016
CounselorJules
CounselorJules, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 828
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor
Verified

Hi,I'm Jules, a LPC,I am reviewing your question now, and will post back with your thorough reply briefly :)

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I hope that I can help you this morning. I can imagine that all of this is a very confusing time for you. A year of commitment and then you felt floored by the communication with another female, then the silent treatment. Im sorry. I really am sorry you are going through that.

I do think that you have some options here. You may know more about his typical patterns and I also can tell that you really love him and just want some clarity. I am curious if you think that his absence is a passive aggressive behavior or defensive behavior of avoidance so that he keeps you on your toes, and somehow flips the situation around. He may think that by "ghosting" you he can draw you back into communicating with him. Somehow this could lead to you apologizing to him about addressing the issues and his choices are not the priority anymore. I don't know him, obviously, but I do recognize patterns from working with relationships for quite some time now. I think that you wait him out. Now, this is going to take a major amount of discipline because you are going to really want answers and you just want to know what in the world is going on with him. The important thing to remember is that you are not the guilty party, you were not exchanging messages with anyone, you had every right to address the behavior that concerned you. You were establishing boundaries to protect your relationship, which is a priority. That has to be the number one concern in the relationship in order to maintain trust.

A healthy relationship involves a sense of equal submission, or equal yielding to someone's needs. You simply expressed to him that you did not want other people involved in his life. It deserved to be addressed. A healthy relationship doesn't mean only doing what one person wants, it means empathetic listening and attempts to validate the other person's feelings. He will have to recognize and acknowledge your needs also. I think it is important to keep that in mind.

I have a book in my office by Kathryne Alice called "Love will Find a Way." In that book it talks about the importance of being ourselves so that he recognizes what you really need. We want to set an honest tone for our relationships, so it is okay to ask him specifically about what he really needs too, and tell him yours. When the time comes, I think you should speak to him with vulnerability and honesty about what you feel you need from him..... Most importantly, be honest with yourself and affirm that you are good enough exactly how you are and that you respect yourself enough to have your needs met!

I have a book called, Silent Power, by Stuart Wilde. It talks about something called "the wanting it tax" basically meaning that when you want something very badly, we often "pay too much" for it. So, just as you want him to communicate with you, or want the relationship to work, you may be making amendments to your own choices or even boundaries that play into keeping him happy. I am sending a small excerpt that sort of explains it more :)

".....an important first step in silent power is don't lean. It's obvious, but most don't

know it. When you are frantic for people, your needs have an air of desperation-they

weaken you and push things away from you.

Have you ever had a romantic relationship where the other person was all over you like a

hot rash, desperate for you? What did you do? Probably, for the first few days you

enjoyed the attention, but on day three you gave this man or woman a hard time and you

started to tow him or her around by the nose. You enjoyed that for a bit, but in the end,

this desperation and insecurity bugged you; eventually you tossed this person out. When

you're in love and you crave someone, if this individual keeps his or her distance or

retreats from you, then your desire increases. If this person advances too far forward,

your desire lessens, or may dissipate completely. When you are desperate for a deal and

you lean into it, you push it away and/or you wind up paying more. It's called "wantingit"

tax. Before every deal, take a moment in the hallway to remind yourself that you don't

need it. If you don't get it, it doesn't bother you. If you do get it, it will be under your

terms, and you won't pay too much."

That being said, I do think that you should wait. I know that it has been a week, but I think that you can give it more time. Yuck, I know, but I think it is the best thing. One more week, and then if he hasn't contacted you, initiate the communication, ask for a face to face meeting, be diplomatic, but explain your feelings and the hurt that you feel. Ask for a straightforward answer on the next steps in the relationship, or for closure so that you can begin your healing process.

