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CounselorJules, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 781
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor
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I can tell all about my situation. I live in Norway, and a

Customer Question

Hello! I can tell all about my situation. I live in Norway, and a couple of months ago, I moved to another city and started studying. On the second day of living there, a guy messaged me on this one dating app. We met 2 days later, went on some really amazing dates. A week after that, he came to my Place, and he saw that i sleep on the couch, and he had to get rid of his bed, because it was too big for his new Place, so he gave it to me. He then went to Australia, since this is where he comes from and came back two weeks later. Already on the first date, he told me how he came to Norway a year ago to live With his girlfriend who was Norwegian, but after 6 moths of living together, he saw that its not working out, be she had hard time letting him go. They broke up officialy 3 weeks before I meet him. A month ago, a restaurant below his apartment caught on fire, the smoke came to all of the Apartments above. He asked if he could stay at my Place for a couple of days. After that he found out the apartment will be ready in a couple of months, and he didnt have the Insurance yet, so they could not pay for the hotel. I've told him he can stay at my Place, if i could get another key for him. It worked out well, and so until he found another Place to live, we lived together for almost a month. Everything was going great, we had no problems, and he was being very affectionate. A week ago he found a Place to move to until the apartment will be ready, he said it is a girl, who is renting a room in her apartment and he would live toghether With her. He had a hard time finding a Place to live, so he accepted it. The day after he moved, i saw that he left a couple of Things, and so he picked them up in the evening. No red flags happened, he kissed me before saying goodbye and went in for the second kiss as i started to go back to my apartment. Throughout the time he lived With me, he thanked me a lot how i let him stay here, because he doesnt have any friends here yet, and how he appreciates it. We go to the same gym together, and last thursday, i met him there. We chated for like 5 minutes, but i noticed that he is a little distant. I then met him again on saturday as i was having a dinner With a friend, and he was walking past the restaurant With his ex roomate, who he Trains together With. He came over, we talked for a couple of minutes. After an hour, i went to Train, but i was so tired that i trained only for an hour. As i was leaving, i saw that they were leaving too. They were about to grab some Food, his roomate left to get a table, and we talked for some time, but i could see that he is being weird. I asked if he has any plans tonight, and as he said he doesnt, i asked if he would like to meet later. He said he will probably go to sleep early. He hugged me as we were saying goodbye. Today i met him at the gym, but i had the feeling that he needs some Space, since we were living together for almost a month, and we did not know each other for a long time. I did not talk to him, and as i was leaving, i saw them again. They say they are going to eat again, i said im going to the same Place, but im gonna just order a take away and eat at home. When i ordered my meal, i went to their table and asked if its okay if i wait o couple of minutes With them. He said thats okay, but they did not talk to me for those 5 minutes, his roomate asked me once how it is going, i said it is going great. I asked my guy is there something new With him, he replied With "nothing". After 5 minutes my Food was ready, and i left saying "see ya, have a Nice dinner". When i came home, i got a Message from him "Hey, I'm going to be honest With you, tonight was a little bit creepy for me, because you were waiting for me to finish at the gym and then invite yourself over to sit With us while we were having a conversation. I've just spend 3 weeks With you full time and I need som of my own time right now and I feel you dont want to give it to me. I hope you can under
JA: OK. To minimize me, please click the down arrow at the top right corner of this box.
Customer: Great, when should i expect to get an answer? Thank you
JA: The Psychologist will know what to do. Is there anything else the Psychologist should be aware of?
Customer: No, I pretty much described everything
Submitted: 9 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 9 months ago.

Hi,I'm Jules, a LPC,I am reviewing your question now, and will post back with your thorough reply briefly :)

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 9 months ago.

Thank you for your question. It sounds like you guys are in the new phases of a potential relationship and it seems that this is when people try to establish boundaries. So, yes, guy time is pretty important, especially when he is trying to figure out a new place. Guys have these things called "egos" and they get their feelings hurt if someone may get the impression that they may be "controlled" in some sort of way. I dont think that was your intention at all. It just happened that he may have felt that he just got out of a serious relationship and maybe some of that baggage carried over. He may be fearful of becoming serious with someone when he just got out of something that was difficult at the end. Does that make sense? I bet he just needs a little space to figure out what he really wants. He definitely sounds like he was or is interested in spending time with you and enjoyed your company, but he needs his own time also....

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
I need that I shoud not Call him or text him, but does this mean that I should pretend like I don't know him whenever we see each other at the gym?
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 9 months ago.

check out this article when you get the chance :)

I would probably respond to his text message and state that you understand and that you had no intentions of honing in on his time. you get his perspective but that your intentions were not to interfere, everything just sort of fell into place a certain way and that you feel that there was a misunderstanding. Let him know that you recognize how his space and time are important and that you are a confident person that was not attempting to engage in any type of clinginess. I would then be really casual when I saw him at the gym and say "hey how is it going?" and focus on my workout and such. Dont give too much of a sign that you are wondering where is head is because that may lead him to feel like he has some sort of pressure to make a decision or act a specific way. I would focus on being self sufficient, confident, even a bit mysterious without being "cold." Does that make sense?

I really like this article about what men want.

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 9 months ago.

Last article that I am going to send :) lol. I like to send references so that is why I do this....

"One last turn-off for men is when a woman starts to spend more and more time with him, but feels as if all of a sudden he is the one and only thing going on in her life. When girls begin to abandon their friends, their hobbies and their other life priorities, men begin to see this as an obsession and again, it places too much pressure on them.

Girls need to remember that the reason this guy felt drawn to them in the first place was probably because of the great life they lived. If she abandons that then that attraction and intrigue fades as well. And giving up all these things for him and expecting him to do the same will only end up in him resenting them for reigning in on his freedom.

