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TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3433
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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My partner and I have been together for around 4 years, and

Customer Question

Hi, My partner and I have been together for around 4 years, and after a rocky start, it has been great. I absolutely love and adore this man and am hoping to have a long and happy future with him.
Recently we have moved in together and have been discussing our future together and my previous relationship has come up as an issue, because this 3.5year relationship was with a woman.
He says he has tried to deal with it/ignore it/accept it, however, doesnt feel hecan commit 100% until he "understands".
He has asked for an explanation as to "why" I was with her; how I defined my sexuality then, and now; and, how I could have a relationship with another woman and then just "switch" back to men.
Other than never identifying myself as bi or lesbian, I honestly don't really know the answer to these questions.
I had never been attracted to women before, and haven't been since, the relationship. I have never critically analysed it at all, and now I have no idea how to look at this situation on order to give him the explanation he seems to be seeking, and that he thinks I should have for myself.
I have said all of this to him along with saying I fear that whatever I do say won't be good enough for him.
We have tried to talk it out, but it essentially always comes back to me needing to explain the all important "why".
Where do I even begin..?
Submitted: 9 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 9 months ago.

Thanks for being so open...why? because sexuality can be is not a fixed state or necessarily based on a gender but rather the person. So your last relationship that was with a woman is based on her as a person and the love that was created between you. His insecurity of not being good enough could also exist if your last relationship was with a man...he is hanging onto something that is truly blocking him from being fully present with you and this obstacle is created by him. Why does love need to be defined based on a gender?! Love and sexuality can be fluid. Does that make sense to you?

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 9 months ago.

I am here if you desire to share your thoughts.

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