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Ask TherapistJen Your Own Question
TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3440
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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I have never been in a serious relationship until almost 5

Customer Question

I have never been in a serious relationship until almost 5 years ago. I am a single mom of a almost 13 yr old and for the first 8 years, it was just my son and I. The guy I have been dating has a problem with my sons mouth and the disrespect he has for me sometimes. We finally got engaged in July and by Sept. he had gotten into it with my son and said he couldn't take it anymore. My son has been diagnosed with ADHD and Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Not the greatest combinations together. My ex fiance now doesn't understand that he needs to be there all the time, not just the weekends. My son has NEVER had his father around, so he asked my fiance at the time if he'd adopt him and my fiance said yes and told him that he loved him and then just walked away because of his mouth. How do I process this or make my ex- fiance understand. We still talk and want it to work.
JA: The Psychologist will know what to do. Is there anything else important you think the Psychologist should know?
Customer: My son constantly pushes the people who care about him the most away. My ex was only there on the weekends bc he works FT and takes care of his 101 yr old grandfather which passed away in June and his 93 yr old grandmother. I have done everything to try to change my sons behavior and nothing seems to work. I tried to explain to my ex that my son would do better and I think all of it would stop if my son knew for sure he wasn't just going to up and leave everytime he can't handle something. When he was there on the weekends, he used to reiterate what I would tell my son to do. Never put his hands on him or disciplined him. I never get a break from my son and he is hard to handle. So all week long, I deal with him and then on the weekends when ,y ex would be there, my son and I are tired of each other and we would fight. What do I do. My son and I both need this man in our lives. He is a wonderful guy
Submitted: 9 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 9 months ago.

I think you are correct when you say your son needs the stability and each time he loses your fiance it creates fear and panic. But your fiance needs to make a choice...your son has some issues and they won't just disappear because he is there full time either. So he needs to decide whether he is in for all of it...the good and the less good. Boundary setting can work well if done with love and care and not harsh criticism or punishment. I also hope that your son is seeing someone regularly so that he has a place to process all of his feelings...not just about your fiance but all else that goes on for a 13 yer old boy. I would sit with your fiance and let him know how you love and care for him and hope you can work it out and be together and want to provide a stable home for him and your son and will work toward doing that and desire to know if he is up to the task. That is the best any of us can do and every parent deals with things with their children and we need to do it with love, patience and consistency.

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