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Difficulty dating

difficulty dating
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Answered in 8 hours by:
11/15/2016
Therapist Leslie
Therapist Leslie, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 447
Experience: Owner and Psychotherapist at Self-Employed, Private Practice
Verified

Good morning and thank you so much for your message. I realize it's difficult to reach out. Please know I honor your courage.

My name is ***** ***** I am a psychotherapist in the Metro Boston area.

How can I assist you today? Please tell me a bit more about your difficulties in the dating world so I can help you out a bit.

I very much look forward to hearing from you.

Warm regards,

Therapist Leslie

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
i have had a very hard time dating. i feel like i can't be myself. it seems to work for others but not me... I'm feeling very hopeless...it's getting too hard

Good evening and thank you so much for your response.

I am so sorry you are struggling and feeling hopeless with the process. I get the sense you have tried dating numerous times, have put yourself out there, hoping to find a relationship--only to be met with either rejection or frustration of sorts. The key to dating is being 100% authentic--completely and fully yourself. The right person will love and honor this and by doing this, you allow them to be authentically themselves as well.

Can you please tell me a bit about some of your recent experiences so I can provide additional support?

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
well, I was in a relationship for a very long time with an awful guy-6 years. we officially ended it in august, but I've been trying to date for the past couple of years (when we first broke up). i have tried personal dating sites, payed a lot of money for expensive professional matchmakers & in the end, it's all a waste.About me: I'm a doctor, I'm 39, and if it's ok to say this, I've never had trouble meeting guys. People think i'm cute & petite & spunky & fun. I have more friends than I know what to do with. but somehow, the guys are treating me so badly.i rarely have more than one date, and they always get weird by date 3the most recent heartwrenching was this past weekend. I went out with a guy that was surprisingly great. we hit it off immediately & both agreed that we felt like we had known each other forever. Unfortunately his car got towed & he couldn't find out where it was at the end of the date. so I told him he could stay with me (his phone was in the car) and we would figure it out. he got to my apartment & was tired & a little drunk so I let him sleep at my place. nothing happened, because I'm not that way, but the next morning we found his car & i haven't heard from him since... I don't know what to do anymore...
Customer reply replied 1 year ago
i keep beating myself up because i let him stay over & he even crawled into my bed, wearing clothes & joked that my couch was awful! which it is! ha!ha! it all seemed pretty PG, but now I feel like maybe he thinks that was too much too fast... even though I have been known to be a little uptight about things. I've never had any fling or anything exciting like that...I'm pretty vanilla. but i was a lot more care free & spontaneous with him... and now i regret it. my life has always been about doing everything right. whenever I do something fun & spontaneous, like how care free i was on this date, I always regret it ;(what's wrong with me?
Customer reply replied 1 year ago
please opt out of question. i will find someone available at this time. thank you
TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,943
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Verified

Are you still looking for support?

Jen

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Hi, yes I am

Good morning,

I'm so sorry you have not received an answer for your question. I opted out as you had requested but it seems you have not received a response?

Hum, sweet soul, I fear you choose men who do not treat you well. The man you were in an relationship with for six years sounds like a highly insensitive person who treated you poorly. I am sorry to say this but I do feel we make choices based upon what we believe we deserve. Once poor behavior is allowed, it becomes the norm....so in many ways, we dictate who others treat us.

The date you had this past weekend sounded promising as it sounds like you loved the parts of you this man brought to the surface. I got the sense you rarely access your carefree side and it felt wonderfully missed. The night sounded wonderful in many ways and I honestly do not think you did anything inappropriate in the least. I don't know why he didn't call and it seems strange as it seemed there was a nice connection. The reason has nothing to do with you, sweet soul. Online dating is complicated (trust me, I've done a lot of it) and many men marathon date and aren't looking to be in a relationship.

I do think it is critical to pay attention to the parts of ourselves another individual brings to the surface. We have to love who we are when with the person we choose to be with. This is always a way to determine whether someone is a good match for us.

