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Therapist Leslie
Therapist Leslie, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 329
Experience:  Owner and Psychotherapist at Self-Employed, Private Practice
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I have been a relationship for almost three years. We have a

Customer Question

I have been a relationship for almost three years. We have a complicated scenario and spend a few days apart each month due to travel and bicoastal living ... out relationship was built on trust as it was necessary due to the complexity. Recently I have found out my girlfriend is lying to me. She is lying about one thing in particular... seeing an old girlfriend. This is a woman she works with and has the ability to see every day if she wishes. She used to share with me when she met with or spoke with this person. Now any conversation about her has been absent. I found out about a month ago (from seeing her text) that she was with them woman when she told me she was out with someone else. Though I did not confront her directly about the lie, I asked detailed questions about the night out and she answered all by lying. Yesterday, she proactively told me she was meeting with someone else and i had a sneaking suspicion she was meeting with her ex girlfriend. This morning, I found out i was correct. She had fabricated a meeting with someone else... even went as far as to tell me specifics about the fake meeting .. kept me waiting for 45 mins ... while she was talking to her ex girlfriend in her office. I asked her if she had spoken to her ex yesterday and she looked me dead in the eye and said no.
Additionally, our sex life has been strange lately... she tells me how amazing and attractive I am... tells me she wants me when we are out then when we get home... she is too tired, or has a headache. This happened yesterday...we were out to dinner, she said I was XXXX all day... i can't wait to get you home... Then when we got home... she was tired. I couldn't help but think that who she wanted was that other woman.
Despite the lying we have an incredible relationship. She loves my children deeply, she professes her love to me often. She knows something is wrong with me... and it is causing a problem as i am unable to share with her how i feel since the way i know she is laying is from me snooping... She even said... what ever is happening we will get though it together. I am with you forever.
She has had affairs her entire life. She was married prior and this is a woman she had an affair with during the marriage. She has told me "i will never cheat on you", "I don't lie to you" well we know the last one is a lie.. so what about the former?
I am deeply in pain, and can't focus on work, can't sleep, can't eat, can't talk to my children... and can't not discuss with her for two reasons... one i don't know how and two i feel like she will just lie.
I want to marry this woman, we have discussed it often... but... i can't trust her...and it is hurting me.
Submitted: 8 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 8 months ago.

Good morning and thank you so much for your message. I realize it's difficult to reach out. Please know I honor your courage.

My name is ***** ***** I am a psychotherapist in the Metro Boston area of the United States.

Ohhh, sweet soul, I am so sorry you are experiencing this. I understand why you completely overwhelmed by your feelings and unsure of what to do. This is a very complicated situation as you mentioned you are struggling with your own struggles around communicating.

I understand you love this woman--that you have a nice life together, that she loves you and your children but the key component of a strong, solid relationship is trust and sadly she is unable to provide you with this. She has a history of being unfaithful and somehow can easily separate it from her relationships--she doesn't see it as an issue and has learned not to take ownership of her behavior. It's very difficult to confront someone like this as I am sure she will deny her behavior or else blame you for snooping through her texts/e-mails.

Nonetheless, you must (and have to say something)--as difficult as it will be. I would suggest saying something like this....

"I love you very much but am conflicted about your relationship. I know you have been dishonest with me about your whereabouts and involvement with XX and it hurts me beyond what words can describe. I am completely torn apart as I love you and don't want our relationship to all apart. Sadly, things cannot continue the way they are. I gently request you discontinue your current relationship with your ex and work closely with a therapist to better understand why you have created such a dynamic. I will also work with a therapist as I would love to get assistance around how to communicate in a more effective way. I want so much for our relationship to work but sadly we both have things we need to work on. Can you please promise me, as I promise you, you will work on these issues so we can be stronger?

Does this feel o.k. and comfortable for you? I do believe it is crucial to have this conversation and fear you will continue to be in great pain until then. So please, sweet soul, step forward and speak from your heart.

Have I answered your question? Is there anything else I can do to assist you further? I want to ensure you are pleased with my service. I also gently request you provide a star rating for me. Of course, we can continue to talk after the rating is provided.

Please take good care of yourself and feel free to contact me with any questions you may have.

Warm regards,

Therapist Leslie

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