Please let me know what you think :) Thank you, Jules

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I hope that this has been helpful and that you will provide a positive rating (3 stars or better) for the answer or interpretation that you have received. You can do this by clicking on the rating button and providing a score. The communication does not have to cease if you provide a rating, but it is the only way that the experts receive credit. My goal is to provide with you excellent service. I wish you the best and if you need further clarification, please feel free to ask more questions. I can also send more specific resources if necessary for you! Thank you! Jules

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
I think you're right , I'll wait it out. In your opinion why do you think he is being cold?When attempting to discuss things over this last fortnight at first he was confused about how he felt - if he really did love me then why would he do this to me etc. and said he found his soulmate at the wrong time. Then a few days later was saying he loves me and hopes I know it and that we would talk when we saw eachother properly yet didn't mention it when we saw eachother and the next day was when the noncommunication started. Do you have any insight as to what may be going through his head
Customer reply replied 1 year ago
I worry that initially I didn't handle things well and may have come off as too emotional or needy I'm hoping the space will change his mind ��

I think that he sounds like he has commitment issues. I believe that he is very insecure and unsure of what he wants. He may have even sought out the attention from someone else for this very reason. He was likely very happy with you, but that could have actually scared him and then it led to him self-sabotaging by talking to someone else. I wonder if he was trying to push you away a bit. Maybe to force you to make a decision so that he wouldn't have to. He may have tried to make himself "less attractive" in hopes that you would end the relationship? Some people with commitment issues actually do that. It sounds counter-intuitive, but in making himself less attractive by acting so coldly, he may think that it would either draw you back to him in order to seem less guilty. I think that the space will allow him to see that you are not needy or dependent on him. Hopefully he will see that you have been honest and vulnerable with him because you care about him. You don't want him because you "need him" but you "love him" and then you want a healthy relationship with him. I doubt you were too emotional, given the circumstances, he may have needed to see just how badly his actions hurt. It also could have caused him some embarrassment and guilt for behaving this way. He may need to understand that the actions taken were hurtful and that you don't want your feelings taken for granted.....

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
I agree with that. I partly feel that he may be frustrated that nothing much is happening for him in regard to life right now and maybe finds it easier to blame me or the relationship rather than his own actions.
How would you suggest I handle this with the result of him wanting to be with me and me maintaining respect for myself
Customer reply replied 1 year ago
I also believe the issues occurred because we had two weeks straight with no time to ourselves just constantly together. Do you think this could explain his further pulling away also ?
It's frustrating because a few weeks ago he would tell people that coming home to
Me was the best part of his day and now he doesn't even speak to me
I am sorry for the delay. I was typing on my laptop and I lost my internet connection. I'm using my mobile phone. Bear with me and I will respond working from memory :)
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I think to deal with the issues you go to him with curiosity when you are able to communicate. I use what I call the "Oreo method" where it is "positive, negative (or behavior you want changed), followed by positive statement or resolutions. So it may look something like this: "I want you to know hat I care very deeply for you. I have thought about our relationship and the possible concerns that you may have experienced. We moved in together and maybe we both jumped into that too quickly. You may have felt that you lost some of your independence or even that you no longer had your own identity. I want you to know that I have cared deeply about our friendship as well as the relationship. I hoped that we could bring the best out in one another and that we would be able to support each other and even share the insecurities that we have. I'm coming to you with a goal of finding clarity. I would like to understand my role from your perspective, your feelings, your thoughts, and even what led to some of our conflict. I don't want to lose my integrity or self-respect during this, but I'm willing to understand from your point of you in order to take conflict and create an opportunity of improved intimacy. I do want to know what responsibility you feel that you should take but also understand my own responsibilities. I want to protect our relationship and if you feel that I overreacted, I am sorry, but keeping our emotional and intimate relationship safe is important to me. I hope that we can bring out the best in each other in order for us to succeed. We are stronger together than apart, but I don't want to force you to feel something that you don't. So, I would like to collaborate with you on any potential solutions so that we can either put this behind us and move forward together, or we can move forward with closure. I am asking for an honest conversation with you. I hope you will see the intention behind my statements."
I think by being "curious" and suggesting "collaboration" he will be less defensive and less reactive....
I am pretty sure that the first response that I wrote before my internet crashed was better, but it was something to that effect! Lol.
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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Do you think I should open with that and speak first? Or let him speak first? Because if he wants to break up is there really a point of me saying all of this

I would let him speak first..... Then follow up if he seems sincere in regards ***** ***** on things :)

CounselorJules
CounselorJules, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 828
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor
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