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Ask Rev.Dr. August Abbott Your Own Question
Rev.Dr. August Abbott
Rev.Dr. August Abbott, Clergy
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7626
Experience:  Ordained minister: Counselor (spiritual/life)
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Thanks Dr August Abbott for your invaluable insight. I do

Customer Question

Thanks Dr August Abbott for your invaluable insight. I do not want to rush to judgment, nor do I want to be naïve. I would like to be as objective as possible. Still on the same topic, I must say that this gentleman is a decent and honest person who was gravely hurt by his wife. The restraining order was dismissed in court and he was able to go back to his house and his son. She later filled for divorce March. 2015 and wanted everything they worked for together given to her and her son. In other words she was prepared to take him to the cleaners. He had get very good lawyers to fight his case. I assisted him through out this period. Going to lawyers, going to the courts as support and helping him to fill out divorce and property papers to be submitted to the court.
He also suffers from erectile dysfunctional disorder and I think that he is very afraid of having to start a new relationship with someone else. I can feel the emotional pain he is going through. My problem is I need to know where I need some form of closure. When I ask him why he behaves that way he says as far as he is concern nothing is going on. I must admit that he did a few repairs around my house for me but never said thanks for me helping him out. He praises everyone else except me. Although I have given him his space but every time I try to stay away I would get an email accusing me of not seeing things his way. In order for me to continue to deal with this I need spiritual guidance. How do I say to him stop hurting me without making the situation worst. I would like to say the right things although I feel the burden should not be on me but yet sympathetic to his demise. Please help me,
Submitted: 12 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rev.Dr. August Abbott replied 12 months ago.

You are an amazing, sensitive, open hearted woman and those things add up to 'vulnerable'

Yes, it appears he's been through quite a 'war' as many relationships may result in as they come to an unfortunate end. However, you have to protect yourself with insight and knowledge - and perhaps most importantly, trust in a point of view that isn't vested. This means that not even close friends' opinions or viewpoints can be relied upon to be objective. Or objective enough

I'd like to see you enlist some local counseling - just a few sessions - to be that objective point of view for you. Sitting down for 45-50 minutes one on one is incredibly helpful and cathartic

If this man has hopes for a future with you he would, ideally, attend such sessions with you in order to learn what tools are available to both of you for better communication (tell him you WANT to see things his way and this is how to start) and viewpoints.

The bot***** *****ne is that this, not being a full fledged relationship yet, has so many red flags and so many points of disconnect that it will only get worse. Wouldn't you rather this either gets repaired OR ended before it turns ugly and you can at least have an 'email friend' or occasional lunch, movie, dinner friend?

Ask him to work together with you on building the right foundation and if he balks, make it simple: "John, I feel we are best left at being friends. Let's stick to emails, texts, phone calls for a while and perhaps evolve into the occasional get-together later on"

I suspect that once you convey this message and then refuse his next few attempts to 'hook up' (we always want what we can't have) - he might begin to warm to the idea of a counselor or whatever you want (stick to counselor)

Your closure is taking back your dignity and your control. I'll say this again, just the fact that you've seen all the warning signs and have this doubt deep in your heart tells me you're smart, you're stronger than you think and you need to trust your instincts.

You know you deserve better; now get it!