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Therapist Leslie
Therapist Leslie, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 329
Experience:  Owner and Psychotherapist at Self-Employed, Private Practice
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Dear ***** I have been with my current girlfriend for almost

Customer Question

Dear *****
I have been with my current girlfriend for almost 2 years and it has gotten to the point of I want out but I don't want to lose her. I'm not sure where to start to ill just pick the latest topic I read on this site. My girlfriend is always accusing me of "looking" at other girls when I don't. I like to keep my surroundings in check. But it's gotten to the point that I literally avoid public places to avoid any fighting or accusing. I could be looking in one direction and there could be another girl to my right 50 feet away and she immediately mumbles "how's her ass John? Your a whore" keep in mind I am a very loyal man. I have never cheated and don't ever consider cheating. Now she's 19 and I'm 21 if that helps. Other issues consist of the usage of my phone. I'll admit I have an addiction to diesel pickup trucks and I constantly find myself on my phone reading or watching or looking at trucks. But in her mind, im searching up other girls facebook profiles or watching porn or something along those lines. She also always tells me to put it down and hang out with her and so I give in but she never gets off hers. Sometimes I'll get off it and then she'll feel satisfied over me getting off it and just pile drives me from there with the accusing under her breath. I cannot stand it. Another example happened today. I took my fancy truck to work today instead of my winter beater and when she got home I got a text from her at work that said "took the dodge to impress everyone huh?" Even after I told her the winter beater needs a fuel filter it wasn't a good enough answer I guess. I feel like I have to watch every little thing I do so she doesn't come after me. I feel like I have to avoid public and avoid my pride and joy and basically avoid a normal life. Now what really irritates me to no beyond is her accusing me of being "sexually attracted" to kids! It's disgusting and I hate it. For instance my niece that I rarely see is 15 and she accuses me of staring at her! It drives me nuts! Whenever she hugs me hello or bye my girlfriend has the nerve to ask me afterwards if I got erected over her hugging me. The first time I wanted to throw her out of my truck and leave her to walk. She does the same thing with her younger sisters best friend. Acts like I'm disgusting for being attracted to young girls when there is no way in hell that I am and for some reason I cannot get her to stop. She doesn't trust me when I have given her not one reason not to. Her last boyfriend cheated on her and left her for another girl that I know and I suspect that's a good reason. Oh and the last few weeks, she has even called me by her ex's first name. Says I act just like him and by how she explained him, I'm the opposite. I'm here because I'm ready to quit. I've been holding this relationship together because she is always saying she can't take it anymore but I remind her that I love her and go all out and she's fine for a day or two then it's right back at it. I'm at the point of giving up. No matter how many sincere talks we've had or how many times I've done "special" things for her I can't get the accusing to stop and I can't take it. I'm not a liar, I'm not a cheater and I'm absolutely not a child predator. Should I just cut my loses and move on? We used to be so happy together all the time but for the last 8 months or so it's been hard and I'm only human and can only take so much of this emotional abuse. I need your advice Debra. Please, because my girlfriend is emotionally tearing me apart.
Submitted: 8 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 8 months ago.

Good morning, John, and thank you so much for your message. I realize it's difficult to reach out. Please know I honor your courage.

My name is ***** ***** I am a psychotherapist in the Metro Boston area.

Oh dear, sweet soul, this is such a difficult situation. I imagine when you started dating your girlfriend, things were good because you are obviously so different from the man she was previously with. As time went on, her feelings grew and the fear of loosing you has taken over. She is terrified of loosing you in the way she lost her ex. Sadly she has used excessive control to try to quench her fears but my concern is that you can make yourself absolutely crazy trying to ease any potential fears she has. She struggles with abandonment and as a result this has been projected on you. I can guess that there is nothing you can do to provide her the security of your commitment--no matter how hard you try (or have already tried!) Sadly she is deeply wounded. She must own what is hers and get the help she needs.

I know the two of you have a long history and I imagine you love her deeply but of course, fear loosing your sanity and every ounce of freedom staying with her. Do you think she would consider doing couples counseling with you? I believe this is your only saving grace. A counselor will give her coping techniques in managing her abandonment and anxiety of loosing you.

If she is uninterested in doing counseling, I fear you must walk away. I am very sorry to say this but I truly fear your own mental health as a result of her behavior. Please take care of yourself first and foremost.

Have I answered your question? Is there anything else I can do to assist you further? I want to ensure you are pleased with my service. I also gently request you provide a star rating for me. Of course, we can continue to talk after the rating is provided.

Please take good care of yourself and feel free to contact me with any questions you may have.

Warm regards,

Therapist Leslie

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