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TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3436
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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I’m 31 years old and live in a major city. 2 years ago I met

Customer Question

My name is*****’m 31 years old and live in a major city. 2 years ago I met Phillip – a guy who has recently moved to the USA from out of the country – at a job that we both worked at. He’s 28. At my job I handled customer orders and an additional duty was new employee integration. When I first met Phillip I thought he was handsome and spent a little more time getting to know him since we have similar cultural backgrounds and it was nice to speak a different language besides English. I normally would worked 3-12 hour shifts during the week and was often left alone at the office after 5PM. It got to the point where Phillip would just hang out and work from the desk next to mine. Over a series of 4 months we learned about each other, I helped him speak English better and we talked about business, hopes, dreams, family, etc. Phillip even confided in me that he was having suicidal thoughts about a relationship that had got out of in his country. Our conversations were always very practical and we always offered each other good advice. For some reason there was, what felt like, a connection of spirit and we started communicating without evening speaking. I know it sounds corny, but we literally would be thinking the same thing or know what the other needed/wanted with a glance. Throughout the 4 months when we were alone at the office we would have conversations and never break eye contact; I would give him foot massages; we would flirt and gently touch each other’s hands in an innocent way. We eventually would go to museums and car shows… than suddenly he wasn’t so receptive to hanging out any more and encouraged me to go out and find a boyfriend. I was thinking, “It must be how a Virgo man is.” So I waiting and time passed.
As time was passing we continued to be great friends. It got to a point at work where the owner of the small company we worked at stopped pairing us on projects. Not because we were inappropriate, but because you could tell there was a personal connection. Even my colleagues approached me and would say, “I don’t know if you and Phillip are having sex, but you might want to calm it down. It’s obvious something is going on by how you two interact with each other.” Eventually it got to a point where we didn’t really interact at work unless we were alone.
As life unfolded, organically Phillip got added as a beneficiary on my life insurance policy; we got on each other’s checking and savings accounts; we had all our credit cards together; we bought a car; had car insurance together; I even have him as beneficiary on my retirement accounts and the business that I own now… literally everything! Each time we were added to something new we would discuss why we were doing this and if it made sense. Keep in mind that during this time we never had sex, or even kissed!!! Again, I didn’t want to make Phillip feel uncomfortable and I was sensing that he is closeted and coming from a strict South American background that he may be struggling with himself and his sexuality.
One night when we’re alone, Phillip talks about how he wanted to use his experience in renovations to build new constructions and always wanted to flip houses, but didn’t know how to start. Since I have a business background I explained how things work and possible scenarios. I lined up investors; we met with realtors; and bought a house together for us to flip. Phillip ended quitting his renovation/project management job to work on this project together. We agreed that I would maintain my businesses and would meet up every 2 weeks for me to help him renovate the house. And that brings us to a conversation that we had last weekend…
…so for a while I’ve thought that it was odd – us and our situation. I have a man who has shown signs of immense love, dedication and trust through his actions, but we haven’t even kissed, much less had sex. Our entire lives are integrated, minus a marriage certificate, and I have done nothing physical with this guy. Again, I must reiterate that I was trying not to push the guy. When I first met him he made a comment that he is a quintessential Virgo and if I ever get confused by his actions, just read about Virgos. So all his actions pointed to a Virgo man who is interested in me as a mate, but is vetting/testing the hell out of me to make sure I’m “the one”. So, we drive out to the house we own together and are renovation, make dinner, and have an amazing night laughing and chatting. He says he’s going to go to bed and I tell him that I want to speak with him.
I tell Phillip that I’ve been looking at my life and where I am. That I know that eventually I see myself getting married to him, having kids and growing old. I mean, over dinner before the conversation Phillip even said when we finish the house that we should take a trip to the US Virgin Islands to see if we could buy land for us to build our retirement home on… so I felt I was safe telling him that. I told Phillip that...