Please know, though, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. There are many wonderful men out there and please do not give up on love. Keep putting yourself out there and love will come to you.

Have I answered your question? Is there anything else I can do to assist you further? I want to ensure you are pleased with my service. I also gently request you provide a star rating for me. Of course, we can continue to talk after the rating is provided. I will be online all day today.

Please take good care of yourself and feel free to contact me with any questions you may have.

Warm regards,

Therapist Leslie

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Hi. Thanks for letting me know you are still looking for support. Dating is hard, you are correct about that, but I don't hear that you are truly wanting to give up. Often, one needs to kiss a lot of frogs until we find the right one....that can be painful, frustrating and overwhelming. I hear a great spirit in you, an attractive and smart person and one that will connect with another. Sometimes we need to change things up a bit....online dating can be hard as a lot of people do not put their true selves out there, so you can keep the online thing going if you care to stay in it and at the same time, I would immerse yourself in other things where you might meet like minded individuals desiring honesty and a true connection. What are your passions...sports, reading, hiking, running....whatever it may be, get yourself involved with groups, meetups, events, volunteering so that you are alongside others that share the same passions and perhaps desires. Yes, it may feel like a push to do all that, but let's not think of it as dating, but rather involving yourself in things you love to do outside of your work.

In terms of the date that didn't go as you had hoped...a few things could have happened but nothing to do with you....he could have been embarrassed about his car being towed and maybe he was expecting things to become intimate. While there is no way of truly knowing why he didn't reach back out, it sounds to me like you didn't do anything wrong..you were gracious and also following your beliefs about becoming intimate. As hard as it is to keep going and putting yourself out there, it certainly is possible to find the one..after kissing a lot of frogs.

I am here to support you further. I see there was another professional that opted out so if you would like me to respond, then please use my name when responding. Thanks so much and I look forward to hearing back from you.

Jen

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I received a notification on my dashboard that you have reached back out..please let me know as I want to make sure there isn't a glitch in the system and you are being responded to by me. Thanks.

Jen

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Hello, Yes I was trying to reach back out but i wasn't sure if you were still available

I responded on November 17th and was waiting to hear from you. Here is what I wrote.

Hi. Thanks for letting me know you are still looking for support. Dating is hard, you are correct about that, but I don't hear that you are truly wanting to give up. Often, one needs to kiss a lot of frogs until we find the right one....that can be painful, frustrating and overwhelming. I hear a great spirit in you, an attractive and smart person and one that will connect with another. Sometimes we need to change things up a bit....online dating can be hard as a lot of people do not put their true selves out there, so you can keep the online thing going if you care to stay in it and at the same time, I would immerse yourself in other things where you might meet like minded individuals desiring honesty and a true connection. What are your passions...sports, reading, hiking, running....whatever it may be, get yourself involved with groups, meetups, events, volunteering so that you are alongside others that share the same passions and perhaps desires. Yes, it may feel like a push to do all that, but let's not think of it as dating, but rather involving yourself in things you love to do outside of your work.

In terms of the date that didn't go as you had hoped...a few things could have happened but nothing to do with you....he could have been embarrassed about his car being towed and maybe he was expecting things to become intimate. While there is no way of truly knowing why he didn't reach back out, it sounds to me like you didn't do anything wrong..you were gracious and also following your beliefs about becoming intimate. As hard as it is to keep going and putting yourself out there, it certainly is possible to find the one..after kissing a lot of frogs.

I am here to support you further. I see there was another professional that opted out so if you would like me to respond, then please use my name when responding. Thanks so much and I look forward to hearing back from you.

