Relationship

Have Relationship Questions? Ask a Counselor for Answers ASAP

Ask an Expert,
Get an Answer ASAP!

This answer was rated:

Jules, I have now come to the full awareness that my father…

Jules, I have now come...
Jules, I have now come to the full awareness that my father and his wife are both Narcissist. You know how you want to tell them off? Instead of holding it in? The only thing that keeps me from venting on them is that they will get what they are trying to get. Just a reaction from me. Does this really truly make them feel good? I think I do have the answer that it is in my best interest to just move on and say nothing. But I have been so violated! And they walk away on their merry way while I am left to pick up all the broken pieces. Just need a bit of clarity, probably because I do feel a little blind right now because it is so close to my heart.
Show More
Show Less
Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Answered in 17 minutes by:
11/10/2016
CounselorJules
CounselorJules, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 827
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor
Verified

Hi,I'm Jules, a LPC,I am reviewing your question now, and will post back with your thorough reply briefly :)

Ask Your Own Relationship Question

Automated response :) I'm sorry....give me a couple of minutes and I will review and answer :)

Ask Your Own Relationship Question

I do think that it is important to remember that in dealing with a narcissist or someone with the specific traits, that you have to understand that "anything you say can and will be used against you." lol. So, it could be likely that they would act as if you were ungrateful, suspicious, malicious, etc should you say anything. It would create an opportunity for them to feed their "victim's mentality." Remember how "baiting" is one of their forms of manipulation.....

They want to lure you in (first goal) to then accomplish a secondary goal. Their first goal may have been to have you allow them to come into your home, you be indebted to them for the acts of kindness and service that they so graciously offered (with such open arms and open hearts and generosity), but then there is another motive. They didn't "win" with you after their first attempt to bate. Yes you initially let him come down to help, but when you set the boundary, he was reactive and left. This left you feeling "guilty" and maybe confused, but also feeling dependent upon him-- this is what he wants-- he wants to find another way back in and there is another goal under the surface. So, keep in mind that totally telling them off, will only create more of the guilt, create more of an opportunity for them to "use" you or your fragility to manipulate you into something more.

Remember that you "don't have to accept the invitation to every argument that you are invited to." Remember that by not doing so, you maintain a sense of control. You owe no explanation further than what you have offered-- and explained in the first place! You felt that your step-mother attempted to come in and be all cavalier in your mother and step-father's home, without even communicating with you about things, and she had an expectation of what you should do for her. Your feelings were not a priority then, and if you engage in any sort of explanation with them, your feelings still wont be as much of a priority. They more you say, the more they can manipulate your statements and twist them-- which has already happened, like with the moving situation, so I would focus on how you can cope individually.

Remember to destroy your own inner thoughts of fear, obligation, and guilt. You cannot be driven by these emotions, because nothing positive ever comes from that-- actually these feelings lead us to enabling others or even our own patterns of co-dependence....

I used to keep a running in my journal-- "things I wish I could say, but I know that I shouldn't" and under that I would write responses to situations where I could totally blow my lid, but I knew that doing so would never yield any positive results-- only negative repercussions. It was a good way for me to externalize. Another thing you could do is write letters and never send them, but it at least gets some of your venom out, so that you are not eaten up by negative emotions. Then I would write down the qualities you like about yourself - remind yourself that you have gifts and talents -why you have goals, why your feelings are valid. Affirm who you are. Believe in yourself.

Also remember that this man is your biological father, but not your Heavenly father, and nor was he present as a "dad" for you. You are the daughter of a king- which makes you a princess, ha. But you are worth far more than any affirmation he could offer to you.

Does that help any?

Ask Your Own Relationship Question

NPD Support Groups & Links:

Out of the FOG Support Forum - Support for family members and loved-ones here at Out of the FOG.

http://www.psychforums.com/narcissistic-personality/ - Psychforums NPD Board

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/Adult...enOFNarcissits- Yahoo group for adult children of Narcissistic parents.

http://p208.ezboard.com/bnarcissisticperso...oderfamilyforum- Narcissistic Personality Disorder Family Forum

Light's Blog - Info Sharing Blog for Survivors of Narcissism.

It's All About Him - support site and discussion forum for women with NPD partners.

http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/ - Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Forum

Here are some other good sites.....

Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Customer reply replied 1 year ago
I was hoping I could move to California just to be close to family. I grew up in California and I miss my family. I don't care what I have to purchase as long as it is decent but not trashy. If I cannot afford what I see, I cannot move. I can accept that. I have other options as where to live but not near family. I am alone so I have my own choices. I'm afraid that my relatives told him I might be moving there and my Dad got the wrong impression about my financial situation, it was just a thought, a consideration. Now I don't know if he has said something to them that would stir them in the wrong direction or not. My Uncle in California has already offered me his house to stay with him until I find a place and a job there. He invited me to spend Thanksgiving there with the rest of the family. My dad could say something like, gee she couldn't even afford to pay me anything for supplies. What would you suggest?Thank you for the cites I will definitely use them! I know they could help me somehow.

I think that there is a lot to speculate regarding his actions, thoughts, or intentions, but the most important thing for you is to determine what is best for you. I do think that if you can afford the move and if you find something that you feel secure with, that is your best option. Being near a support system will be important, but maintaining healthy boundaries with people who may drag you down is important too.

I would focus on "what is" and not the "what if" situations related to your father. There is no evidence of his communication with your uncle, and I don't think that I would give that any power over my decisions or what may be best for me. His opinion or statements carry no weight or bearing on your decisions. You are free from any bondage from him, remember that. I think that you should spend the weekend with your uncle and family and enjoy the visit. If he goes and stirs a pot, then that is a reflection of him-- not you. If your father attempts to create alienation-- also remember that this is also a trait from a narcissist. You have to visit with the healthy family members regularly and have that support in place. I think that your uncle is offering you an opportunity and you can see what is available there, but also see the dynamics that are in place with family.

CounselorJules
CounselorJules, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 827
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor
Verified
CounselorJules and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Thank you, ***** ***** excellent!
This answer is protected
Would you like to ask this question?
If you've already paid for this answer, simply Login.
Was this answer helpful?

How JustAnswer works

step-image
Describe your issueThe assistant will guide you
step-image
Chat 1:1 with a counselorLicensed Experts are available 24/7
step-image
100% satisfaction guaranteeGet all the answers you need
Ask CounselorJules Your Own Question
CounselorJules
CounselorJules
CounselorJules, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 827
827 Satisfied Customers
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor

CounselorJules is online now

A new question is answered every 9 seconds

How JustAnswer works:

  • Ask an ExpertExperts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional AnswerVia email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction GuaranteeRate the answer you receive.

JustAnswer in the News:

Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

What Customers are Saying:

Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help.

Mary C.Freshfield, Liverpool, UK

This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!!

AlexLos Angeles, CA

Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult.

GPHesperia, CA

I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion.

JustinKernersville, NC

Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around.

EstherWoodstock, NY

Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know.

RobinElkton, Maryland

He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here.

DianeDallas, TX

< Previous | Next >

Meet the Experts:

TherapistMaryAnn

TherapistMaryAnn

Counselor

1,741 satisfied customers

Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues

Ms Chase

Ms Chase

Life Coach

853 satisfied customers

Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues

Alicia_MSW

Alicia_MSW

Psychotherapist

468 satisfied customers

Specializing in relationship/family counseling

Dr. Norman Brown

Dr. Norman Brown

Marriage Therapist

427 satisfied customers

Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples

DrJackiePhD

DrJackiePhD

Doctor

377 satisfied customers

I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.

Dr. L

Dr. L

Psychologist

366 satisfied customers

Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.