Do not ever let a man be the sole source of your happiness and fulfillment. Do not ever stop being the girl you were before you met him. When your man sees that you can balance both him and your other sources of happiness, he will feel that his importance is reduced, and therefore start making YOU more important." this is just an excerpt.....

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 9 months ago.

I really think that his actions were more or less a carry over from the last relationship that he had though. Maybe she did those things and he is now hypersensitive to it?

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
Thank you! Those articles were great, and so Your answers. He did say that he didn't have any feeling for his ex for the last six months of being together, and he said that to her many times, but she had hard time accepting it, and kept dragging the realtionship longer. I have heard about this rubber band thing, and it has worked for me before. This is why I thought that he needs some space, even before he told me that. I have no idea how long this space thing will go on, and if he will just dissapear or come back and tell me whether he wants to be with me or not. Of course, him being honest after spending his own time and telling me the truth, if the truth would be him wanting to cut the contact with me for real now, would be better, since then I would know that it really is over. The fact that he let me know about wanting space I really respect. But of course I would want it to end good, we don't each other for a long time, but he already sets every bar i look for in a life partner. I am already doing more stuff already, Meeting a lot of New People, joining some classes, working and studying, going to the gym. As we were living together, i spent most of the time studying, being at home or training, he got to know some days ago that i made some New friends, and that i keep Meeting New People, and he seemed impressed by it. But how long do you think is the usual amount of time a guy decides whether he wants to move forward or he wants to come back?
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 9 months ago.

I am sorry for the delay. I was preparing dinner for my family and now I am back and available on line. I would typically say there is a 30 day rule when making a decision with regards ***** ***** forward or trying the relationship once again :)

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
Ok, thank you so much for Your answers, it helped a lot! Also, as i said, his birthday is ***** up on Sunday, so I probably should not gim him those presents, maybe if we do get back together, either before or after it, i could give them to him. But, I do think I should send him a Message and congratulating him, how do you think i should congralute him, or what Words should i use? Also, it is often that we train at the gym at the same time on sundays, should i go to him and just casually congratulate him if this would be the case, or should i try and go to the sooner so i would not meet him there on his birthday?
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 9 months ago.

I would probably go ahead and message him and say, "hey, I wanted to tell you happy birthday and I had already purchased some things for you. I dont want to be weird or complicated about giving them to you, but I did buy them specifically for you and I feel that it would be strange if I kept them because I had you on my mind when I got them. So, I would like to wish you well and also just hope that your day is special. I will likely see you at the gym on Sunday, since we normally train at the same time, and I dont want there to be complications or tension if I see you, so I do want to give you these tokens of friendship at some point so that your special day is celebrated. Let me know when I can get them to you."

Or something to that effect?

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
Alright, but I am afraid, if I do mention him about the presents, he will freak out, and start thinking that I want to pressure him
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 9 months ago.
I would probably just indicate that it was done prior to his statement and that you aren't certain of what you should do with them otherwise. However, if you feel like you may feel "used" than I may check into returning them. You have to really think about what makes you feel better about your decision. Would you have regrets about giving them or not giving them?
Customer: replied 9 months ago.
Well, that is a bit tricky. I do not want to pressure him by giving them to him, so I would not feel to bad about not giving them to him, and maybe just keeping them for longer time. If it does work, I can give them to him later, if not, these are the presents that i can use myself. Like i bought him a cap, he wears them a lot, a t shirt which is like he dresses, and since he does Train every day, he often has pain in his back, and shoulders, so i bought this massage pillow. There is no chance of returning them, since it has already been a month after i bought them, i had some extra Money at that time and thought of just buying them sooner
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 9 months ago.
You know, I would hang on to them for a bit and if things lead to a relationship, I would give him the gifts. In the meantime, I would definitely go with the "happy birthday" message in the gym and keep it really casual. You have the next few days to sort of process how to go forward with him. I do think that replying to his message earlier about his "space" will be important and from there you may be able gauge his mood....
Customer: replied 9 months ago.
I did reply to his Message about him needing Space right after he wrote it, just did not reply to the one he wrote as the reply to mine, in which he said he will let me know, and thanked for understanding, and that it means a lot to him. I did not know what to say, and i think it was better that i did not reply to it, since i said everything i wanted to him before, how i allow him to have Space and that this is okay, and we both need it. The way i said that his happiness means the world to me i wanted to come from a loving Place, so he will know that i do still care for him. And With the part where i said, if he will want to start pursuing me he has to let me know, i showed my value, or so i hope i did
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 9 months ago.

I think you handled it gracefully and with tact. I think expressing your values and intentions were very important and you seem to be a genuine and compassionate person. I think he will see your value but most importantly knowing that you have handled yourself as a classy woman is important for you

Customer: replied 9 months ago.
even if it does not work out, and he will tell it or will just dissapear, at least i know that I ended it in a classic way, and did not get angry. This often helps when People start to hang out again, later in life, this was the case to some of my guy friends, who responded in a good way to being dumped, or needing Space, and so they met those women some longer time after it was over, and they dated again
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 9 months ago.
it shows your maturity and emotional health. How we respond to either disappointment or conflict is very telling of how we deal with issues that can come up in a relationship. Your actions have been very healthy
Customer: replied 9 months ago.
Thank you. Know i just need to give him his Space, as well as work on myself and put me in the first Place. And we will see if he will come around or not
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 9 months ago.

Yes maam. You sound very intuitive. You have to stay true to who you are and that is attractive in itself This situation may be an opportunity to just focus on your worth and maintain your authenticity