Jen

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
thank you for that. but i think my issue is what to do next. I honestly don't like this lane i'm in at all. I was with my high school sweetheart for 6 years. my med school boyfriend for 6 years, and my last relationship was longer than both of those. so DATING is pretty foreign to me...and I hate it. I feel like i'm learning the things that 20 year old college girls learn, but i never had to deal with or worry about. I am miserable. i cry constantly, which has never been me at all. all of my girlfriends think I'm their cool, cute friend. they see how I'm always so confident, and always approached by guys ( i know this sounds awful but I'm always the "cute girl" in the group). i'm not afraid to talk to anyone, so I also make a great wing man. I can get any of my friends an introduction to a hot guy. I feel like i am the epitimy of the saying "those who can't do teach". I can get everyone a boyfriend but myself. and the funniest part is, everyone thinks I'm single by choice.... my life is this big facade... and all i've ever really wanted to do was settle down & be a mom & wife. I hate the clubs, the bars, ALL OF IT... i'm at a really awful spot :(the worst part is, even though it was just one date, the guy I was telling you about is the first person I have truly been interested in n YEARS!!! that's why it's so hard... i never like anyone. I really want to reach out to him but I don't want to chase him. I sent him a text friday asking him out. he said he had his son for the weekend but could we take a rain check... i think that was crap... :((((( HELP PLEASE!

I hear all of your frustrations and your desires and I am going to sound like an old Grandma (which I am not) :-) but sometimes when we want something so much and put out that fervent energy, it just doesn't work. Pulling back a bit and just enjoying the space you are in can just allow things to happen naturally. I know you are not desirous of being single but wanting to find someone so bad makes the process even harder. As I suggested above I would try some new ways of meeting people that are of like mind to you. Dating is foreign to you since you haven't had to do it much and it can be a tough "game." People seem interested and then they aren't such as with this recent date, so you need some thick skin to get through it all as you pick up, dust off and move on to the next and with your life. There is no magic answer other than to keep getting out there when you feel the strength, do things that you love..go on an adventure trip, take up a new hobby...sounds archaic but the goal is not only to meet someone but to also be out there living your life, trying new things and really enjoying it all. You have tons to offer and there will be someone that you will meet and a mutual connection will develop.

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Hello Jen,Thank you for your response. I would like to say something in the hopes that it doesn't sound too bitter or mean. People always tell me to be patient & stop trying. But going home to an empty apartment every day & only having work makes it hard to be casual & enjoy life. I should have had a house full of kids by now. instead all i have is netflix & a bunch of happily married friends my age that invite me to things & make me feel like a third wheel. no one ever says "just go after what you want. If you like the guy, call him. don't sit around like a wall flower". why is that? why should i be so content being unhappy & not trying to do anything about it? hobbies feel empty. in fact i have TONS of those. i teach spanish & piano, i'm part of the art society, i take advanced cooking classes, I play golf & tennis & i have a group of friends that i do zumba with. SOOOOOOOOnow what?If i go to one more wedding, or baby shower or anniversary party, I am going to lose my mind! this is so unfair. i'm not feeling sorry for myself, i'm just sick of this. i even have vacations I've never taken because i wanted to take them with someone. i tried traveling alone ONCE & it was complete misery. i'm not really built to be alone. I'm very domestic & have wanted a family since I was a kid...i don't think there is any solution, and i don't believe anymore that there is someone out there for everyone. i think some people are just always alone.... the thought of that is almost more than i can handle...but it's true.i just really am at a loss ;(

I have empathy for what you are experiencing and there is no perfect answer here only to support your feelings and to say continue with what you are doing and keep putting yourself out there in the ways you have and yes go after what you want....like you did wiht this guy, reaching out and asking him out. He may not be interested sadly but on to the next. So as I said, ther eis no right way or perfect answer. Keep going and keep trying.

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Thanks, I'm trying. It's just hard to stay positive. I appreciate your advice. Happy thanksgiving!

I know it isn't easy and I hear how down you are but I also hear your strength, your smarts and your spunk. Happy Thanksgiving to you as well. Please click the rating stars to rate my support. Thanks in advance.

Jen

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I am leaving for Thanksgiving holiday now, and as you know, I am not credited for my time, unless you provide a rating so I would be thankful if you could do that for me now. Thanks.

Jen

TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,943
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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