Suzanne

Suzanne

Therapist, LCSW

338 satisfied customers

Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency

< Previous | Next >

Related Relationship Questions
I would like a man's opinion. I never knew who my father was
I would like a man's opinion.I never knew who my father was and I am 38. I finally found the person it could be and he turned out to be my father. However, he said cause of his wife he couldn't have a… read more
Dr.G.
Dr.G.
Counseling Psychologist
Doctoral Degree
449 satisfied customers
I've been researching narcissistic personality disorder for
I've been researching narcissistic personality disorder for a couple weeks and I'm about 99% sure a family member I live with is a narcissist. I don't use that term lightly. I've watched dozens of inf… read more
TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn
Counselor
Master's Degree
1,741 satisfied customers
I am now estranged from my middle aged narcissistic
I am now estranged from my middle aged narcissistic daughter, but the loss of dreaming we could have a relationship, plus missing my eight year old grandson has left me feeling lost. How to I give my … read more
CounselorJules
CounselorJules
Counselor
827 satisfied customers
I'm having major trust issues in my relationship, and can't
Hi, so I'm having major trust issues in my relationship, and can't decide if I should leave or not. The long and short of it is that I cannot trust my bf of 3 years. In the beginning I discovered a lo… read more
CounselorJules
CounselorJules
Counselor
827 satisfied customers
Jules I am in crisis mode. Graduating from school dealing
Hello Jules I am in crisis mode. Graduating from school dealing with divorce and now my son. I want to explain whats going on. Let me know the best time to chat.… read more
CounselorJules
CounselorJules
Counselor
827 satisfied customers
Jules, not sure about this therapist I'm seeing. I've had 4
Jules, not sure about this therapist I'm seeing. I've had 4 sessions with her so far costing me $200.00. And I have requested a recording of each session to be emailed to me. Okay when I listen to eac… read more
CounselorJules
CounselorJules
Counselor
827 satisfied customers
Counselor Jules~ I need to discuss with you about a
Counselor Jules~I need to discuss with you about a situation that happened. Need your advice when you are available, thank you.… read more
CounselorJules
CounselorJules
Counselor
827 satisfied customers
Although my wife of 27 years has not formally been diagnosed
Although my wife of 27 years has not formally been diagnosed with mental illness her Doctors, police, family members and friends all believe she is behaving bizarrely and erratic. She believes I am tr… read more
CounselorJules
CounselorJules
Counselor
827 satisfied customers
I am having a problem whenever I feel I need to see my
Hi! I am having a problem whenever I feel I need to see my ex narcissistic husband and his soon to be new wife. I feel so angry and know what he is psychologically doing - I went to his father's wake … read more
CounselorJules
CounselorJules
Counselor
827 satisfied customers
I slept with my room mates sister and it was just sex. We
I slept with my room mates sister and it was just sex. We all have the same friend group but she just got out of a horrible 9 year marriage, he was a drug addict, and I just got out of a bad relations… read more
Jen Helant
Jen Helant
Bachelor\u0027s Degree
365 satisfied customers
My daughter just came home from being in treatment for
My daughter just came home from being in treatment for depression and OCD. We fought like Hell all year to get her back home for Christmas. We're broke. We were just sitting down watching a movie toge… read more
TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn
Counselor
Master's Degree
1,741 satisfied customers
I hate my mother but I dont want to lose my family
About a week ago I stopped talking to my mother because I'm so emotionally unstable when I'm around her. She is incredibly toxic. As if all the crazy things she says and does are not enough, I'm havin… read more
Dr. Norman Brown
Dr. Norman Brown
Marriage Therapist
Doctoral Degree
427 satisfied customers
Father of my daughter walked out, after a heated argument,
Father of my daughter walked out, after a heated argument, when I was 36 weeks pregnant. At 38 weeks pregnant, he tried to force his way back into the house, he made threats, I called the police, long… read more
Dr. Z
Dr. Z
Psychologist
Doctoral Degree
9,633 satisfied customers
Lastly, is my 20 year old son aware that his Dad isvtrying
Lastly, is my 20 year old son aware that his Dad is trying to control him? He feels it, but does he know it intuitively? He has been in therapy for four years.… read more
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Adjunct Professor
Master's Degree
1,014 satisfied customers
I fell in love with a gorgeous, brilliant and accomplished
I fell in love with a gorgeous, brilliant and accomplished man from cameroon, west africa. we dated and had the best conversations and times. i've loved him for a year and we'd just started dating for… read more
psychlady
psychlady
Clinical Director
Master\u0027s Degree
3,517 satisfied customers
My wife claims she is clear thinking and that she needs to
My wife claims she is clear thinking and that she needs to vent her anger at my sisters so she is "done with it". My sisters do not like her and think she is crazy. We are dealing with educated/aware … read more
psychlady
psychlady
Clinical Director
Master\u0027s Degree
3,517 satisfied customers
My daughter has not spoken to me (Dad) since I left my marriage
My daughter has not spoken to me (Dad) since I left my marriage of 29 years, 6 years ago. I always cared and provided for my children but it was never close too them, same with my parents. I separated… read more
psychlady
psychlady
Clinical Director
Master\u0027s Degree
3,517 satisfied customers
if i broke up with my girl friend and she desides to go with
if i broke up with my girl friend and she desided to go with someone else that same night.her friend hooked them up.but i want her back now and i love her and miss her.do you think she still loves me.… read more
Dear Debra
Dear Debra
Advice Columnist
Earning Associate degree
1,299 satisfied customers
Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Show MoreShow Less

Ask Your Question

x