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 10 months ago.
I just needed to see where he’s at. Phillip replies, “I think you’re amazing. You have the same sense of humour that I have. We laugh all the time. You’re my best friend. But I’m straight.” I answered Phillip, “Well unfortunately, I cannot be friends with a man that I’m in love with who doesn’t feel the same. We are going to need to speak and figure out how to separate our personal business. I can commit until December 2016 to finishing the house, but after that I’m disappearing from your life – for maybe 3 months; 3 years; or, forever. I don’t know. But it wouldn’t be fair to pretend to be your friend when, in my heart, I know I love you.” Phillip proceeded to try and give me a pep talk about how I was “going to be OK”. I reminded him that he still lives with his mother, has never been on his own and that I have been flying solo since I was 12 years old… OF COURSE I’D BE OK! Phillip than wanted to continue to discuss the situation and reminded calmly that if he did not love me romantically (keep in mind he has told me “I love you” on more than one occasion) that the decision would remain the same. At the end he tried to shake my hand – keep in mind Phillip isn’t a very lovey-dovey kind of guy, nor are men in his culture. I said, “Are you kidding me?! You no longer have the privilege of touching me, nor I you. And even so… a handshake?!?! Good night, Phillip.” After he went to bed in another room, I proceeded to go onto the drive way and chain smoke cigs and cry until 6AM.The next day, Phillip didn’t wake me up to work like he normally does. I woke up late and we worked on renovating the house like everything was normal. At the end of the workday, he noticed that I had left the rosary he had brought me back from South America when he visited his home country. “Here’s your necklace, Joe.” I answered, “I don’t want it. You keep it.” His eyes watered and he walked away. On the ride home I sat in the back seat (his mom sat in the front) and I couldn’t help but cry quietly for a few minutes. He caught me in the rearview mirror and I tried to hide my face unsuccessfully.3 days pass with no contact between us…I’m at my company’s HQ and a letter for his immigration appointment comes in. Yes, he is getting his citizenship and I’m the person who was helping him by fielding all the paperwork. So, I call him since it is time sensitive and tell him what he needs to do. THAN, he proceeds to tell me about his day like nothing has changed between us. He wants to know about my day. I’m trying not to be rude, but in my head I’m thinking, “If I didn’t own a house with you, or have my life completely integrated with yours our last conversation would have been on Sunday!” Things ended with me telling him, “I hope you had a good day, and I hope you have a good night.” I was annoyed that I felt like Phillip has his thumb over me. I questioned if I’m an idiot. Was he using me all along? Have I become his patsy? Was I really in love with a straight guy who is my friend and so delusional that I turned into something more? All these things are racing through my head… and the bot***** *****ne is… I’m just disappointed. But my gut is calling bullshit on everything he said.So my question to you all after reading the story of Phillip and I is: Is my straight, Virgo male friend in love with me, or not?****
****ONE AMENDMENT: I don’t remember when over the weekend, but Phillip asked me to check a text message on his phone. When looking, I saw 2 numbers that weren’t saved to his contacts and they read, “Hi (insert female name). I found you on Backpage. Are you available to come over tomorrow morning?” They didn’t reply. I don’t know if it was for sex, or hookers, or what. Keep in mind, we both access each other’s phones all the time and are not snoops. It was just something I happened upon. So there’s another confusing element :-/
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 10 months ago.

I am sorry to hear of all your pain around this and yes you both have been connected to each other but I don't hear that he is in love with you. It sounds like it has been friendship all the way and in your desire for him you had hopes and dreams for both of you. Don't beat yourself up over having were connected in every way but if there was love coming from his side then most likely intimate moments would have appeared naturally. So I think you mourn this loss and dust off and decide whether you can accept him as the firends you have always been and give up the dream you had for both of you....

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 10 months ago.

I know you are hurt, but maybe take a breather and decide if losing him altogether is what you desire.

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 10 months ago.

Let me know how I can support you.

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 10 months ago.

I am here when you are available.